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When I met her in Feb. she said she'd been diagnosed bipolar/schizo, had been in the hospital but had cured it herself and been off meds for two years (this has been verified; true). She's a genius--seriously I've never known a smarter person in my life--and said she was able to control it herself. I fell in love with her really fast--she's everything I ever wanted in a person, I thought. I've delt with lots of insanity in my life and I don't think I could ever date someone who was 100% sane--but then there's limits...and I'm not into the pyschiatric institution in general, I think this world's flawed...but this's an extreme. I'm on medication myself for fibromyalgia and ADD and I'm in therapy but I used to be resistant to it. (I'm 25, she's 30)

Fast forward to Easter weekend--she's in jail because she was preaching drunk outside at 3am, while in jail she bruises herself to immitate the crucifiction.... all this time she keeps telling me about how I need to stop worshipping false idols and become holy in preparation for the apocalypse, telling me to drop everything and memorize Revalations...keeps me up for hours and hours screaming at me, telling me terrible things, breaks up with me all the time and says "I don't need you to be my wife," telling me about all the other women who'd be happy to be with her in eternal life, forever, starts making ME feel crazy.....she goes to jail again a few nights later, then is mugged (maybe--I'm doubting this now) downtown NYC and checks herself into the psych ward for a week--according to her, she does this so she can catch up on her reading (memorizing the bible, nietzsche, finnegans wake, etc) and learn proto-indo-european and ancient greek.

She won't go on meds while she's there. She's out for about a week when she starts preaching in Times Square again. Giving away her money to homeless people, drinking and staying out all night. Moves in with me without asking if she can, and starts keeping me up all night yelling at me, breaking up with me, etc. Then she always apologizes in the morning and says she'll never leave me, never loved anyone like she loves me, etc.

at this point: I do freelance work, and after a recent assignment got killed, I needed to get a new job. But instead I've been basically full-time caring for her. When she was in the psych ward she demanded I visit her every day. I understood this, because it's a lonely place to be without sunlight or friends 24/7, but still, it's impossible for me to move on with my life. All I do is take care of her and do what she tells me to do because if I don't, she will spend hours and hours (literally HOURS) telling me the same stories (like the one of the Last Supper or her First Vision) over and over and over and I can never sleep or anything, or have any time to myself. She also yells at me about not having a job--and then says she wants to support me financially. My friends are all wondering why I'm in this still. Her family believed that she just checked herself in to "cool off"--though later her Mom told me that this is her way of self-regulating her illness--going to the hospital when she feels a manic episode coming on.

Meanwhile: everyone else in her life thinks things are just fine, just perfect.

So then about a week after her first release from the hospital, she sends a suicide letter to everyone in her address book about how we're all *******s, she's going to burn herself up in Times Square and it'll be a sign to how we're all illiterate and worship Angelina Jolie instead of her father who art in heaven, etc. We're heathens and harlots and robots, ignoring our homeless people and the earth and hoarding our money.

Apparently no-one finds this suicide leter alarming aside from MY friends. She then tells me she's just kidding, she's coming home for her last supper. She says terrible mean things to me, and then about two hours later sends a redacting email that it's all a joke for her book, and she's writing a memoir (she is).

By this point: someone has already called the cops---I have no idea who called them. But they come to get her and she reads them the sucidie note. So we go to the hospital. The lame retarded doctors play into her hand (she's really smart and crafty and good at this stuff) and she promises me everything will change. This was Act I for her book, Act I is over. She's sorry for everything she put me through and she loves me and knows she treated me like **** and put me through hell.

I tell her if anything alarms me, I won't hesitate to call her parents or something, and she's like, that's fine, nothing will happen.

So the day goes on--she's not drinking, which's good--she's still acting manic but I'm not alarmed until that night she's yelling at her computer because people have emailed her saying "why did you do this to me?" about the suicide note--we're all retarded because no one reads James Joyce or the bible and if we did, we'd get it, like all these randomized internet friends she cites just "got it."

My roommate hears her yelling at me about how I don't understand what it's like to be crucified and calls the cops, and we're back in the pysch ER.

This time she really goes nuts on the doctor and he commits her. She's crying screaming religious nonsense at me, her eyes are evil and frightening. The doctor makes me leave--says I'm triggering her.

The next day she calls--they knocked her out on Ativan. Her brother got her transferred to the hospital she's stayed in before, but he's like "she's been fine for so long!" ok.

It takes her a few days to stop yelling at me about how I'm Judas and I turned her into the cops, even though it wasn't me that called--when they asked me if I thought she needed to go with them, I did say "yes." She told them I was doing it because i'm white and white people want the ethnic people to stay oppressed (she's Filipino). (I'm part Jew, part Native American, so the oppression thing is kinda funny, also she grew up rich and I didn't, obviously there is no logic here)...

Then things start getting normal but she's sleepy all the time--on Depacote, Seroquel, Wellbutrin..and random things like Ativan and Benadryl. I've got no clue why. She's unhappy to be in the hospital, feels drowsy and mad and wants to sue them for freedom of religion. After about 10 days though it seems like things are great--better than ever.

So she gets out last Thursday and everything's fantastic. She says she's done preaching in the marketplace and she's gonna take her Seroquel.

Of course by Saturday night, the manic behavior is back in full swing, and she's drinking. Not filled the RX (said there was a problem with Medicaid), yells at me for four hours, breaks up with me and then re-states her love over and over, demands weird money things of me and yells at me about not having a job and all the other women who would want to be with her because she's so hot.

Monday she goes back to her parents house where she lives after work--breaks up with me again, rallies at me all this crazy stuff all night--she doesn't love me anymore, etc. Starts 10 blogs called "love poems to angelina jolie,' who she despises, then erases them all. Apology email circa 7am. I send her flowers at work. She tells me I have to come to work on her break and take her out to dinner. I do. She works nights copyediting. Then after dinner she sits me down on Wall Street and starts telling me what's wrong with me and all the harlotry of my life and what an ******* I am for imprisoning her and how I'm going to hell and she's going to be with my father (he died when I was 14) if I don't shape up my act and stop being greedy and sending her to prison and not understanding how it felt to be crucified and not memorizing Revalation or knowing the 72-letter name for G-d.

She stops by here on her way home and tells me she's going to be with me forever, she just has to test me like Jesus did to Mary Magdalene.

After this what I know is from her brother and Mom--she didn't sleep at all, was up all night composing a tome against humanity. At about 1pm her brother heard her yelling to herself, she was naked and wouldn't get dressed. He called a "crisis team."

Now she's in a different psych ward. Says she's getting her brother arrested because the crisis team---5 cops--gang-raped her. (she's on her period, there's no way this coulda happened without massive mess, though of course I believed her at first because I believe everything she says at first, because I love her and I'm a sucker and I want to believe that life can't be this bad). When we go to visit she won't hug her Mom or brother and still says she's mad at me for putting me in there the last time, we're all bored apparently and enjoy sending her to the psych ward for sport. Her brother is a loser without a job (according to her) who let her get raped. I ask her to get a rape kit and checked for bruising but she says it's too late, she showered and she's just gonna write about it on her **** instead. When she gets out, which should be soon, because she's not crazy. (her words)

I don't know how much more of this I can take. The roller-coaster...it's driving me mad, too. I want to be supportive and I want to be with HER-- but she scares me. She'd never get violent with me, but I wish she WOULD so that I could have somethign concrete to show people.

Until her brother/mom saw her two days ago, everyone else in her life think she's totes fine! Her employer loves her!

How do I talk to her? I've just been placating and agreeable or silent because I want her ot think I'm an ally, and I'm scared of what would happen if I said I think she needs meds. I love her so much and don't want to lose her, she's everything I need when she's normal. "normal."

This's the longest post ever. HELP.





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