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Personality Disorder Message Board

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Hi Everyone,

I want to start off by saying how wonderful you all are, and that I thank God for this chat site. My name is Karen and have been battling with depression since I was a child, and now I just got diagnosed with BPD. I am thankful in one aspect that I finally know what is wrong with me but I am so scared, and have been living through hell, and I am now putting my boyfriend through hell as well. He is loving and so supportive, but, by the same token, is angry and frustrated by my outbursts/episodes. When he would flirt, and make comments in the past about pretty women (I know, a lot of men, and women, do this), however, I keep thinking he doesn't love me, doesn't think I am pretty enough for him, not good enough sexually, and that he would rather be with someone different. He assures me over and over, that he loves me, he doesn't want anyone else, that I am pretty, sexy, etc and that he isn't going anywhere. He has said that he feels that I have been pushing him away, because what he says hasn't been sinking in, I just have these dark images constantly in my head, of him cheating, desiring someone else, being intimite with someone else, and he is getting frustrated at me (rightfully so). I am even ashamed to be out in public, because even when I am alone and a pretty girl is around, these thoughts of 'if he saw her, he would rather be with her'. I hate living like this, and I am getting help. How long does it take to get better?

I go to a psychologist once a week, and my boyfriend went with me last week, and the therapist saw how I was acting, and told me to imagine a stop sign when I get these thoughts, and back off from constantly asking my b/f these things.

I also went to a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me with the BPD, and wants to start me on 5 mg of Abilify and Pristiq (50 mg), then eventually wants to add Lithium on top. I have taken meds in the past (prozac, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, cimbalta), but I haven't been on anything for almost 2 years. Now my episodes started back up around springnof this year. I am so scared of ever losing him, and pushing him away. How do I learn to trust, and hear his words?

He has been reading alot on this disorder with me, and although he tries to understand, it is hard for him. Now I feel that he wants to distance himself. But I love him, and I want to make him happy again. I feel so guilty and horrible.

How do I not do this behavior? Also, do I have to go onto Meds again? The dr. said I will have to be on them for a long time, maybe life?

Thanks everyone.
Hi Waratah,

Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post. Your kindness means so much to me! I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed to my boyfriend, my family, his family, etc. It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have this condition. But, I know that with proper help, support, and love, I will get better. Also, reading your posts, and the other people's posts, I feel I have made some lifelong friends as well, thank you! :)

When I read about the symtoms and how people with BPD act, I fit into these to a T except for the cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts. If something sets me off, I will go into a panic, start crying, and obsess by asking him/them over and over, are you sure I am a good person, are you sure you don't want to be with anyone else, are you sure I do it for you, are you sure I am pretty enough for you, etc.. I have always had low self esteem, even as a child, and always felt worthless. The only time I felt I was 'good' was while having sex. I say to my boyfriend, that is where i 'Shine'. Don't get me wrong, I love sex (in our case making love), because of the love/emotional/spiritual connection we experience with one another as well as the physical connection. But..then I always ask afterward, 'was I good enough? Did i look okay?, etc.. It's so horrible that I have these thoughts. I also lack confidence in day to day things. I got my first guitar when I was 12 and I took guitar lessons. Well, I didn't keep up with them, or practice, because I wasn't sounding good yet, and even though you must practice to become good, I was too embarrassed and scared, even in front of my guitar instructor. However, I still have guitars this day, and basses, and I hope to goodness, I will start practicing, because even with this condition, my dream is to be in a band, and shine there too ;)

Another question I have is if I do have to go onto meds, do you know how long people in general will have to be on them? Also, is anyone familiar with taking Lithium? I know the 'shrink' said I may have to go on it in the near future. How do they make you feel, and also, are there side effects?

With any meds, I don't want to gain weight, or lose my sex drive.
Thanks everyone!


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