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Nondescript,

First of all, congrats on recognizing that you have a problem. And again, congrats on being in therapy.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to you, but I'm here now.

In case you haven't read any of my previous posts, I was diagnosed with BPD when I was a teenager. I am now 42. I am in recovery.

I don't believe that a borderline can totally recover anymore than I believe that an alcoholic can start drinking again and not be an alcoholic. But you can get better. You can have a normal and productive life. You are already taking steps to accomplish that.


[COLOR=Red]"I felt embarrassed, alone, and most of all, unheard. So, I internalized my rage and hurt and fear, and poured my heart into dance classes, school, and making people laugh."[/COLOR] I felt exactly the same way. Although I did not have dance classes, I still try my best to make people laugh.

[COLOR=Red]"a man came into my life. I tried to get out of it before it got too complicated, but I couldn't. I couldn't not love this man. He was everything I've ever wanted, down to the most minute detail. And so now, here I am, with a second chance to change everything, and I am more scared than I have ever been."[/COLOR] Of course you are scared. You would not be on your way to recovery if you were not.

[COLOR=Red]"I want so badly to be good to him, to feel secure in his love for me, to be able to show him how deeply I care for him. I want to prove that I am not crazy, that I'm not going to ruin his life, that I will never hurt him. The problem is that I am still so unsure of myself."[/COLOR]
It sounds like you have a wonderful man in your life. You have done all the right things. You cannot prove to him that you will never hurt him. I understand that you want to never hurt him, but no one can say that they won't hurt someone. You can say that you won't intentionally try to hurt him, but saying that is very risky with BPD.

It sounds as if he loves you, I mean really loves you. He's knows about the BPD, he's reading the books, he's still with you. He hasn't run away. AND YOU ARE TRYING TO GET BETTER. Let him help you, by loving you.

[COLOR=Red]" I've heard that healing borderline personality disorder is a very difficult and painful thing. You have to revisit all of your old pain and deal with it head on. Ignoring the feelings works only for a short time. I am past the first hump- I readily admit that I'm sick, and I want to be better. But there is a lot of work to be done, and it will take time and living well to heal myself. It's not something you can just snap out of, it's a mental illness- a personality disorder that took years and years to create. There's no immediate cure."
[/COLOR] You are so right, there is no immediate cure and it will take time to get better.

You have the intelligence and the desire to help yourself. You have a wonderful man who loves you and is standing by you. You must be easier on yourself. You are doing all the right things. You will not always get it right, you will backslide, you will have setbacks, you will get better. The periods of not having problems will get longer and longer.

The key to maintaining a relationship,is communication: open and honest.

I have a wonderful husband, we've been married for 2 1/2 years and we've been together for over five years. When I first met Larry, it was over the internet. We communicated for a few weeks that way, and then I allowed him to phone me. That first phone call lasted 6 1/2 hours!. The second one was longer. After a few weeks, I worked up the courage to meet him in person. I didn't know what he looked like, I didn't care. I already loved him.

I told him, during one of our phone calls, about me being borderline. I told him that I would understand if he wanted to back out or just be friends only. He did some research, and then even more research. I was more honest with Larry than I have ever been with anyone in my life, and this was BEFORE I met him. After we met, I continued being honest with him.... I still am.

I was scared that I would lose him because of the BPD, he was scared that I would lose interest in him because he is a large man.

I would love to tell you that everything has been wonderful and full of happy times since we've been together, but I cannot. We've had our share of problems.

Once, during a borderline episode, I threw him out. We were separated for two months. I saw someone else during that time. Larry didn't give up, he called him, he wrote me, he emailed me. Not to beg me to take him back, but just to let me know that he loved me and was waiting until I was ready again. He reminded me of how we were together. Of how we would go to Walmart and dance in the aisles, he even got one of his friends who worked security at the store to copy the video and send me a copy. He reminded me that we would go for walks in the snow after midnight. Of how happy I was when I was with him. He didn't pressure me, he just consistently let me know that he loved me.

After my episode was over and I came back to my senses, Larry never brought it up again. He never accused me of cheating on him, he never reminded me that I did cheat on him. We weren't married yet, but we were engaged when this happened. He just loved me.

He loves me still. We talked and talked and we think we figured out most of my triggers for an episode. The Thanksgiving thru New Year's holiday time is very difficult for me, although I have no idea why. Larry and I successfully avoided another episode recently by having open and honest communication. I can tell him anything and everything.

My point is, even as long-winded as it is, that you can do it! YOU can get better, you can have a happy loving life. YOU can have your Christian marriage and children.

I'll be here...

Lauralee





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