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OK, guys it has been a long time since I have been on here. Mainly on the lyme boards but a few questions here in the past. Let me start this long story and need advice cuz this man is driving me crazy ;)

I left my husband in Dec after a 20 year bad marriage. There was a lot of physical abuse. I have had my head split open requiring stitches on top and under skin from being pushed into a door, sticthes in forehead from having a pan thrown at me, broken nose from being elbowed, and now have a screw in my wrist and an anchor inthe top of my hand from being broke and a ligament coming completely unattached. Good news is I finally had enough and got out!!!!!

Bad news, my kids seen this for all of there lives. Any my son suffered some also. End result was my daughter moved out when she turned 18 even though she had numerous illnesses, she worked 3 jobs and still completed her senior year.:) My now 16 year old son started running away last August. The first time he went to his granddads (my dad). This was the first time any one talked about the abuse and once it was out there was no way to deny it anymore. Well he returned home, a social worker got involved but because there was no current abuse he was able to return home. My ex said he would change and tried to for the most part but he is bipolar and BPD so that pretty much says a lot. The next time he got real mad he yelled at my son adn when my son had the chance he booked. My ex did not touch him but just the fear of his voice was enough and I understood that. So i reported him missing again and this incredible cop came into our lives.

This man went above and beyond trying to find my son. THe next day he did, called me to the school and then talked to me about everything. My son had told him some of the basics ( I really do not know what was said but apparently he knew there was abuse). He told me he was worried about us and did not want to come out for a call that could not be undone. He also asked my son to leave the room and told me that the reason he became an officer was because his mom was abused by his stepdad and he wanted to make a difference. He asked me if I needed help and I told him no, I could do it, he asked if he could come by occassionaly and check on us and of course i said yes. Well as soon as i got home i went in the backyard and son booked again so i had to call cop right back. We both rode around looking for him. Found him agian next day and this time he was ok for 2 days. Then he ran away again. My new cop friend was trying to deal with my neighbor who had stabbed himself but after his shift ended he stayed on looking for my son for 3 hour in the pouring down rain and found him again. Come to find out my son also is bipolar.

Skip forward, I finally told my husband I was tired of being miserable, that i only stayed to keep my family together because i had been told i would be a homewrecker. But end result were kids were more screwed up than we were. He agreed and since i did it under his terms meaning he thought he was in control of helping, I was able to get my own place, my name, my stuff my life. I took hardly anything from the house. I do not want to hear later that i only made it cuz he helped me. THis was Dec. He wanted me to wait for xmas but i could not wait anymore.

I told our cop friend that we would be leaving my husband and wanted him to do a drop by the weekend we were moving just to make sure things were ok. He said he would but we ended up doing it sooner and he was off. He still stayed in contact with my son. Even asked him to do a ride along but the caption said no because with him being a runaway he could be a liabilty if they make him get out for a dangerous call.

Now at this point, I know I have a high level of attraction for this man. He changed my input in the system cuz I felt like someone cared (oh did i mention my ex had shot up someone vehicles about 10 years ago in public and charges were dropped. he got charged with nothing so you can see why i think the system sucks). And my attraction for him is when i also realized i had no love for my ex and did not know why i was still there. I am not dependent on him. I make excellent money but cough it all over every week for bills, I have my own vehicle in my own name, my own credit, etc. I have never ever felt an attraction for any man during my 20 years together. I would find someone to be cute but to actually think about them all the time i knew it was done.

So after a couple of months i felt like i was going to put it out there. nothing to loose at this point. So the middle of March i called his voice mail to tell him that my son got denied the ride along and that I was pretty disappointed myself because i was hoping to see him again soon, i went on to say so maybe we can get together but was cut out of the message so have no idea what he really heard. I had told him the house number too if he wanted to call. Well the next day i was sick and went home early to find the phone ringing at lunch. I answered and it was him. He said he was just checking on my son and asked exactly where did we move (still his beat though just couple of miles away). We talked briefly and hung up. Then i wondered did he call in hopes of leaving a message on the machine. Well nothing for a couple of weeks until i came out of the conveience store to fnd him parked behind my truck. He was much different that before. Normally he tries to be such the hard cop and hardly cracks a smile but this time all smiles, asked me how i was doing with the seperation, told me i looked happy, etc. He kept looking at me and then would have to look away. So we ended it with, he told me to keep waving when i would see him, i told him definately.

Oh, the police substation is in the entrance of my development so I see him more than ever. well next week i am now finding reasons to hang out in the area. Well i was there with the boys and he came out and seen us. He was talking to my boys and another group came (kids love him, all the kids in the area all ages talk about him all the time) and the whole time he was talking to them he kept looking at me smiling. I had to walk away and my oldest (that he is friends with) said he watched me the whole way. ;) Well about another week later I had enough, I met my friend for lunch in the shopping center and was determined i was going to find out if he was single. So when he came out I went up to him and just asked. I made him drop his water bottle. LOL, he told me yes he was, we made a few jokes about me hanging out there a lot and I told him i was an obessessed stalker. He did tell me he did not thikn i was that bad. So i said by and left. Well when my friend and I came out from lunch he was still in parking lot and pulled up to us, he apologized to me (in front of her) said i had caught him off guard and we would definately talk about it later.

Two days later we ran into each other again, he informed me that he hated when my son got into trouble but looked forward to being able to see me during the calls, said he thought i was a very hot lady but we have a conflict of interest, then said it was my son, he said he likes my son a lot and does not want to ruin there friendship. I told him if that is what he wanted I would understand because it means a lot to me to know someone cares like that. I told him though that my son was actually encouraging this. He said he would need to talk to him. Then commented on it was now the time where i was suppose to walk away and he could not watch because I leave him flustered and he does not like to be like that.

So the next week I called his voice mail and told him Iwould be in the area at lunch time (gave him exact time) in case he wanted to run into me. Well i heard from another cop that he got called to special training so i stayed at work. Come to find out we had a shooting in the area the night before and he was called back to duty to investiage and i heard from a friend that he went into our lunch place at the time iwas suppose to be there, waited a few and then left. So i felt like i stood him up. Two days later I called and left another message saying i was sorry for the misunderstand and to make it easier he should just straight up meet me the next monday for lunch. By that afternoon he called me back to tell me he was sorry but would not be able to, said that they have him working around the clokc on this shooting. And he did not know when he would be avaialbe but was sure we would run into each other. So as my heart sank i said ok. Well he was not lying, they took him off regular duty and put him in criminal investigations in another part of the county. He was there for 4 weeks and just came back monday. During the 4 weeks he did run into my boys when he was asking the local kids if they heard anyting yet and then told my oldest in front of all the kids to make sure he told me he said hi. then 2 weeks ago there were several cops speeding down the road after someone and when i looked to cross the street he was one of them and went way out of his way to wave.

Well I did not know he was back monday and when my friend and i were walking he and about 5 other cops came out of station. He was walking to his car and when he seen me on the sidewalk he came back to talk. told me he was back and would of been better if the case would of been solved. As my friend talked a lot about the case we just sort of stood smiling at each other. Then his partner was waiting so he told me he would see me later. Friday I said enough and left another message. I said to myself this is the last one and I was giving him until the end of weekend and going to try and get him out of my system. Well in the message i said it was nice seeing him but would love to be able to really talk to him without someone being around, told him he should give me a call or stop by or hey, we should just get together. Well he was off till Friday. Friday did not hear anything. Saturday I was walking (I have been trying to walk more and more cuz going to do a 12 mile walk for my daughter) and when i came out of store in station area i could see him out of the corner of my eye but I was determined not to run up to him, figured let him come to me this time, so i crossed the street and went on with my plans. When i circled he was still inside, i guess having his lunch break so i went on home. Later on i took my next walk and into it, i heard a car flying up, well it was him, he was coming off a side street onto main street and when he looked to the left and seen me, he stopped so i had to go up to him he was blocking the street. He asked me if i was getting enought exercise, i told him yeah and that i had walked 7 miles total, he said i did not need all that cuz i look good already. He told me he really does not know my exact address so I told him (so i would assume he heard the message), he asked me how my son was and i assured him he was great, even told him how my son tried to get me to go up to a patrol car and talk cuz he thought it was him but it wasnt. he laughed at that. He said he really need to go to an alarm but would see me later and off he went. Then today when i was walking he literally ran out of substation with two other cops. He seen me and asked me what i was up to as he was running. I said headed home, done with my walk and he said ok, see ya later and took off.

My question is WTH!!!!! Am I crazy to think this is going anywhere. He is definately single. He is also very much into his career. He has already been promoted and received several awards. All the kids and people are here love him to death. I have never ever felt this comfortable talking to anyone. the flirting just happens and is so easy and casual and I have never ever ever felt this attraction for anyone. Oh, I ended that message the other day with sorry not trying to be pushy but I wasted a lot of time in my life and now just going for what i want. So it is obvious what i want. Now if he continues to flirt is he interested or jsut an ass. Is he just giving me space in case i decide to go back to the ex cuz I am sure he sees this every day. I am just so stuck. I know if i run into him again i am asking no matter who is around is this going anywhere or is the conflict of interest thing going to remain an issue.

Any advice, any feelings on this. Oh, and I am 38 and he just turned 33.

Thanks and sorry for so long. Had a lot to say!!





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