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Eating Disorder Recovery Message Board


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It's strange because some days I feel completely recovered, then the very next day I'm freaking out again about my weight, food, etc. I realize that I fear gaining weight and getting fat more than anything. It's almost as if I would get fat it would be the end of the world. Even when I'm eating normally and happy with my body, the fear of losing control and gaining a bunch of weight is still there. I can't just be happy with myself and leave it at that. The "what if's" are still there. I mean right now I'm 106-107lbs @ 5'1". I realize I'm at a normal and healthy weight for my height and overall I'm happy with my body. But I just keep thinking, what if I just start gaining weight like crazy and end up at 120 or even 130? I know the reason I'm feeling bad is because I completely overate last night. And to me over-eating at anytime is unacceptable even though I know everyone does it at times. Me and my fiance went out to eat. I of course ate pretty healthy...a salad, rotessiere chicken (took off skin), baked sweet potato w/ cinnamon honey butter and marshmallows (ok w/ the butter and marshamallows it wasn't very healthy), small roll. I ate half of my chicken and most of the sweet potato which of course were both big. Then I felt really full. On our way home we passed one of my fav ice cream places and my fiance wanted to stop. I was still full and really didn't think I had room for ice cream but I couldn't resist and just ordered a small vanilla cone. Then I was really really full. Then of course along came the guilt. Why couldn't I just accept that I ate a little too much and then just leave it at that? It's not like I completely binged and ate huge amounts of food. I ate normal, like most people would any given day. I just feel out of control sometimes when it comes to food. And my biggest fear is losing complete control and gaining 20 lbs or so. But I know that is my biggest problem right there.......CONTROL. If I lost the control I would be better off in the long run. I'm trying to learn to be an intuitive eater, but I can't if I feel like I'm "controlling" what I eat all the time. That isn't what intuitive eating is about. I can't honor my hunger and eat what I want and until I'm full if I feel like I need to control what I eat and how much. It's just so hard to let go of the fear. And I'm always thinking about how many cals I really need. I mean I'm short and small framed, and I hardly ever exercise. And I know I can easily eat more than I need. I guess I'm just having a hard time today. And today should be an exciting day for me, I'm going to try on wedding dresses for my wedding that is coming up in July. And of course I'm scared that when I try on my dress and get it sized that I will gain weight between now and July and it won't fit. How do I lose my fear of gaining weight and just eat????





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