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I am just newly diagnosed, and I am a single mother. My son is 9. Honestly, I have HUGE issues when it comes to parenting.

My son loves me and I love him, he is smart, happy and fairly well adjusted. But, I have guilt that crosses my mind at least once or twice daily, and can be become an all consuming obsession.

I feel guilty because 3 years ago I went totally bonkers and would yell at him to not answer the door and make him hide in the bedroom with me. I spent a few weeks in the hospital, and leading up to that, we had never been separated. I can't imagine how confusing that was for him.

I can see in him now when I'm not well the confusion. He doesn't know what to expect me in terms of mood, and that is upsetting to me.

I have been flying into rages lately, and nothing is more heart breaking than seeing him take his dog and going to play in his room for the day, because he doesn't want to deal with me.

We are close, and a lot of the time things are fine. But, when I'm honest with myself, I have not provided a consistent home for him where he knows what to expect. There is me while hypomanic, before I get to the point where I'm paranoid and hiding out, and that is " Hey, let's go bowling and then to mcdonalds and oh hey let's buy this video game system and then we'll see a movie, who cares what time it is) and then there is depressed me where he has to sit around a house that hasn't been looked after, and he can't have his friends in because I'm in my pyjamas crying.

I can't even begin to process what it's been like for him the times I've actually lost touch with reality. It has to of been scary, I cannot begin to imagine what is must be like to watch your mother obsess and rant about something that isn't actually even happening. Never mind what it's taught him in terms of honesty.

I am also a single mother though. I think if there were two parents in the home, it would be a lot different. My best friend moved in with us to help a few years ago, and the help has been tremendous, as in providing a role model that is consistent. But, even that, my son sees my flying into rages at him, and cursing him out over mundane things, and I worry what has that impressed upon my son as to how to treat other people.

I do feel as though things would be VERY different had I dealt with all of this sooner. I think someone with bipolar can be just as good a parent as anyone else, but I have MAJOR regrets for not dealing with mental health better over these years.

I want more children, but will not have any, because I do not want to put any future children through what my son has dealt with. Also, raising a child is HARD even at the best of times, so even though wonderful, is stressful and all consuming. You can't take breaks from parenting, even when your mental health is at it's worst. there may be someone to help with the physical side of it, but you are still the parent, and every thing affects the child.

And this is all not to even mention genetics and I worry that my son will deal with everything I've dealt with, and I would not wish upon ANYONE, let alone the person I love most in the world.
[QUOTE=hannahmocha;4149813]I am just newly diagnosed, and I am a single mother. My son is 9. Honestly, I have HUGE issues when it comes to parenting.

My son loves me and I love him, he is smart, happy and fairly well adjusted. But, I have guilt that crosses my mind at least once or twice daily, and can be become an all consuming obsession.

I feel guilty because 3 years ago I went totally bonkers and would yell at him to not answer the door and make him hide in the bedroom with me. I spent a few weeks in the hospital, and leading up to that, we had never been separated. I can't imagine how confusing that was for him.

I can see in him now when I'm not well the confusion. He doesn't know what to expect me in terms of mood, and that is upsetting to me.

I have been flying into rages lately, and nothing is more heart breaking than seeing him take his dog and going to play in his room for the day, because he doesn't want to deal with me.

We are close, and a lot of the time things are fine. But, when I'm honest with myself, I have not provided a consistent home for him where he knows what to expect. There is me while hypomanic, before I get to the point where I'm paranoid and hiding out, and that is " Hey, let's go bowling and then to mcdonalds and oh hey let's buy this video game system and then we'll see a movie, who cares what time it is) and then there is depressed me where he has to sit around a house that hasn't been looked after, and he can't have his friends in because I'm in my pyjamas crying.

I can't even begin to process what it's been like for him the times I've actually lost touch with reality. It has to of been scary, I cannot begin to imagine what is must be like to watch your mother obsess and rant about something that isn't actually even happening. Never mind what it's taught him in terms of honesty.

I am also a single mother though. I think if there were two parents in the home, it would be a lot different. My best friend moved in with us to help a few years ago, and the help has been tremendous, as in providing a role model that is consistent. But, even that, my son sees my flying into rages at him, and cursing him out over mundane things, and I worry what has that impressed upon my son as to how to treat other people.

I do feel as though things would be VERY different had I dealt with all of this sooner. I think someone with bipolar can be just as good a parent as anyone else, but I have MAJOR regrets for not dealing with mental health better over these years.

I want more children, but will not have any, because I do not want to put any future children through what my son has dealt with. Also, raising a child is HARD even at the best of times, so even though wonderful, is stressful and all consuming. You can't take breaks from parenting, even when your mental health is at it's worst. there may be someone to help with the physical side of it, but you are still the parent, and every thing affects the child.

And this is all not to even mention genetics and I worry that my son will deal with everything I've dealt with, and I would not wish upon ANYONE, let alone the person I love most in the world.[/QUOTE]

this is exactly how i act! when i'm manic i can do anything, movie at midnight when i work the next morning NO PROBLEM! in my most manic times, i packed my car w/whatever i could fit & i moved. i live in South Dakota & the first time i moved to South Carolina, the last time (march of this year) i moved to Oregon. i didn't know anyone in South Carolina when i moved there, i had a friend that moved w/me & we just made things work. when i moved to Oregon this year i had a friend out there, but not much $$ saved at all & no job lined up & the economy out there is HORRID so it took me 3 months to find a part-time job & it was retail! i needed a full-time job & had an associate's degree! i don't think things through when i'm manic & i was just diagnosed 1 1/2yrs ago i think, & i never dealt w/it until now. & moving like that during my manic times isn't even the worst thing i did! i can't even write all the crazy things i did on here because if it did then they would definitely ban me!!

& when i'm depressed it's more like a mix of manic & depression, & i'll have rants like you. the stupidest thing will set me off & i'll get soooo upset & angry & i'll start crying! & then everyone thinks i'm crazy! i can be in the best mood & you never know when i'll snap. & i hate feeling like this. i hate having tantrums & rants like i'm a d*mn kid! & i hate doing such stupid life-changing things when i'm manic. i've put my family through so much, i can't imagine having a kid & have them go through all the crap i've put my family through.

kids don't know what's going on w/us, & you can try to explain it but when we are at our best AND worst, we can't explain this to a child. we can barely get our own thoughts out so they sound normal lol, no way we can explain this to a child in a way that will help them understand. if you can afford it i suggest going with your kid to therapy, he'll probly get a lot more out of that & really learn what's going on & why so he can understand things more & not think you're just crazy. i guess technically we ARE crazy, but when people understand what we're really going through they understand more. & he's at such a young age, you don't want him to process all this stuff on his own & maybe come to a bad conclusion on what's going on. i would hate for that to happen!

i worry about genetics too. i always have, i've always felt "crazy". & when your mom tells you "i hope when you have a kid it grows up to be just like you!", i always worried that WILL happen! god i went through so much emotional crap my whole life, huge ups & downs, & i always told myself that i'll never bring a kid into this sh*tty world! but now that i know what's wrong w/me & WHY i've always been so emotional & had the crazy mood swings i realize its not a sh*tty world, its just that MY world is crappy & thats because of the bp. but now you have to think, if you have a kid it could be normal & have a great life, or it could get the bp curse & go through all the crap that we did. you're right, i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! let alone my KID!! i think a really good idea would be to be completely honest & open w/your kid about your bp, & that will help HIM if he does get bp because then he'll have an idea of WHAT bp is. & when he starts going through the mood swings & everything, instead of thinking he's just crazy, he'll know that its "normal" & realize why its happening & maybe be able to deal w/it better. & if he does start going through the bp hell, he'll know he can come to you w/any concerns & that you will be a safe person he can talk to about this. he'll know if he tells you all the crazy things he going through & all the crazy things in his mind, you won't judge him, you won't laugh at him, you'll BE THERE for him! if i had that when i was growing up, i think that would've helped me a LOT! then if he does get bp hopefully it'll be an easier transition for him & he won't get such a sh*tty deal out of it like we did.

man, i can REALLY tell my manic is HIGH still! i'm still depressed but i keep having all these crazy thoughts that i normally wouldn't EVER think about! & i know its the bp but its still so overpowering. i still feel like i can do anything, & i've told myself since i was 10yrs old that i NEVER wanted my own kids. i didn't want to be responsible for bringing someone into this crappy world & then feel responsible for thier crappy life. but recently i'm really feeling like a want a baby. i started seeing this guy & he's soooo sweet, such a gentleman, & he's soooo good to me. he's graduating in may to be a pharmacist & i feel like i want to settle down w/him & have a family. we've only been seeing each other for a very short time, so it feels crazy to even be thinking this. we haven't "been together" yet, but honest to god i'm thinking of trying to get pregnant! i know that's horrible but i can't stop thinking about it, i'm obsessing over it. i suppose the best thing to do would be sit down w/him & just talk about it. he's a pretty grounded guy, maybe that's what he wants too? maybe he WANTS to settle down & have a family. ughhhh!!!! i hate feeling like this, i hate doing such crazy things, i hate getting angry all the time, i don't feel in control of myself at all & i can't stand it!

sorry for venting. only 1 person has commented that she hasn't had a really hard time raising her kids. then i guess its normal for us to have such a hard time dealing w/kids??





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