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Personality Disorder Message Board

Personality Disorder Board Index

i hvnt bin doagnosed cos im terrified to do to the doc-i tell myself ill go nxt week but thats gone on for 4 yrs 18 and have hidden deep deep depression, self harm in many ways, eating issues-bordering on disorder,ocd like symptoms and intrusive thoughts and images, massive anxiety, i hate my body and have hidden quite a few secrets from every1. no1 knows any of this, ive kept it and dont intend on telling ne1 but u people or a doctor.

neway, ive done my research on loads of mental ilnesses trying to c what fits me and how it can be helped urself-most of the time tho to no sorta numb now, i still have the thoughts but i feel nothing nemore-so its doesnt seem to be as big a problem now.but i still wud love to be normal.

c i get mood swings. not just teengae mood swings, like i get up i usually feel fine(sutimes tho i get angry if sum1 comes in the same room as me, or talks to me, or comes to close to me-i keep it quiet and leave the room, i feel like im going to explode tho or just pass out with anger). i can get so angry at my family over stupid things, i end up screaming hysterically in their face, throwing things, kicking things-im too old to be doing this but i have no control,its like i forget myself and just do not care about ne1 else wen im in a rage.i know im wrong but i dont care at the time.

then i get severaly depressed. i dnt wana talk, go out, either eat to much or not enuff, im irratable, think of suicide, i used to cut, everything is hopless and im alone.i dnt really sleep or i sleep to much. but i pull thru cos i know that altho it take a while but my mood will change.

then i have my absoloutley crazy moods. this only lasts and hour not even perhaps maybe an aftrenoon if im lucky.i act soo imature its embarressing and i look stupid. i talk way to fast that no1 can understand a word im saying. i talk absoloute random rubbish from nowhere, anything in this world just pops into my head and flows out without stopping to think, i laff uncontrolably, i cant sit still, im bouncing all over the place, i feel great, invincable, im a very very shy person(like very socially anxious) but in this mood i will talk to any1 in the world about neting, i have no shame, im very touchy feey which i usually hate.i get alot of ideas for my art then too, i convince myself i was always fine, im happy now and that nuthing is wrong with me. but then i either just go numb again or really low. its like this 50% of the time-numb 25%-depressed 25%-exstatic

what im asking is, ive researched cyclothmyia a while ago and from what i remember it was like a rapid cycling bipolar. i fitted alot of symptms, most of them actually, i just was familiar to them.but with the numbmess now i dont know, its thrown me off a bit as i get less of these sever depression and a few of loopy moods-but numbness is taking over now. also, i have had to 2 major depression periods were i almost commited suicide in one by myself. but that was 2 yrs ago now. ive never gone that low for that long again(two/3 months each i was a complete zombie), now it just comes for an afternoon or even an hour or two at a time.

sorry this was long, i try to eat healthy now, i exercise alot, i go out even wen i dont feel like it with freinds. i try everything to help but sumtimes it just wont work. the thoguhts r always there, i ahvea very negative outlook but i dont tell people what i really think, i lie about it so as not to be a misery guts and make every1 miserable-im not myself to people and im finding it hard now to get a job cos its too much energy to be enthudastic all the time and im socially awkawrd(never had a proper boyfreind-altho i was sexually abused for a while wen i was little). thanx plz help -what does it sound like to u? xox

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