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I realize this ..

I know about my bipolar and my borderline ..
I was just wondering if what I think is bipolar ..is not bipolar
but diabeties and my diabeties out of control..
I have been on medicine that causes diabeties...

its all up in the air when you have a disorder ... a mood disorder .. ..for real... because you go on various meds that cause certain side effects ..
I am on

Geodon, which causes your eyes to become worse... my eyes have stead
fastly become worse....

probably because of diabeties too
I had symptoms of diabeties when I was nine and my grandmother who was a nurse back in WW2 would ask my mom ... "Are you sure Joan, she is not diabetic. Because right when I walked through her door I would head for the bathroom and drink anything in her house. And as I aged I became more and more overweight. I was stick thin at nine and at 16 I was 165... at eighteen I was 185 pounds ...

I also take

Lamictal.....
Effexor... which causes high blood pressure... but its getting higher to 152/85
which is way too high and I believe that is the diabeties.

I also take

Clonazapam... which is very addictive...
I have very severe anxiety...

which is why when I had my problems at the ER ... I was having problems with my muscles and heart and all ...

I have poly cystic ovary disease ...which causes Diabeties two

I think my mother is pre diabeties ..but she doesnt believe her doctor ...
her fasting suger is 106 and she is doing nothing ... thats why when I was diagnosed in October about pre diabeties I didnt believe her ...because my mom was being snide to me and was saying "So you really think you are diabetic?"
and I would say I dont know
but the doctor never gave me a monitor ... she never prescribed any monitor ...
she prescribed 1000 mg of Metaformin ..
but she told me it would get me to have my period and would make me lose weight ..it hasnt yet .. neither ...
but I take a pill called Aysten to cause me to get my period ...

I am just one big ball of mess
but lemme tell you ...when that pap came back non cancerous and no abnormal cells I was happy ...because I had already had a cervical cancer scare

I know just about everything about my disorders and diseases ...
except diabeties ...and This only began last weekend where I ran into trouble ...and now that I look back to my whole life I realize alot of my problems was caused my diabeties ...
my family ...the only one who diagnosed me was my grandmother and lemme tell you she wouldnt be suprised ..
my mother has this tendency to put me down when there possibly is something wrong with me ...so she is my mom ...so I dont believe the doctors ... now she has to listen ...because she obviously is pre diabetic and she is being stupid ... but I figure its good that I have cut the choco out and what not ..
I had hummus this afternoon with rye and pumpernickel bread .. I tried to only eat a small portion of potatoe ...I eat my veggies portioned and a small piece of meat ...
I am trying very hard ...
so dont put me down because I dont know much about diabeties .. I will figure it all out ...
I know so much and educate myself on all my meds and have refused to go on certain meds .. I was taking one that caused heart disease in hopes I would lose weight ..instead my pulse went from 85 ..which
I had worked to lower so hard ..to 123-139 ...
since cutting out the Amantidine .. I am now at 75-85 pulse ..which is the lowest I have been
the only other time its been lowest is the day after a 22 mile bike ride to Cape Neddeck ... yes ..I can be very active ...
I took reading the next day and my blood suger was a little elevated obviously because she still felt I was pre diabetic ...but She didnt tell me to get a monitor ... I think she thought I could stick to these bike rides and I did for the most part ...but there were drug dealing gangs in the neighborhood ..making fun of me because I was overweight ... obese ..which sucked and someone was doing crystal meth ... next door and I had the window open with the fan and I had dellusions and all I heard was laughing ...
so finally we connected the stuff that was coming inside the window to my dellusions and what not ..my emotional health was down .. I was having paranoia and wouldnt leave my house .. I didnt know what to do .. so I blasted Insane Clown posse out my window to get back at them ..and they would smash against my door because they were pissed off ... they would park on my lawn to do drug deals .. I was afraid to leave my house .. until I got so tired of it .. I called the police and meant my neighbors outside ...they were arrested every night ..they had 16 years old hanging out with thirty year old men ..these men were arrested ...
than my other neighbors with the cmeth ... closed their windows and tried there hardest to intimidate me ..sometimes I would sit on my porch and their kids ..crazy kids doped up on meth ... would scream at me in my own back yard ...so I started taking back my life ..my weight ..by sitting outside on my stoop ..head down and right in a journal ..
and than my bf would take me out on weekends ..leaving the damn place behind ... bike riding ... always bike riding ...winter sucked because I didnt have the strength to ski ...

I am ashamed of my body ..ashamed of what I have done to my body

so I know about my disorders and diseases ... I just wish I was free from all this sh ..and I will never be ..thats all there is to it ..and someone who is bipolar or borderline has to face that everyday ..so now I have extra fun watching my sugers and trying to stave off diabeties ...so I am having the time of my life ..now I get something else to educate myself


but I always educate myself
but I was hoping this one place could give me a kick in the right direction to take care of this mess with the diabeties ...because I have noticed I am in an awesome mood when I am at the right suger levels ..when they are low ... I ignore my bfs aspergers disorder ..which is very hard to do ...

I mean he picks his nose for fun ...at least we have worked off his cold personality ... still hangs up on me ...because he is just that way ...but I love him ..he takes me the way I am and I have read up on his disorder ..
so I even know about disorders I dont have .. kudos for me


thanks for your input ..
natalie jo





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