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Mixed Emotions
Mar 7, 2001
I should be happy right now but for some reason I'm just sad and scared.

I'm almost 35 years old and my husband is 38. I have had PCOS for approximately 17 years and finally got Diagnosed the fall of 1999. I tried to get pregnant about 10 years ago and did a few cycles of Clomid, 50 mg but it never worked. I gave up crying over my period and told myself I would just never be a mother. I got past the heartbreak. At the time we were living in Germany and the military doctors weren't much help anyway.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS I was having it treated with spironolactone. It was really helping me with my severe mood swings. Finally I learned about Glucophage and my dr. had me tested for Insulin Resistance. It showed I did indeed have IR and they put me on 1500 mg of Gluc a day starting last August which was bumped to 2000mg a day in December. They recommended I begin seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist as they are better than just a regular Endocrinologist. Well I went to one of the best ones in town. I wasn't even thinking of trying to become pregnant, just treating my PCOS and IR. But when I left his office that day, I started back on the old journey. He recommended to me that I start trying again now as since I was already going to be 35 years old and my PCOS has been ongoing for a long time, that my ovaries would only get worse.

Maybe that is why I am having a hard time dealing with all this. In my mind I said never again would I go through the upset of getting my period. Yet here I am doing things I said I would never do. They wanted to start me on Clomid in January but my period was all crazy so we waited til February. First I was on 100mg of Clomid for 5 days (days 3-7) and then an ultrasound on day 10 of my cycle. It showed only one follicle. Immature at 9mm in size. So he put me on another 100mg of Clomid a day for 5 days starting that day. Ultrasound again and still only one 9mm follicle. He bumped me up to 150mg of Clomid for 7 days. This concerned me. 3 cycles worth of Clomid in 3 weeks! Another ultrasound... worse response than before... only a 7.5mm follicle. He said 90% of women will respond to clomid and that I was in the 10% who did not. Of course I was... I felt those old feelings coming back. Next he said... would be injectable medication. This is the something I once said I would never do... yet I didn't hesitate to agree. They decided on Repronex as it is the cheapest. My insurance pays for 50% of my meds so this was good. I could get the vials for only $15.93 a vial... and surely not needing more than 20 vials a cycle. They wanted me to do the shots intra-muscular in my butt, given to me by my husband but I asked to please try sub-cutaneous in my tummy. So I could give them to myself. Apparently some women have a bad reaction to doing them sub and they get hives and have to go to the butt ones. They put me on Provera for 10 days to start my period. We went to class on March 2nd to learn how to do the shots and on March 4th my period started. With a vengeance! (Isn't Provera wonderful??) So I went in yesterday morning for an ultrasound. Can we say EWWWWWWWWW?. This is my 5th ultrasound in less than a month with no end in sight! Anyway yesterday he said everything looked good to go. So last night I did it. I did my first Repronex injection. My hands were shaking so bad. I was scared I would mess up when mixing it but my husband helped me and I handed it over to him to get the air bubbles out cause I couldn't stop shaking. I'm not afraid of needles or shots. Or the tiny lil pain that comes with it. But when I had that needle back in my hand... I was thinking... "I cant do this. I cant stick this thing in my stomach!" Brian said yes you can. You can do it. And so I just did. I didn't even feel it. It was all the way in (VERY tiny needle) and I slowly pushed the plunger down, waiting for the burn the nurse said I might have. It didn't burn or anything. I removed the needle and I burst into tears.

I don't know why I started crying. Just suddenly all these emotions hit me. I'm really scared. I just injected a major drug into my body. Knowing that I could over stimulate. Knowing that that is dangerous to do. I'm scared of making too many follicles and the dr. calling the cycle off. I'm scared that we will get pregnant with too many babies and are faced with selective reduction. :-( And I'm scared at failing at this too. I'm not positive enough. And I hope I'm not depressing anyone here. I just know this is a place I can come to talk about it. And people will understand. If we do get some good follicles (the dr is hoping for 4-6 good ones) Then he will give me the HCG shot to have me ovulate. The next day we will do IUI and Brian's sperm will be inseminated into me (he is good to go with a 96 million count) and then the day after that they do a second IUI to up our chances further. My dr. told me he thinks we stand a really good chance of this working this month. I'm trying not to get too excited. Could it really happen to me? Could I really be pregnant within the next two weeks? In any case I go back Saturday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork to see how I am doing so far. Dr. said it should be no more than 7-10 days of the meds. They are watching me closely.

I'm a mess. I should be dealing with this better but for some reason I'm not. My sister just did her first IVF with 3 embryo's implanted and 6 frozen. She's pregnant on her first try. :-) We are all so happy for her. She had an ultrasound the other day and they only see one baby although there still could be another one or two in there. Her positive experience has helped me alot but I don't want to get to IVF. Something else I said I would never do. But I would. Isn't it funny what we will do? If this doesn't work for me this month, next month is a laparoscopy with ovarian drilling. My HSG test came out good. Then a couple more months of injectables. Then I'm not sure what I will do.

I'm sorry this is so long. I needed to vent my fears. I really do wish everyone the best of luck with this. Have a great day. :-)

~Kim





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