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A little bit of background information: I was hurt badly in my last few relationships: one cheated on me; one who had me on an emotional leash, keeping me close one minute, then letting me loose another (whom I later found out, he actually had a girlfriend the entire time we were 'together', and I wasn't even aware); and one who was still in love with his ex. I started thinking that all men were disgusting, that there was something inherently wrong with me, and that maybe I just wasn't meant for love.

Flash forward: I met my boyfriend after yet another terrible relationship. It only took one minute for him to change my life; he came up to my table, asked me why I was sitting alone, while everyone around me was partying, and asked if he could keep me company, even for just 15 minutes (because he was actually working). We talked, and something just felt different.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We met, dated, and fell in love in less than 4 months - the relationship just felt so right, and so good. We've been inseparable since our very first date. He's given me more respect, honesty, and trust (both ways) than any of my other relationships. We hardly ever fight, and when we do, he's just so willing to talk things out. I'm usually very guarded about my emotions; I won't talk about my issues and will let them fester until I eventually blow up. What he's given me, is the ability to talk openly about how I feel, even if it means hours of listening and frustration on his part. He supports me in every way. He doesn't have much, but he gives me what I can and I love him all the more for that. Despite some human flaws, which we all have, my boyfriend is what I would call perfect. So, you ask: [I]what exactly is the problem, then?[/I]

I have an underlying fear of rejection. I constant have this fear that he's going to screw it all up; that he's going to fall in love with someone else; that he's going to cheat on me; that he's going to wake up one day, and realize that he doesn't want me; that his ex(es) will somehow make it back into the picture. And there will be times where I'll hear a story about an unfaithful person and I'll project all my insecurities about that cheater onto my boyfriend, believing that one day, he'll do the same, and he hasn't so much as even touched a girl since we started dating. Oddly enough, this feeling only happens when we're physically apart. Because when I'm with him, I feel extremely safe and loved. In the back of my mind, I really don't think he'd cheat on me, because he's never given me any reason to think otherwise. But my paranoia, it won't go away and I can't will it to.

But the funny thing: I'm the cheater. Some of my friends tell me that it was meaningless and it's small in the grand scheme of things, but, yesterday, I accidentally kissed (not making out, but a peck that lasted 30 seconds, at least) another guy (whom I've been friends with for over 10 years, and I am not attracted to in any sense) while extremely intoxicated. It was dumb. My boyfriend and I had gotten into a small argument before I went out with my friends; I was dancing with my friend, we were both drunk, I was thinking of my boyfriend and how much I wanted to be dancing with him and how much I wanted to kiss him, and then...I accidentally kissed my friend. I knew, the minute it happened, it was terrible. How paradoxical: I'm constantly waiting for my boyfriend to screw up, and I'm the one who screws up. I felt so terrible that I came home bawling and confessed to the small kiss, telling him that he should be angry with me, how it was all my fault, how disgusting I was, and how I didn't deserve him. And you know what he did? He told me to stop being upset, because seeing me upset hurts him too much. Obviously, he told me that he wasn't happy with it and there is a breach of trust, but that he wasn't willing to break up with me over it, because I admitted to it and I was self-flagellating myself enough for the both of us. But, this wasn't the first time this happened. The day he asked for commitment, I was so scared that I went out with my friends, got stupid drunk and kissed a stranger. I felt terrible then, and I also admitted it. 5 minutes after it happened. I've never slept with those two or anywhere near it, nor have I taken things any further than that small kiss. But, really, what the hell is wrong with me? I hate admitting this to you all, strangers whom I'm scared will judge me and tell me how terrible I am. But I feel in order for me to truly get some advice and help, I would have to divulge all my dirty secrets.

I don't like victimizing myself. But I'm scared and vulnerable. This is the most in love I've ever been and I'm scared to think that I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage my relationship in order to validate what I feel in the inside: unworthy of love. I constantly feel that losing him will make my world shatter. Yes, we've all become a broken from past relationships, but the best of us are able to pick themselves up and make changes for the positive. My fear is that I'm falling down this dark, negative spiral - I want to change. I want to be the person worthy of having my boyfriend, who is so great to me, I can't even understand it.

So.......feedback?





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