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I'm 16, 5'5" and around 119-120 lbs currently. Wow, so you understand what I'm going through? It's just so complicating.. Sometimes, when i'm in the "eating mood" i try to eat more because I know that later in the day I will be in the "starve myself" mood.. but then, I feel so bad for eating all of the time. Today i've had about 400 calories before exercising and I feel like a hippo.. I'm gonna go exercise soon to try to burn it off.... gosh I'm such a pig...

When you're on your period can it make you more hungry, or more likely to eat more? Because it feels like since i've got on mine I haven't like.. been hungry, but I've hate like moods where I actually do eat, and I don't know why. Usually I just don't want to eat like at all but.. I dunno.. it's wierd.. I do'nt know if I want to stop.. that's my problem. I've been practically forcing myself to eat because I don't want to lose my friends, but.. gosh.. yesterday I had 700 calories (before exercing, about 200 after exercising) and I felt terrible.....sometimes I know what i'm feeling isn't normal, but other times I'm just like, this is okay... it's so wierd.. like I'm so moody...maybe its ... I dunno.. Why do I feel bad for eating? I guess my eating is getting better, .... last week I was eating around 200-400 calories before excercising then exercising for over an hour. So I guess I"m improving a little bit, but... I'm just so scared of being fat....
That's exactly how it was for me last week. I just got out of school last friday. But last week we had exams all week, so. I would like, eat breakfast (either special k cereal or a bagel) and then go to school and skip lunch cause of exams and stuff, and (i was on my period the end of last week) whenever I came home, I was like ready to eat everything in sight! It was crazy. And what drew my attention was ice cream, like you said for you too. Even though I wasn't really REALLY hungry or anything part of the time, I just wanted to eat, and whenever I saw the ice cream in teh freezer I would like have to have some. It was crazy. I ate so much at once right before my period that I felt so sick and terrible. I was talking to my mom about being more hungry on your period and she said that some people are, and that like when she's on hers she wants lots of chocolate and stuff. I guess its like from all of the "raging hormones" and stuff like that, that makes you so hungry and wanting everything that's fattening and stuff.

Since I've gotten off of mine, I think that I'm in more control than I was on my period. I'm not like running to the fridge every hour to eat icecream or something. lol. I just don't wanna gain wait or anything, i'm terrified of gaining weight.. ugh..

My mom took me shopping yesterday, because I'm going away to this camp for a month over the summer and I needed some dress clothes for when we go out certain places and stuff, and when I was trying them on, I'd come out and my mom would say I looked great, but i'd look in the mirror and always find something wrong with what I was wearing.. either the shirt was too tight and you could see my fat, or it made me look fat, and I just felt terrible. I felt so ugly and fat and.. It was just depressing. Shopping used to be like, my thing, but now.. its like I hate trying on clothes and shopping.

It seems like everytime I eat or drink or something I feel so fat afterwards, and like my stomach is just sticking out and that i'm soo.. ugh..I feel so fat all the time. Why? people keep telling me that i'm skinny, or that i'm not fat or whatever, but.. I see myself that way, and it feels like I am fat. So then I sit there thinking that everyone is lying to me and.. its just depressing.

I know how you feel. it feels like everyone is controlling my life too, or trying to control my life. I honestly don't know if that's what this is about for me, being in control. I'm really not sure.. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and i've always had very low self esteem. When I was late 14/early 15 I had really severe cystic acne, and it was really bad. I always felt bad about myself, like my face, never my weight or anything and..then I went on Accutaine in the middle of my freshman year, and my face cleared up a lot, but not completely. But, by the time I was 16 it was looking pretty good. So, I don't know if acne has just really affected the way I feel and see myself. It's also very hard to please my parents, cause I feel like they are never proud of me, or happy that i'm their daughter. I mean, I could always do better in like everything I do, and they are never proud of me. It just hurts sometimes, when I try so hard and they just don't care. Well, they might, but.. I dunno.

So, what are you going to do about your boyfriend? Are you going to try to commit more to him? It sounds normal and everything, cause that's what my friends boyfriends always say and stuff. I dunno though. I hope things work out with you guys though.

I think I feel the same way you do. I feel so good when I don't eat, or if I don't eat a lot of calories for one day. And.. like having this little secret about my eating problem, and knowing that i can control it.. and that no one else knows and can't stop me.. I don't know.. its a wierd and complicating feeling. Veeeery confusing...
Hey hun,

Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are skinny....you say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....."look...you keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
It could work!

I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! anyways....my best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
But im just.......ugly!
I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

How you doing today lv?
Hope ya ok!
Reply
Love Hannie xxx
Hey Troubled,

I've got one week to completly starve myself :(! Then im going to have to go to the doctor!!!!!! URGH ARGH URGH!!!!!! Then im going on 'band tour' to Italy with all my friends. There (like you on camp) im going to try and keep myself so occupied that I wont have to eat, tho its going to be sooo hot! But my mum is now threatening that she will tell my teacher that im not eating so that she will make sure I eat when im away! Thats NOT good! Im going to go to the doctor just to make sure she doesnt do that!

I was camping with my friends at a festival on saturday, and one of my friends is struggling abit with food, I dont really know much about it because I havent really talked to her much about it! Im alot smaller then most of my friends....being short at 5ft3 :(! I realise this and im not going to lie to myself and say, im fatter then alot of my friends! because im not really tha much bigger then them. My friends are NOT fat tho! There really skinny, but more importantly they're happy with their bodies. We were putting up the tent, and where we are in England at the moment is 32'C Which is v.v.hot for England, and we were all sweating and stuff.....anyways two of my friends wore just their bikinis. I really wanted too as well, but I kept my top on! Then later all my friends were sunbathing in their bikini's except for me and the girl hoo has a promblem too. It made it easier for me not too wear the bikini since she wasnt....but she sed 'u have a lovly body...wear your bikini.' But i dont know if she was lieing, its SO hard to know.

If your friends are telling you that you really are getting skinny......do you think that mayb they are right? or do you think they are lying. See I think I look no different then I did back in feb! I dont know how im ever going to look skinner. But mayb u do? U just cant see it! Maybe u shud go see a doctor aswell just to see if your friends are really right! WHatcha think?

Wow that calculator sounds really fab! Where do you get them from? I am forever looking at back of packets to see how many calories are in what, but when mum makes tea some things I aint gotta clue have how many calories it contains.

When I was camping, aswell, there were soooo many temptations, but I only ate some bread before I went and some snacky things like a few sweets and crisps and an ice lollie, But i didnt exercise, URGH!

Ive gotta another exam today at 1.00pm which is about 6.30am in america, so im going to go and exercise till then, because I got up early and mum forced a bowl of special K down my throat....WITH MILK, which is like 171 cals! :( :o
Ive got 3 more exams to go now, french, physics and r.e! Then ive got like 10 weeks off YEH :) But its gunna b hard to starve, because my mum is a teacher so she is going to b at home all the time on hol as well, and will make me eat. But mayb if im going to the docotor she will lay off a little.

I know exactly what u mean, about not feeling skinny enough, im smaller then my friends, shorter and a lil skinner then some, but i just dont feel skinny enough, and I dont want to eat!

It sounds like you have been having some trouble over the past years with other issues? Do you wanna talk about them? mayb they cood have triggered this disorder. Dont worry if ya dont tho, i understand. Control is a big thing for me. You cant control what people think, or how tall you are, or what your born into, or where your born, or which group of people are in your year at school. It happens and if something goes wrong then you cant really change it! But weight, well, you can change weight, so much easier then any other thing! thats y im obessed with it. No one knows about it, its mine, and no one can take it away except for me. it makes me feel safe, without it i dont know who i would b. DO you feel the same? .... i think you do, as you talked about it in your previous post, exactly the same way as I wood have put it.

Yeh I honestly, do want to help you. Helping you makes me feel better aswell! I dunno, wierd, but I can relate to what your saying and its good to have someone that I can tell my problems to. I really hope your okey, and that you write back b4 u go away!

Love ya

X Hannie X
Troubled,

I hope I haven't missed you before you go to camp, because I havent posted.
I hope everything is going well for you at the moment!
It's thundering and lightning outside at the moment (So much for the 2 weeks of 30'C sun we had :( ) Hopefully it will stop by tonight because I have a party in the local common.

Yesterday, It was very very very hot here in England, apparently ment to be a heat wave soon, tho the thunder doesnt help, lol, anyway, I had loads of friends round to my house and we sunbathed in the garden and got out a huge plastic mat and poured fairy liquid and water on it and skidded down it. It was great fun the only problem was, I had to wear my bikini, I was sooooo scared, I looked a little thinner then some of my friends but I was so self consious! I found myself having to breathe in all the time.

AND SIN OF ALL SINS YESTERDAY NIGHT>>>ARGH! I went to a party at my friends house because we have now officially finished all our exams, and well, I got a little bit 'how do you say' hyper and happy, and ended up telling this boy who is really really really nice, (like to talk to and chat to and muck about with) that I had an eating disorder, anyway, if that wasnt bad enough, there were these two other boys there, one who is fab aswell and I dont think would tell anyone, and the other I hardly know! Why did I do such a stupid thing like that!!!!!!!!! The thing is I dont even think I have an eating disorder, do I? I dont know, i know I have a problem with food, and its tearing me up and Im unhappy, but (leading back to your thread title) what attually is annorexia? am I annorexic, i dont look it, tho I know it doesnt have anything to do with if you look stick thin or not, but ARGH, i dont know, i just dont know anymore. I dont know what I am, I dont know who I am, I am
having such a mental breakdown, I just dont know what to do anymore, Im sooo stupid that I let myself get out of control at that party and tell those boys. Im sure it will be fine and they wont remember in the morning anyways that I told them, and two of them im pretty sure wont say anything, but ya know!?! I just hope nothing gets out.
I wonder why I even said that, why why why why? Because I dont really know if I have an eating disorder so why did I even say I have. I dont even remember how I brought it up in the convi! URGH! HELP!
Im soooo annoyed.

.............

Whats a dermatologist?

I think maybe a doctor, could be a good step for you, im attually warming to the idea of it myself, I might even ask him while im there if I should go into therapy or something I dont know. I dont think you would look suspicious if you went to a doctor, he/she would listen to you, and even if their not specialised in eating disorders im sure they might send you to someone who is if you really need it, or try themselves to regain something that you want to happen, like jutifing what your doing.

Thats really messed up about your friend, who just left you. I really hate people that are your friend one minute and not the next, or are friends with you when it suits them, I think its perfetic I know many friends like that, sometimes I just give up, but its hard when you want to be friends with somone, but you keep questioning if its worth it, at the moment I just dont have any energy for people like that.

hmmm, yeh I find it easier when im doing something to not eat. Tho when im on my own, I can just about stop myself. I find it sooo difficult mostly not to eat when my family is around me, I hate lying to my mum about what I have and haven't eaten but I just have to otherwise it would turn out even worse then it already is.

like you, I really want to be back at school properly, just so that I dont have to eat lunch. But then it gets so stressful at school and so when I am there I just want to be at home again. This hol is going to be so hard, I just have to stick my head up high, and do as much exercise as poss. I think my mum and I are going to join the local gym which will be fab.

Its great that you have a really good best friend who you can trust and who will stick by you no matter what. I also have really bad trust issues with friends. I have only just really made a closer group of friends consisting of about 4 that I could tell about the eating disorder. I havent been great friends with them for very long but I feel our relationships is growing stronger everyday. I just dont want to loose them. I dont have a bestfriend anymore it soudns really sad when I type it out but I dont. My best friend in primary school..(age 5-12) was fab but then she moved into a different class in secondary school (age 12-16) and now we have split apart. I still go shopping and things with her, but I dont feel that I can really talk to her that much. My other best friend since the start of secondary school, is still an amazing friend, but once again we have drifted apart, we still go out and I go round to her house, but I have a boyfriend and so does she and I think that split us up a little, which isnt nice. and so I dont feel I could tell her as I would think she would judge me.

I look in the mirror and see me, see a girl fairly skinny, not majorly fat, but not stick thin, and just see me, no different each time I look, there's me, me again, and again and again no difference...ever. and it frustrates me. It first started off with looking at what I eat and telling myslef if I dont stop then I will become fat, maybe not now but when im slightly older, or maybe in a few weeks time. I put off not eating for ages until one day I just said, enough, no more eating. It developed slowly when I broke up with my boyfriend and he went out with someone else, I love him sooooo much, i was soooooo depressed without him, i didnt go out, i cried all the time and lost some of my friends because I was so upset. We got back together after him and his x broke up, but the eating problem still remained.


I used to get bullied in primary school a lot, by one friend in particular, but now we are not friends any more. But it still hurts looking back at it. Then in secondary school my "best friend" was really really nice, but all the boys loved her and I was ugly so they didnt talk to me. I felt she was always getting the attention and the boyfriends and no one wanted me, I felt so alone. since about 1 month ago, I only really had my boyfriend as my best friend. I had no one else. I found myself always calling other people up and asking them to come out or wateva. They would never ask me, and just go out without me, it really hurt, but my boyfriend stuck by me.
But its hard sometimes when you dont have any other friends and all your boyfriend can tell you is........am I not good enough? why do you need other friends when you have me? etc etc

That is really sad about your music teacher. I dont really have a teacher that im really close to like you were with him, so I can only try and understand how you feel. I hate it when people ignore you when you are upset. Its not that we want attention its just that we want some comfort and someone to listen. and its hard when no one is a good enough friend even to do that. I say anyone who wont listen and judges or bitches behind my back is not worth it, i think its cruel and perfetic.

Right now im feeling really down, about what I said at the party last nite, and also i feel really sick. I think maybe if I just went to the loo and was sick I would feel so much better, ill probably try in a minute.
Why do I feel like this? how have I got to stage where I can and make myself physically sick and feel better for it? ive only made myself sick twice, but both times i feel so happy afterwards.

Yesterday I was having a good time with my friends, and they all made pasta salad in my kitchen, I only had a very little bit, but I really just wanted to eat the lot and say....i have no problem with food! But i do and I couldnt! ITS HARD, i just want it to go away

sorry for the rant today,
hope your having a better day then me!
looking forward to here how ya doin.

Lv
Hannie





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