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Grief & Loss Message Board


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My prayers are with you. It is amazing how friends and good friends just disappear when the going gets rough. I can definately feel for you. I had that happen when I was younger and went through a really rough time with surgery and afterwards a really rough depression and for me the friends I was closest to are the ones who up and never called again. Guess we find out who are real friends really are. Excuses of they just can't handle it or don't know waht to say don't quite cut it for me. Sometimes a card or phone call, going to lunch anything shows they care. I have learned now later in life who is really there for me as well as I for them and the rest sorry are not worth my time. Time is too valuable to be wasted and I let it be known. I am sorry about your brother we seem to lose the ones that our dearrest to us way too soon. Regards Carol.
First off, I want to thank everyone for all of their very helpful replies! I wish I had come to the board again a lot sooner. It's always so helpful to see that you arent the only one going thru a particular thing. I do think it's rather disgraceful though, that this sort of thing happening is so common.... that should not be!

Betsyjean: Well, the thing is, I am not a "reacher-outer"... I am when something bad happens and a person needs help and a lift, but in day to day life, I always wait for people to call me to do stuff. Im quite passive that way. So when what all happened, happened, I was waiting for others to reach out to me, not only because I have that tendency anyway but also because I mean, what happened was a horrible, shocking tragedy. I was the one who needed reaching out TO, u know? And did not think I was at all unreasonable or unrealistic because of it. Now so much time has passed, no, I dont think I could reach out and call people and tell them I need help....its now been over a year since my brother died. I kind of assume people in general assume I have "moved on" and am doing Ok..... although that is not true at all.

MommaBee -- I think at FIRST I appeared to be pretty "ok"..... I was very calm and peaceful and God was helping me very much indeed. BUt I also was in a state of shock. When it wore off, and it did, I was in a very bad way indeed. Very, very troubled and shaken to the depths of my being. But this took like a month to kick in. By this time, people were long gone....and werent there to begin with, except for about 5 people from my church who did come to the viewing. I never heard from any of them again, except when one woman called me a month later to ask if I would help clean the church... she didnt even ask about or mention my brother at all, and I was extremely hurt and also angry.

As time went on, and I felt more and hurt and then I admit, resentful towards my church, I did attend services but would not talk to anyone. I was in so much pain.... and I must have given off the appearance of wanting to be left alone. Not smiling, head low, very quiet, etc. I wish someone had had the sense to realize my heart was crying out for someone, anyone, to come and sit next to me and put an arm around me and comfort and love me. I cant tell you how it felt to see my brother in a coma and on life support for 8 days.... he and I had been talking outside and then he left to go out for a few hours. Next thing I know, I was getting a phone call from a well-known Trauma Center telling me he had been in a severe car accident and to get there right away.

I did have 2 friends who came to see him with me the day that he ended up dying (right in front of us). I was very grateful for that, very much so. But I needed a lot more, and ongoing. I was traumaztized and profoundly shocked......

Anyway.... MoomaBee, that is terrible what happened when u had that accident. There is NO excuse for that at all, none whatsoever. The Bible talks about seeing a brother in need and that what good is it to say, "Well take care, hope u have enough to eat and stay warm" and then to do NOTHING for that peson, is meaningless. I am afraid too many are like that these days, very selfish and either willfully or "ignorantly" not meeting the even basic needs of others. I hope you have forgiven all involved..... and that in time may feel up to trying another church. Because I am told not all are like that. Would love to find a real "outreach" and loving church family myself tho!

CapCity and ncCarol: I am very sorry for your own experiences as well. It is so devastating, isnt it? I think I was hurt more by the lack of support than I was by the death of my beloved brother! It affected me that deeply.... to my core. 13 months later, I am STILL healing.... and lonelier than ever, I hate to say. I now have no close friends, and only a few acquiantances. I am unable - or unwilling? - to take the steps needed to find new friends or support. Disappointed in God, too. That He allowed me to go thru what I did after everything I had already been thru in life (years of an illness with great suffering and pain, extensive history of abuse, loss, suicide attempts, etc).

I dont know. BUt I thank each and every one of you for sharing your stories. They have helped me to feel a little better and a lot less alone.

God bless you,


overcomer32
I am truly sorry to hear that you are going through this as well... it does happen way to often.

Myself, my mother got sick in around July last year. People as soon as they found out started to keep their distance, most of these people were like children to my mother, and she had helped them in so many ways.

After her funeral which was in November 07, No one contacted me whatsoever... I have two children who are now bitter towards the world too because of how much they adored their nan and how much they saw her help these people too.

Not only did I get no one calling or anything ... I also got horrid comments and people ending the friendship. I knew that they had only hung around for 20 odd years for what they needed out of my mother.

I have also heard the words that they find it hard to deal with and that they might not know what to say, and to be honest that is a load of crock. Tables turned I know I would be there no matter how hard it is. Its a lame excuse that is all it is.

I am now a very bitter person, and have no time for anyone really, I have lost faith in people in general. My mother was my best friend and the only honest person I have ever known. she would be turning in her grave if she heard the words some of these people have said to me since she passed.

There is no excuse to treat anyone badly, and when someone turns around and puts you down over the funeral or anything related to your loved one, that is just sick. That is what happened to me and mine.

I truly think there are few understanding people out there. I have really found the only people who do have understanding are those who have been there. What is sad is they have experienced this too. What has this world come to.:(
Thank you...

I know in time (maybe a long time) I will forgive these people for what they have put myself and two children through, considering my mother and I were there for them all the time for 20 odd years. But at this point in time it is too raw to put it aside. I have learnt one thing, that is I truly believe it is best to surround yourself with those who you believe will be there for you.. I now after these friendships recognised that a lot of it was one sided and they just wanted to use us for the advice (mainly) mum gave.

I will not forget, and will not be their friends again (as immature as that may sound) It is too deep and the greatest time of need. I would not in this lifetime turn away from someone in such need.

Time will heal, but they will not be welcome in my life again, they haven't just hurt me, they have hurt my children, that is hard to walk past.

I am not just talking about those who walk away and avoid us, but to have someone accuse me that the funeral was about me and not my mother and many other horrible remarks, makes me even more livid... This one is more recent so am still quite angry.

It has only been 3 mths, she was my best friend and only other dedicated family I have had my whole life other than my children. So myself and my children have to stick together and try to get through this by ourselves.

Thank you.. I do know that faith is wavy for me at the moment, but I guess that is all about the grieving.. time will heal... I HOPE !!

Take care xxoo
[QUOTE]I will not forget, and will not be their friends again (as immature as that may sound) [/QUOTE]

It doesnt sound immature to me at all. It is wisdom.

It'd be like lending money repeatedly to someone who NEVER pays you back. It is really wise to continue to lend them money? I think not.

With the friendships, I dont know how close these people were to you and maybe some were quite close and others not so much.... I dont think it is wrong or immature at all to "step back" from all of them.
I currently have about 2 friends.... but there was a time I had 22 more people in my life than I do now. I just phased people out but was very deeply hurt in general over the lack of support but also just lack of RESPONSE> As if my brother never got into a terrible car accident and then died. It was and it as if he never even existed and that has hurt me greatly as well.

I still feel I am wounded and the healing still "in progress" and I dont know at all that I'll ever be able to have a truly close friend again in my life. The hurt was that deep.

I don't know the motive behind people in your life making very negative comments about the funeral but that is pretty appalling :confused:
I am sorry again that you had to go thru this and still are going thru it. 3 months is not long. You do have your children and so I hope they are a good support to and for you.

Best to you,

FG
Thank you for your response...

The so called friends that have not contacted me etc... I had known for a good 22 years, one of which my mother took on as another daughter almost. My mother and myself supported these people through their bad times... My mother was way better at it than me, but I did my best.

What is hard is that the one my mother took on as a daughter, decided while she was ill not to have anything else to do with us... I decided to try and repair the friendship after she passed, but she was angry at mum for saying some home truths to her, which she had done before. Mum was honest but caring. She has contacted me twice in three months, and she has outings and parties etc with other friends, but I am never invited, so I just got fed up.

The one that commented on the funeral, had no right at all to say what she did. She had taken events and "assumed" that they were fact, when at the end of the day, she was completely misinformed, but she approached it in a manner that was not appropriate at all. Everyone that was at the funeral knew I had set it up better than my mother had even requested, she only wanted to be cremated to save money for us, but she was worth more... so I even remember stating that it was mainly for those who hadn't said their goodbyes, and I was told by this so called friend that it was "my show" and many other horrible things she said. Which I won't go into.

Even if it was as she said, she has no right to say that to me, and to abandon a friendship of 22 years + is disgusting. Why now?

What is hard, is I am the support to my children, they don't seem to be able to support me, they don't even like me talking about it at this stage (their way of grieving I guess) But I have had three months of doing it on my own, trying to get back to college, and trying to find a way just to be able to pay the rent that has doubled since mum died. So yes its a hard time, which I know you relate to.

I am angry, and bitter, exhausted, sad and fed up, basically need a break from everything but that relief just isn't coming.

Thanks again for listening.:)
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I probably wouldn't have known what to say to you because there is nothing I could say that would make you feel better. I had a friend who lost her brother, he was helping someone with a flat tire and another car hit him. The only thing I told her was that if she needed someone to listen and a shoulder I would be there for her. She did take me up on my offer.
What I want you to know is that you are not alone with not understanding why people behave the way they do. I had emergency open heart surgery in January. I had a tumor the size of a plum in my heart and could have died at any time. I am married 17 years and have two children 12 & 14. We have not seen or heard from my mother-in-law, brother and sister-in-laws, nieces and nephews since Christmas. They live 5 minutes away. My mother-in-law has not even called to see how her son and grandchildren are doing. Not to mention that my son, her grandson went in for surgery two days after I went in. I have been there for them when they needed me. My sister-in-law had breast cancer and needed help I was there, My mother-in-law had surgery I was there at the hospital, brought flowers, books etc.
I even had a neighbor tell me that my sister-in-law has been giving him regular updates on my condition which is amazing since I haven't see or spoken to her, nor has my husband. This is suppose to be OUR FAMILY! Pretending to be such a loving family to everyone. How would they behave if I had died? Would they treat my children and husband with the same indifference? I am really hurt and going to have a really hard time getting over this. I don't know if I ever will.
P.S.That friend that I mentioned above, she cooked meals for us and has checked in with me to see how we are doing. And I am very grateful.
It will be three (3) years for me next month and I am STILL not all the way healed from the devastation wrought on me by being abandoned in my darkest hour (brother killed as result of car accident). I still feel I cannot trust anyone and the walls around my heart must be pretty high.... even all this time later. It does hurt, very very much. It is like, How can they ...??

Like you, I am one who would call, send cards, gifts, visit, etc., when/if i Knew someone had suffered a loss of a loved one or was ill, or what have you. I could not understand, comprehend, how I could be left completely alone in my great time of need.

I still dont have any answers other than, God is in control. He allows things to happen.... we usually dont and wont know all the whys this side of Heaven. In the meantime, I would really suggest you try so hard to forgive all who have so deeply disappointed and hurt you.... otherwise you will become bitter and then that just spoils your life, it really does.

I pray you find healing from all this.... I can certainly understand how you must feel.... it hurts, bigtime. Don't dwell on it if you can avoid doing so.... again, will just make it worse for you. Forgive.... bless them.... go on with your life to the best of your ability.

May God bless and keep you,


FarmGirl
Unbelievable. I recently had a horrible loss as well, and the people who I thought were my best friends (who even claimed to be), left me high and dry. Then I was made to feel guilty for thinking I needed them, and got so many excuses..."oh I thought you'd want to be alone" or "didn't think you wanted people around" etc...
I don't understand people. In fact, these are the very same people, who in their time of need (and there have been many), I was at their side in a split second. Perhaps that is just my personality, and then I expect the same in return.
I have no advice to give you as far as getting over that disappointment and pain. I have a strong relationship with God, and that is the only thing that has been keeping me going through all of this. I am hoping in time, my friends will see things more clearly, but I am not counting on it.
I could choose now, to cut those people out of my life, or reach out to them (even though I am still suffering). I am not sure how to do that, but one step at a time.
I am sorry, even though I do not know you, that you have to go through this. Suffering is a horrible thing. God is the only one who will NEVER abandon you no matter what; even when things are difficult to understand.

Prayers,
Friend
This is one of the saddest threads I have read. I am so hurt for you all that these people let you all down when you really needed them. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you all.

You all sound like really good, kind and loving people and I hope that this doesn't make you stay away from people and avoid them because I'm really and truly sure that there are other people out there who would not do this to you. I have to admit I have not much time for excuses like 'we thought you wanted to be alone' that is just totally selfish and they can't be bothered. They really need to have a deep think to themselves about how they have behaved.

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better but I know there isn't which I'm sorry I do wish I could.

One thing though that might be worth considering if you, in the future, feel up to it. I don't know if there's any support groups in your area where you could meet and really explain how you feel and where others can help you and where your faith in humans could be restored?

The thing I've noticed nowadays is that we're all so caught up with our routine, our chores, our material things that the sense of community and love for one another has been replaced by just looking after ourselves.

Please don't run away from everyone though, honestly there are some really good people out there but these ones who have let you down have lost sight of compassion and helping people.

Hugs to you all each and every one of you.





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