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Bipolar Disorder Message Board


Bipolar Disorder Board Index


Re: Hiding bipolar
Feb 16, 2007
[QUOTE=BabyLove8;2799669]Does anyone on this board feel this way?.....I am bipolar and I try so hard to hide episodes from my inlaws and husband. It has been awhile since I had an episode but I'm scared to death I will be "figured out" when one does come along. My husband knows I'm bipolar but has never seen me at my worst. (Which is pretty bad) My inlaws have no idea I'm on six different medications and have never seen an episode. My meds are working but I know I will have another episode eventually. The last one I had -I got fired and I told my inlaws -it wasn't my fault and blamed my boss and coworkers. They live 5 hours away so couldn't see changes in behavior. My husband saw me depressed and went through the whole "firing from my job" thing. He however has never seen me at my worst..like when I want to end it all. In addition to this we are trying to start a family. I will have to go off of my medicine. I wonder how I can keep hiding that I'm bipolar off of my medicine. We visit my inlaws frequently enough that they are bound to see me act out in some kind of way whether it be depressed or high anxiety/anger/irritation/crying all of the time. My brother in law is sort of catching on because he told me last time I visited "you sleep a lot". Overall I don't think anyone will understand. I heard my brother in law refer to a person we saw who had bipolar as "crazy". I try so hard to act normal so they won't find out. I can't sometimes and it scares me. How am I going to pull off this pregnancy not being off my meds and hide my disorder. Does anyone out there try to downplay their disorder? It's so exhausting. I am so scared of my husbands reactions when he sees me completely off my medication. On them- I can keep it together unless I have a major trigger. In closing I know many of you might say who cares what they think...but knowing them-they would be extremely judgemental. My husband as wonderful as he is will surely be scared to see me at my worst. I am scared to death to go off my meds but the doctor said the first three months I have to-if I want a baby-and I really do. I feel like I'm going through these feelings all by myself. That I'm hiding something I can't control. If anyone has similar situations or try to hide their disorder reach out to me so I know I'm not in this alone.[/QUOTE]
I have type 1 bi polar and in manic phases often become psycotic believing I am the second coming, here to save the world. I was diagnosed in summer 2003 and for the first 18months/2 years became very good at hidding early symptoms. Because of this by the time my wife, friends and family were aware I was ill I was usually manic and psyhcotic. My behaviour during these episodes led to the breakdown of my marrage (I am now divorced and see my children just once a week) and I lost my job as a Managing Director. I can't help but think that if I had not been so paranoid about hidding my early symtoms or just talking about any early fears of a deteriorating condition, my life would be very different. I have been stable for nearly a year but there have still been some ups and downs. I have 2 mood stabilisers but often complement these with the addition of respiradone anti psychotic, 50% of the time on the advice of others (non medical staff) who I have come to trust. I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and we now have plans to marry. However she has met with my health team and has learned to look out for some signs. Only last week, for the first time she advised me to take respiradone for a few days as I was getting a bit hyper, this was however put to me in a very matter of fact manner, not 'I think your going crazy again'. Getting early help will ensure your husband never sees the worst side of your illness. Get him some quality education and don;t be afraid to open up about your illness. From what you've said you had this b 4 u met him so he loves you in the knowledge that you have this.

Don't make the same mistakes as I did by trying to hide things or you could end up lossing everything you are trying to protect. This condition is nothing to be ashamed of but if you go full blown manic, you could end up doing things you will regret.

Good Luck, It sounds like you are doing better than you think.


Paul





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