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Bipolar Disorder Message Board


Bipolar Disorder Board Index


Hi, Lovely People of the Boards,

I hope you're all doing excellently today! I haven't really slept in 3 days and have attempted to sedate myself with Xanax for the 60th night in a row. While I previously felt incredibly depressed, restless and irritated, I now feel happy as a clam. The problem? I haven't really slept for 3 days and boy, do I feel INTENSE. At one point this morning prior to the Xanax, I was careening wildly all over the city in my little Jetta, and the thought occurred to me (along with two bazillion other thoughts), that I would get arrested for sure.

The lights, sounds, sunshine, other people: they're all so alive and vibrant. I feel sexy and exciting, wanted and excited. I also have felt paranoid and fearful that I'd been poisoned with LSD to produce the effects I was feeling. An ex-boyfriend was a server during one of my stress business lunch meetings. I felt pretty sure that he had poisoned me with LSD via the water he served me.

After hallucinating that entire afternoon and night, I popped a Xanax and eventually went to sleep. Back at work the next morning, I got a large volume of work done in a very short period of time. Last night, I went to see a friend of mine that displays bipolar tendencies, although he's never been formally evaluated. We started drinking at 2pm and continued until 2am. I got home to my ex-boyfriend extremely late and we had sex ... something we've not done in months. I'd previously had no sex drive. It caused us to break up.

Today, I found myself putting on music and dancing furiously for hours while simultaneously doing laundry. I couldn't sit still. I felt extremely paranoid and anxious at times. The remaining times, I felt fierce, wild, excited and sexy. I danced until I injured my neck. ha ha I should have warmed up first, but I was too impatient.

I talked to a friend of mine whose also diagnosed bipolar and he encouraged me to go get medication. I went to the urgent treatment center. Waiting was incredibly intense. I spent most of the wait outside, pacing around on the phone with my supportive friend. They referred me to the mental hospital. I went to the mental hospital and spent the entire time in the waiting room texting and calling people, while using the chairs as a jungle gym of sorts. ha ha

They wanted to commit me, mostly because I have insurance and they needed the money. I'm so annoyed. I told them that I wanted bipolar medication, and they acted like that just wasn't possible. They ultimately didn't end up helping me. All I need is Lithium. It works for me. It fixes me. I know it's supposed to be bad for a person's kidneys.

I've taken a Xanax and will probably need to take additional depressants to try to get to sleep tonight.

Just writing to share my current situation and to ask for support and help tonight. I'm going to need it. I hope I can sleep. I have a professional development seminar tomorrow ....

Hugs to All,
Vivica





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