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Anger Management Message Board


Anger Management Board Index


part 1 of 2...


[QUOTE=Kari7171][B]Well, in the end he ended up taking her home and I have the day to myself. Yes, he is concerned that I am sleeping so much. It kind of concerns me also but it will have to change soon since I do have a job and will have to go back there sometime soon or find another job soon. I think that is part of why I am sleeping so much I am soo stressed over work lately that I just want to sleep to get away from everything. I just feel right now I need some time to figure out what I want to do. It's kind of hard to do that though if I am asleep. All I know is earlier this week when I was sleeping in the middle of the night I had a dream about work and it was very upsetting and jarred me awake and I was having a panic attack. I am not a person who even gets panic attacks. So there must be something wrong either with me or my job is really way too stressful. [/B] [I]

Is the job stress at the same level daily? You need to find ways to cope and relieve job related stress and any stress for that matter, while figuring out what it is you need to do, and take it from there, one day at a time.

Job stress steam needs to be blown off. If not, it will work on you and come through in in different ways, sleeping too much or too little, bad dreams, high blood pressure, misplaced aggression, self destructive tendency etc. If [I]it's[/I] not rid of, it will make your body and mind ill, set up camp and make you it's home until it's purged. It affects the entire family and often misunderstood. If you donít learn how to cope it can make you sick and turn you into someone you donít want to be.

I stayed in a very stressful job too long and it took a toll eventually. If this job is that stressful, get out and save yourself. I used to have bad dreams about that job. No job, no amount of pay is worth it. There is no reason you need to subject yourself to it. Lean on your husband for support. Think of your well being and your life. I donít know if he is, but he should be encouraging you to leave that place or encouraging you to get help. I suspect you donít tell him how bad it is but you know and thatís enough to get yourself out and also, do tell him. If I knew then what I know now, I would have taken the doctors note and done something useful with it. Donít let that job train your body for stress because once it happens itís hard to reverse. The longer the body is under stress the harder it is to undo. Itís not a cold you can shake. Lean on your spouse for the support. You need to tell him exactly what the job is doing to you and detail it and tell him you need his support to quit and regroup to move on. While your at it tell the doctor and donít fancy it up, tell it like it is.

Donít let anger be the way you vent. It hurts everyone who is subjected to it. It's negative energy that builds but can be vented constructively. It can take over in ways you might be unaware, and not knowing what to do about it I think is part of the reason your dealing with it as you are. That needs to change altogether. You need help to learn how as you have asked. Thatís a first step but follow up with it. Go to the doctor and ask him what you can do. Work on initiating internal dialogue and journal it, as the saying goes, can't change what we don't acknowledge.

Talking it out of your system will expel stress but why bother if you continually close down and to put it out of your mind? That wonít help you deal with issues. Itís the lawn, keeps growing, needs mowing. Let that goÖStress is the monkey on your back, while walking it off is a must, you need to get to the point that where the triggers are gone all together. Journal, it's a tool thatís harmless the paper wonít get hurt. Venting, pure steam is not intended for consumption by others, not good for them and if they are screamed at, then they have to offload the stress you gave them (not a gift) itís taking it out on them and thatís not something they deserve. Thatís another reason to walk away. It's a specific energy that's passed from one to another, the hot potato to no end. It can bleed into other situations as it has with the work situation, the frustration carriess over into your home life and doing a number.

Do you scream at work? Would work associates understand you more if you did? If so why? If no, why?

When you talk about it until your blue in the face and donít feel ďreleaseĒ and nothing ďhappensĒ does it mean they did not hear you? What makes you feel better, venting or being understood? Adrenaline moving about? Work out, you will get the same feeling. Bike ride. Physical exercise will release the hormones you want.

Some get involved in sports, power walking, tennis, handball, baseball, manifests, seeding elsewhere in life, it will stay and build until it's vented. When faced with that stress, holding it in and back, stuffing it down is not handling it-that is burying it until it diffuses at a later time.

Depression is anger turned inward. When it's bottled up like an improperly packed grocery bag, over/under eating, lift something too heavy-something eventually gives when the balance is missing. You know it but are not in touch with your heart long enough to have it mean more.

The frustrations you're having at work are coming home, and if that same type of pressure is felt at home, your reacting in the same way and it's not helping. In the title of your post, you say you are angry about never being consulted about your life. Do you feel the same way about work? If you sense you are being squeezed by your husband, it may be the straw that broke the camel's back because of the work situation and not really about him, that may be why there is an ďover reaction triggerĒ at home because itís really about work.

You are over the top with work stress and taking the frustrations out on them by yelling at them, possibly about the same issues, because of the mounting work stress. You may be getting dumped on at work and that's bound to carry over to get dumped at home, maybe not at first, but eventually it does, so itís unsuccessfully ďput offĒ.
Where do all those feelings go? Who gets the brunt, that release, yelled at?

Sleeping may be the coping mechanism you've adopted. Your doctor can help, tell him or her about the sleeping, bad dreams, your frustration level at home, about work and ask what you can do... [/I]

[B]I do know that one woman is switching jobs because of it and the other one pretty much talks about quitting every day. I did actually quit this week but they are begging me to come back. [/B]


If you go back, it should be on certain expressed terms, your terms! Don't let excess workload fall on your shoulders. Now would be a good time to brainstorm changes that could help the situation and make it a better place to want to be.

Do you take breaks or lunches? If not, you must and by law you are entitled to it. Promote high turnover, burnout and fatigue by denying breaks. If there is no employee lounge or place to have lunch, leave the building on break. If you stay at your station on break, it is not a true break and defeats the purpose. Get out, go to the deli, walk with coworkers etc. Brainstorm with your[I] team[/I]. If there is no employee lounge, is there space that may be designated for one? Guidelines and rules make for organized chaos, oils that machine. The more you are able to handle and take on the more they will give you. Can you make change happen their? I think you have leverage.

continued...
part 2 of 2 :angel:

At work, when you commit yourself to task, do you tend to over extend yourself? Are you able to say no when appropriate?

If you changed jobs and had similar stresses at the new job, how would you handle the situation differently?


[B]You are right I probably should not yell and scream but it seems like unless I am very dramatic and loud no one listens to me. I feel as though I have to cause a scene otherwise I just get walked on. [/B]

Before you said, "I have expressed this to no end until I am blue in the face but he just doesn't listen..."

When you scream, dramatic, cause a scene, are you verbally more specific with detail, more descriptive to convey your thoughts & feelings?

When you talk until you are blue in the face and think you are being ignored, is there a chance you were not understood? What gives you that impression?

What exactly is different in the two exchanges? When you say he does not listen, how do you know he isn't? Is this expression of anger a knee jerk reaction that makes you feel better? If so why?

In other words, does yelling make you feel more understood? If so how? If so, why? How does volume and drama convey your thoughts or improve their understanding any better then normal two way conversation? You may need to vent more then you need understanding conversation or perhaps you become upset because you are forced to discuss how you feel and your thoughts, something you are not comfortable doing? Mad at yourself maybe?

If you talk and don't think you are being understood, you need to reiterate, clarify and be patient with them. If you become easily agitated and frustrated because you are unable to express yourself, is it their fault? You can't blame them for what you can't do yourself can you? If you want him to listen to you, know what it is you want to say. If you don't it may be pent up stress more then anything else. If that's not it then it's not about understanding, but more about venting that makes you "feel" better, because anger never makes the situation (not how you feel) better does it? Screaming at others is not justifiable. It's a verbal assault and not fair to others. If you are angry about work you must have self control and not take it out on them, deal with it.

Expressing anger = lack of self control.
Anger has no value or power. It is not a tool for effective communication. Venting properly is done so by governing stress rather then it governing you. Take it out on the punching bag, yell at a wrestling match, have a good cry do what you need to to get rid of it. You have to, everyone experiences stress, how they cope is another story.

When screaming, what exactly is expressed differently, other then volume and anger then when you calmly talk or do you? Is anything really different at all? Or is it that you got it off your chest and feel better? It is perception. Are you any more specific verbally when yelling? Are you forcing your feelings? If so, could that be why your upset because your forced to talk about it? Could you be giving anger more credit then it's due?

[B]
I am normally a very mello person almost too mello sometimes so maybe they don't realize how upset I am at times. [/B]

Still waters run deep. If you exude a calm facade while on the inside have a lot on your mind, you are not being true to yourself or your husband. How is he to know what you are thinking if you don't tell him? Being upset is not the problem, it's how you communicate [I]it[/I] that is. They are not mind readers. If you come home from work and he asks, how was your day and you respond by saying same old same old and that was the end of it, that conveys very little. If you told him, Jane doe dumped a lot on me today, john doe fired willy and the account rep snipped at you, a coworker was out sick, and that it made you feel xyz (this and that) that's offering more for him to take in and digest to know what you are going through day to day. Don't water it down. Avoiding that can have the rebound affect. Can you open up and make yourself more vulnerable? Do you have a hard time trusting him?

[B]
I know last week my younger step daughter who is 12 said to me that she has never seen me get mad. Well that is not true for one thing but apparently that is her impression of me.

Anger is not something you want to befriend, understand yes, embrace no. It's good the 12 year old does not see you get angry.
[B]
I tend to hold my anger in and go in the other room but I just end up internalizing the anger and if this happens enough times then it gets all bottled up and we know what happens then. [/B] It's good that you control your anger. It's not good if you can't see a situation with perspective without getting personally involved.

You seem to have an understanding. You should hold your anger in and go to another room and cool off. That does not make what triggered you go away. It needs to be revisited on your own in self reflection, to really look in the mirror and ask yourself[I] what[/I] specifically got to you, [I]why[/I] it got to you, and how you can change perception, the thought process that gets you upset...

You followed that with thoughts he should know how upset you are with work and should not dump her on you. What was the true source of your upset? Was it that you were angry with him, angry with the thought of spending time with someone you don't like or angry about having to go to a job you hate? Angry at the world? I think a lot is tied into the stress of the job but the main problem is that you need to vent what you are not identifying. You don't have to see stress to know you carry it around. A way to get rid of daily stress is to do just that and offload it so you can better function. Accept imperfection. You don't have to be perfect, just forgiving of yourself and others and learn to accept and keep at it. It's not something easy to do and takes work. That third eye if you will. It's keeping the mirror up and things in check and balance.

Knowing and believing are different. Knowing is in the mind, thinking is thought, believing comes from the heart. What you are putting out there is not just what you see but what others see. You need to be fully aware of what comes out, like clothing, the spirit has dress. How are you "dressed". It may be a revelation. Were you raised and encouraged to not express yourself or feelings or were you encouraged to be yourself and bold? Did you have choices and make decisions for yourself or did others? Do you consider yourself a bully? Have others?

If you talk yourself into a state of powerlessness, into the mindset you lack control over your life,[I] it[/I] will continue to perpetuate feelings of victimization and will dominate you and your life. In a sense your life is not your own if you let these thoughts dominate you, you are right and that's part of the struggle but it's not because of others.

That could translate to the frustration of wanting life to be different then it is. You need to learn to be more accepting and believe the only thing you can do is change how you see things. With that comes great peace. You can give every scenario of how bad things are but it will never justify your loss of self management and control. You control how you are to others, they don't control you-that's one thing you need to self talk. , but not having control over a situation or persons actions (in what they say, do etc) rather then themselves. Not dealing with thoughts or feelings beyond that is a problem. It's good that you walk away but you still need to deal with it after

[B] Sometimes it's anger that comes out but lately I just end up with an I give up feeling and get all depressed and go to bed to get away. It's not a good way of handling things but I have tried to face things for a long time now and I am just getting plain worn down.[/QUOTE][/B]

When that feeling of giving up comes in, thatís a direct internal request to vent. Donít oblige that feeling to give up but rather delve into what is wrong and know it. You can face things all you want but facing it wonít change it. Whatís in your heart has to be in line with your head. If you are not being true to yourself and get to the real issues (dig deep) it will continue. Why such animosity? Dig deeply, even if it is painful. Cry....





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