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I get very insecure, and I think I have low self confidence. Not really about me- I'm happy with myself. I'm pretty good looking, have a great job, my own house... but I have a problem, always wondering what other people think of me. My boyfriends mom, for example- she's GREAT! In 6 years, never, ever said a bad thing to me. I'm always invited with them to go on vacations, I was invited to live with them for a couple years while I was in school, which I did (and still am). But I always wonder if secretly she doesnt like me- am I good enough for her son? Does she hate that I don't help out enough? That kind of thing. Does she wish I would break up with him and never have to see me again?:) Silly things like that. I know they aren't true, but a part of me doubts.

I also have these thoughts about my boyfriend- like maybe he's staying with me because it's easier than finding someone else. He can be critical sometimes- never verbally abusive, but he'll make a comment on the littlest thing and I take it to mean he hates me. I get over it eventually, but I can't even take the littlest comment- I get so upset. Not to him- I don't yell or cry, but I think about it and obsess over it all day.

I think it was my mother- she was very critical about everything, and drives me crazy. She was never happy with anything we did. I think she's a little bit psychotic. I can't go into detail about all the stuff she's done, but she has issues. The day my dad died, I couldnt stop crying- i dont think she liked the attention he was getting (they'd been divorced a few years, didnt get along- he lived a couple states away so I hadn't seen him in awhile). So the same day, she tells me she's HIV positive. She works in a hospital and contracted it from there. This was awhile ago, and I'm pretty sure now she's lying. She's done it before- for almost a year, right after she broke up with my dad, she pretty much didnt get out of bed. She'd say how sick she was. She'd walk around the house, yelling at us, about how we didn't help out- she's dying- she's so tired and we don't even care- spitting mad. The someone would come over to see her, and she's acting like she can barely walk or whisper. It was such as act. So yeah, I'm pretty sure she was faking the HIV thing. She's not even on meds, and doesnt bring it up anymore. I can't believe she would do that, right when I found out my dad had died. She also told me all this stuff about him when they split up. It was a nasty divorce, but geez- I was just a kid.

I guess thats kind of beside the issue, but its a bit of a background. The thing is, living with my bf's parents, a NORMAL family, should have given me more confidence, right? They're great people, and I feel comfortable here- but after 6 years, I still can't sit on the couch on a saturday afternoon, cause I think she'll hate me. frequently, my mother would yell at me to stop being lazy, if I spent a couple hours reading- then she'd glare at me and pout, kinf od ignore me all day if i said something wrong. - the BF's mom hasn't said a word. And she has kids, older than me, who do worse- they sleep in until all hours of the afternoon, and she doesnt mind :) So why am I so worried that she doesnt like me?? Why am I so insecure, and how can I get over it?

If you're still reading this, I'm amazed, but thank you! Also- I now have a pretty decent relationship with my mom. We talk at least twice a week. Usually she complains about my brothers, how she can't do anything about them. Or how she never has any money- but I can tune it out. I care, but its her life. i've tried helping so many times- gettign her better jobs, helping her find places.... there's not much else I can do. I have to live my own life.





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