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I'm reading some stuff and other posts on the board and I'm finding out that cheating keeps coming up in conversation. Is this a common thing? Does everyone with BPD cheat?
I have been living with my wife (BPDer for quite a long time) for about two years. She has gone through friends like she goes through her moods, but one thing has been very prevalent in her life....she consistently chooses people to befriend that are much like her. In other words, she, like most anybody, chooses people to be in her life who are like-minded as her. Now that we have established that, let me tell you that she has never been monogamous in a relationship, no matter how serious the relationship was. She has always cheated, for various reasons she found it convienent to believe. And she has always found her way into the hearts and minds of other "like-minded" people (they all cheated too, imagine that). On top of all this, most of her friends show most of the signs/symptoms of BPD, giving them the perfect way to 'support' her while encouraging self-damaging behavior ("life is terrible", "they don't love you right", "you are right in your actions"....stuff like that). She cheated with some and flirted with cheating with all the rest of them.....yes, even the women, when she found them attractive.

So do all BPDers cheat? Of course not. It wouldn't be correct or respectful to "label" people in any one category like that. Is it common? For the most part, yes. The disorder is a living hell, and anything that can take that edge off, even if it's momentary, is a viable option for them. I don't know if your BPDer cheated on you, but I wish you a world of fortunance in dealing and understanding your situation. It is a good question, and you have every reason to ask why. Thanks for your quesiton.

STzenn
STZenn -I agree so much with your above statement (I wasn't sure how to copy, maybe with the quote button, but I copied and pasted).
That brings me to my current problem. Tim has invited me to his counselling session, next Tues. He told his counselor that I think he has BPD, brought the book, they went down the list....and the counselor says he doesn't have it.....BS so I don't know how to proceed. If I push the issue, what is the point...just to PROVE that I'm right? If I don't, the problem will not get addressed properly. He didn't answer the question honestly, and of course I can't blame the counselor. I just don't know why they want me there....I think it's so they can tell me I'm insecure. That's what he told me the counselor said....LOL what a joke. I will go and see, but I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after wards.
Just curious, because you mentioned it, I'm hoping you don't mind me bringing it up. You said you're a drug addict. Do you think that is part of why you stay with her? How bad is your addiction, if you don't mind me asking, what is your drug of choice, and are you trying to quit? You don't have to answer if you want and I apologize in advance if you think I'm being too nosy. I myself am addicted to pot, but haven't really addressed the issue or taken steps to stop. Maybe one of these days...The addictions board here has some really supportive people that really care and pull together for each other. You might want to check it out.
I hope your wife does accept the help she is being offered and really uses it to make a positive change in her life and in your marriage.
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( I copied and pasted too.....lol) As far as the hubby and his denial goes, and this is just a flat out obvious thing to say, that is some bad news. There really isn't any right answer for you, in my opinion. So you go and say what you need to say, as long as the counselor asks the right questions, and you come out looking like an insecure, paranoid, ego-maniac with relationship problems if the counselor doesn't see what you see or your hubby has done a good enough job in "hiding" his real self in therapy. Or you just don't address it and it won't come up and you spend the time with the counselor talking about how you are not really insecure and you attempt to justify a relatively balanced self-image and healthy mindset towards your partner......furthering the problems that would be unaddressed towards the hubby. Neither situation has a positive outcome when looked at in those terms, but the truth as I see it has only one solution. You have to do what you have to do and you don't know what the counselor or the "session's" purpose is yet and you won't until you get there. I would take it easy and focus on the reality of the situation and take it as it comes. If it's gonna be bad, make it as good as you can and say what you have to in order to live with yourself. If it's gonna be good you can be a positive influence on the situation by speaking what you know to be the truth so that maybe, just maybe your hubby can get his problems addressed properly. Either way, you can't dictate that outcome, but you can't give up hope either just because you don't have the power to control the future.....ya know? I feel for you though, it's an awfully tough situation to be dealing with and your husband has taken an immense effort to hindering his recovery which inevitably makes things much more difficult for you, and that is very unfortunate. Do what you have to do, and nothing more....that is all I can say for that.....that and best wishes for you, all of our strength is with you!

To answer your questions, and no I don't mind at all, but thanks for asking though.... I don't think I've stayed with my wife because of my drug addicted nature. As a matter of fact, if my addiction and lessons learned as a result have done anything to influence my marriage, it has been to know when to fight and when to throw in the towel. I tell my wife all the time about my past when I was struggling with this situation or that and myself in the middle of it all and how I came through by realizing the truth of it and my part in f@cking things up around me. It worked like this, "If you act like an *******, people will treat you like and *******", and if you don't like the way people are treating you, then change the way you treat people......"yeah right" she says. No, my drug addiction has strengthened my resolve and has made me realize that I don't need my wife to live or to be happy, but that as long as I might make a positive influence on her or even possibly "with" her, then I should try. Besides, through all those years of drug addiction, sometimes the only thing I had left to hang onto was the fact that someone in this world believed in me and would never give up on me unless I gave up on myself, and that really hits home with my wife. If she's not ready to give up, then neither am I. But as soon as she says, "I quit", then I know that there is no use sticking around to wait for the walls to come down around us....

I have smoked just about everything you can smoke (even a dead roach killed with RAID once, that is actually a rather terrible story behind it believe it or not), snorted just about everything you can snort (money problems saved my life with this method of drug delivery to the body), and swallowed just about anything you can swallow (I know for a fact that I can swallow as many pills as can fit into my hand on the first try......uh huh, it got bad for a while). I really never had a favorite or a drug of choice, it was pretty much first come, first serve, and I was never too choosy. Cocaine was fun but never lasted long enough, pot was cool but got old too fast, and pills were great but there were never enough....so I really can't choose a favorite. I will say this though, never, ever, under any kind of circumstance, smoke crack. Most people don't need to hear that, but just in case the opportunity comes along and someone makes it seem not so bad....DON'T DO IT, please! Anyways, as long as I was coherent enough to put it into my body, then it was good enough for me. I never tried suicide or thought that I was subconciously trying to die, but I wasn't scared of dying either and I knew that what I was doing was cheating death, at times, far too close and too often. I did stop using drugs when I joined the military, but I just substituted alcohol in the place of drugs and had a few years of battling with that before finding AA with a buddy of mine. Now I've been clean and sober for over two years and I love the life I have. The twelve steps are good, but I know there are other ways to get sober and clean, but for most people it's the only way. The kind of will it takes to get sober and clean without the twelve steps is not found usually in the people who find themselves in programs like AA, NA, SA or any of the rest.

Does that answer your quesitons? I hope I was helpful and if there is anything else you wanna know, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck again and don't worry, we are all with you!

STzenn
"How did she come to decide to pursue this? Was it based on anything you said or did? If she made the decision on her own, what made her realize the need for it?"

When she confronted me on the issue of her cheating on me, the BPD talk came soon after. She admitted she needed help and this was not going to just "get resolved" with regular-old marriage counseling. Turns out she had BPD therapy several years ago while she was still in the Navy. She got out of it halfway through and regressed pretty quickly......apparently. I did push very hard for her to go to therapy because as I made it clear to her, I will not stay if we aren't ACTING towards a positive goal for us. It is stupid of me to think that she will resolve a conflict she admits no power to control on her own. I am a drug addict and an alcoholic and I know......NO ONE does it on their own, nobody. So yes, I pushed for ACTION, because no amount of talking was doing the job for me or her. She is highly intelligent, as I believe most people with BPD are, so she knew she needed help, although rarely admitted it or believed it for that matter. We spent days talking about whether or not she "really had BPD, or if it was just something else". I didn't necessarily believe it myself, I just know that doing something is better than doing nothing....and therapy of any sort that helps you figure out who you are and what you want in life is a positive direction for anyone, whatever form that therapy comes in. I also know this, when a person is ready to change themselves or their life, they will not let anything in this world stop them from achieving that goal. This is our lives and we have to live it the best way we can, that includes doing everything in our power to find out who we are so we can live the best way we possibly can. Good question Lori, and thank you for all your kind words.

STzenn
Thank you so much for telling your story, Nakita. I appreciate your honesty and your strength. Of course your story is helping, every bit helps when it comes to helping people. From what I have learned, you are quite right, BPD is much like alcohol or drug addiction in that it is a lifelong disease, no cures, no magic pills.....it requires a totally different design for living to be in recovery. It is hard sometimes for me to hear of the hell that BPD'ers go through, the confusion, the obsession, the pain, the web that gets woven around and around all the little pieces in your world....very difficult. I admire the strength that you and others have shown in taking the necessary steps to begin and practice a life of recovery. And thank you again for sharing YOUR story, Nakita.

Our stories are similar, only it was my wife, suffering from BPD, who was cheating and "masking it" behind friendship and loyalty and history. I got the "this is how it's always been" speech many, many times before I said "Enough!". My wife basically had to come to a breaking point in her life before she could admit the truth, and it is only the beginning. I is truly unfortunate that you had to endure that relationship while in the "pit of hell" with your struggle with BPD, but it appears that you do have some very special people in your life that you have found because of it. I have heard, "You have to go through hell to get to heaven", and sometimes, I find it to be true. I know I have not seen the end of this road in my own life, as I am sure you get reminded of the same in yours....but in a way, we are the lucky ones, because of the simple fact that we know now....at least we know. Sometimes that is a curse, I feel, because it forces me to keep that realistic view of what is possible and the pain that can be caused so easily in my relationship with my wife. But at least we know, and in the end, that has always been the beginning of a lifelong lesson in living for me.

So I guess we ALL have anger, pain, sorrow, and shame that rises up at times to remind us of what is real in our lives, and to show us that we are human. I am glad to hear of the high level of acceptance your life enjoys now, and I wish you the very best. I know I need all the help I can get, and every story, vote of confidence, and sucess I hear about builds that level of knowledge I can draw on to help me do what I know I should do. If not for the future, then just for today. Sometimes, that is all I can do, is just make it through the day, just today. And you know what, if that is the best I can do, then that is okay for me. Thank you again, Nakita. Stay strong, we are all with you.

STzenn





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