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Bipolar Disorder Message Board


Bipolar Disorder Board Index


Kat,

I'm glad your pdoc appointment went well. I'm also glad that he reassured you that he will be there whenever you need him. That's good especially if you encounter some difficulties or rough patches along the way during your T sessions before the DBT group begins.

I had a phone conversation with my tdoc today. We discussed my having a written contract for whenever I'm feeling suicidal or want to self-harm. He said the decision to have one was completely up to me, but I agreed because I thought it would be a good decision based on the fact that it's concrete and I have a written reminder of the fact someone cares about my well-being. I'm afraid he did get a little short with me (and I with him) when I misinterpreted something he said. My response was, "Don't get mad at me" to which he said, "I'm not getting mad at you..." I tend to overreact whenever I'm manic or hypomanic (and at the present time I'm hypomanic). He also wasn't pleased when I told him I hadn't slept for 5 days prior to my manic episode. I realize that was wrong and I'm the one who is responsible for my manic episode, but you know what? Sometimes I want to stay up late like everyone else and I think I should be allowed that right. I'm sick and tired of having to constantly think about how I feel, what I eat, what I say and what I do. I also worry every time I see my pdoc and tdoc what they're going to think if I tell him I've been manic or depressed. I know they both have told me that my bipolar is considered "severe," but my tdoc always asks me whether or not I'm taking my meds and if truth be told, that really irritates me. First of all, if I'm not taking my meds, having him asking me if I am isn't going to change anything and second, he has told me that rapid cycling and mood swings can happen even on meds, so what's the difference? Besides, I could always lie (although I never do because I know that doesn't accomplish anything). The only way my pdoc could find out that I wasn't taking my meds was if I went to the ER and they gave me a blood test to determine my Depakote level. I don't know. I'm feeling really irritated by alot of things tonight and some of it just doesn't make any sense to me. This demonic disease doesn't make any sense to me. Sometimes I love having bipolar (i.e. heightened creativity, productivity, great ideas, high energy, extreme happiness) and sometimes I hate it (i.e. rapid cycling, anger/irritability, difficulty concentrating, auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoa -- as far as my bipolar is concerned). I guess you could say I have a love/hate relationship with bipolar.
Kat,

I'd love to join that club. In fact, can I be co-leader???

Wow. Your pdoc sure doesn't mince words. Mine is a little more gentle, but then again, I've only seen him 4 times and haven't really gotten into any discussions where I've been irritated or annoyed. However, my tdoc and I have. I was really surprised by the tone he took with me when he said, "I'm not mad..." He sounded short which immediately made me feel uncomfortable because it brought me back to the emotional abuse I suffered because of my parents. I don't like it when people get mad/annoyed/irritated with me because I don't handle it well. In fact, although I was hypomanic, I was about to cry and it took everything inside of me not to. Now I'm coming down from my hypomania and am beginning to miss my mania. This always happens when I start to level out. The beginning of the mania is wonderful, the middle and endings aren't and the period of time where I start to feel normal again makes me feel uneasy. I don't like that feeling because it's so different from the mania I felt. One thing I can definitely say though is (and I hope no one will be offended when I say this because I don't mean to offend) thank goodness I don't have mixed episodes. 95% of my bipolar falls on the manic side while 5% falls on the depressive side except during the winter when it's anybody's guess as to how I'm going to feel. Someone sent me the funniest e-mail today. It was a purple ribbon (for bipolar awareness) that said "Bipolar Disorder...The Roller Coaster Ride from H*ll." I couldn't have said it better myself. LOL.





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