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Relationship Health Message Board

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As a male, maybe I can provide a little insight. Disclaimer, I have never been married and my longest relationship lasted 3 months, however this is due to the fact that I am exceptional at reading people and figuring them out. This allows me to save a lot of time by not investing time into relationships I know won't work out.

Now, you provide little details as to your husband's personality so I won't be able to give you a definitive answer so instead I will guide you through my thought process as to how I will evaluate that situation.

Let's go back to the very beginning and let's ask a very simple question: why? People, in general, don't change unless some outside stimulus forces them to. This outside stimulus can either be an abrupt, shocking force (such as a near death experience, trauma, etc) or an rolling wave that slowly eats away at the shoreline (such as a nagging wife). At some point a breaking point is reached. Unfortunately for most of us when it comes to the latter example, we are so centered on ourselves and making ourselves happy that we don't notice the effect our actions have on others until they snap.

I am probably much younger than you (I'm 25), but if there is one thing I am sure of is that jealousy absolutely slaughters relationships sooner or later. It just depends on how much tolerance the other person has. Some have much more tolerance for it than others but believe me, given enough time, that breaking point will be reached.

Jealousy is a complicated emotion that stems generally from two places:
1) You are an insecure person and lack natural confidence and thus feel like you have to constantly be on guard lest you lose your spouse (to someone else maybe?)
2) Your spouse is actually giving solid indication that he is not faithful which raises your guard

Unfortunately, if you are in situation #1, you will not be in a position to accurately determine what "solid indication" is, and will tend to blow anything that he does that may be remotely "suspicious" way out of proportion. Now, I may be wrong but this is what I would bet my money on that is happening.

Men do not understand women. Sad but true. So when a man sees what he thinks is a woman's completely irrational reaction to something he considers inconsequential and utterly a non-issue (such as not holding hands while walking with you), his mind explodes into the only emotion he is comfortable showing: anger. Anger at you for getting mad at him for something that he thinks is stupid.

Now, me personally, I absolutely hate it if I am in a relationship with someone that get jealous. It was the reason I broke up with my first gf. I am the type of guy that would never cheat. My sense of morality is too ingrained in my being. If I'm in a relationship with someone that doesn't trust me, that's one of the most hurtful feelings there is. You are telling him to his face "I don't trust you" every time you get jealous.

You are enacting changes which is good and commendable, even if it may be out of desperation (your shocking force in this case was the divorce threat), but keep in mind that if you really want to make this work, you are really going to have to step out of your shoes and if something similar happens again, before you react negatively think to yourself "is this really worth it"?

Drops of water falling on a rock will, with time, bore a hole right through the solid stone. Sometimes you gotta lose the battle to win the war. Now the question is are you willing to do that?

As to the question in the title, the answer is no. Do not get upset. Tell him that you understand why he's upset (use my example above) and that you know that you are overreacting. Explain to him why you overreact (maybe you were cheated on in the past and that's why you have trust issues?). Try to explain CALMLY (DO NOT FIGHT!) why you said what you said. (DO NOT TRY TO WIN! THIS IS NOT AN ARGUMENT. SUPER IMPORTANT!) Assume responsibility for your actions and apologize accordingly.

Hope I was of help in offering a different perspective.

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