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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Message Board

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My first post
Jan 18, 2007
hmmm. I guess I will tell my long convoluted story. My first memory of an OCD "type" of experience was in the 70's when that TV show "That's Incredible" was on. They showed different types of germs, bed bugs and I recall very specifically some type of microscopic organism that supposedly lived in your eyelash roots (I could be wrong about this...heck I was about 7yrs old). I pulled all of my eyelashes out and pulled all of my best friend's eyelashes out (what was she thinking??), began sleeping on the floor and would not allow my toothbrush to touch anything else in the house and wanted to keep it with me always. My sister teased me for being a freak & my mother grounded me because my best friend's mother was frantic that I had pulled out her eyelashes....nice.
My second episode would be counting all of my steps to and from elementary school. I did not always do this, but often enough that I remember it....if I lost count, I thought something terrible would happen. I also had problems with "stepping on cracks" for fear it would "break my mother's back".
Although these sound serious, they were not noticed and actually with time they seemed to disappear & my germ phobia permanently disappeared.
Moving forward to my tween years. I babysat all the time and am great with children. I had horrible all encompassing fears that I would somehow lose control and harm a child and very often these fears involved very inappropriate pedophelia type clarify, these fears terrified me and never had even the slightest iota of any excitement. Nothing ever occurred beyond me secluding into my shell and being terrified to share this knowledge with anyone. Believe it or not, this fear eventually went away with time and no treatment.
My next fear was a type of questioning my orientation, but I saw that they do not want any postings on this topic, so I will move on...suffice to say that this mostly disappeared.
My compulsions have come and gone throughout my life & I have hidden most of them. Most last about three months, some have lasted amany years and have included small areas of hairpulling, serious scab picking, pulling the dry skin off of my feet until they would bleed. Again, believe it or not most of these have disappeared, but still come back under periods of extreme stress.
Which takes us to present time. I am single and will periodically drink alcohol to excess and I can handle a bad hangover, but I get under a cloud of anxiety that is absolutely horrifying. I have been on and off dating the same man for 10yrs and the closer we get to a possible engagement, I freak out in regards to are we making a mistake, will I always love him....etc. It gets ridiculous when I obsessively think about a fear of cheating on him (you don't know me, but I have never done this and it is completely outside my personality). When I freak out, I am obviously an unhealthy person to be around & go figure, he walks away & tells me to leave him alone. Here is where it gets kinda psycho....I will call him and talk to him again and again and again (you get the point) sometimes for hours/days on end. I want to stop, but have been absolutely unable full-well knowing that this is making the situation worse. I had some minor surgery last week and had a prescription of Vicodin that I needed to take. I felt absolutely normal. This scared the snot out of me as this Rx can be addictive. I stopped & a couple of days later I had that anxiety feeling again & took the Rx and it stopped again for 12hrs. Now that I saw a pattern I got absolutely concerned and spent about 12hrs on the internet today using some key words and I found alot of similarity between myself & people w/anxiety disorders, OCD & am trying to figure this out. I ordered a natural remedy (seredyn) last night as I am desperate and hope it does the trick. I am planning on going to an OCD support group this weekend (although I don't know if this is exactly what is gong on) in the hope that I can be get the names of some good physician's in my area. I feel like I am crazy & told all the above to my boyfriend today (I have never told anyone in my life) and who know's if he is going to stick around. I feel happy that I found this HealthBoard, because I now feel like I may not be alone out there. I hate the thought of taking any Rx....years ago I was in therapy and was on Paxil and hated the feeling it gave me. I suppose I only tried it for three months, but I shook and felt like I wanted to jump off of a cliff...I weaned myself off of it immediately. I have minimal to no problems when there is little stress in my life and although I have fought depression in my past, things are going fairly well in my life and I have had less of these type problems than w/any other time in my life. I think the timing of my last "episode" in conjunction w/alcohol and then already being on the Vicodin for three days made me do research and this is where I am at today. although I am feeling OK right now, I think my admission to the boyfriend will probably result in him walking out the door, which will be a HUGE anxiety trigger (it has been in the past) and I am hoping to proactively fight any further problems with this. Although I have been mostly successful in hiding my problems, it is beginning to effect my health, career and relationships and I want to get better.....any advice? any similarities? anyone ever try Seredyn? I want a "quick fix" & in reading other posts, it doesn't sound like that is an option...good news is my symptoms are not that severe now. Help!!

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