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Sexual Health - General Message Board


Sexual Health - General Board Index


Husband and sex
Dec 8, 2003
hi people
i have never posted on one of these boards before. i am 27 years old, married to a 25 year old with a 2 year old daughter. i was diagnosed with bp2 and bpdnos. i used to take medication, but it never really helped. and i have a problem. i go into frequent mini-rages where i yell, throw things, and bite myself. that seems normal, it has happened for a while. other people don't know about this, only my daughter who i am alone with all day long, and every once in a while my husband. i yell at my daughter sometimes, i bite myself hard. it is an impulse that i cannot control. i feel bad everytime i do it, and i always swear to myself that i can't do this anymore. my daughter should not learn this type of behaviour.
now, i've been having problems with my husband and sex. when we first met, about years ago, i was sex crazed. we would have sex 3 times a day. bang against the headboards. a quickie during lunch. i remember having problems having orgasms. i masturbated in front of him. he of course loved all this. he is a very sexual person. during the time when i was like that, i was on medication which made me be aroused, but not achieve orgasm. i took myself off the medication. i was extremely attracted to him at that time. now i am married to him, and i am no longer the same person. by the way, i let myself get pregnant before we got married. that is why we got married. i did not feel comfortable getting married to him, i don't think i loved him. i was scared.
now i am having problems with sex. i don't like it when he touches me. it does not feel good. it disgusts me when he kisses me. i get offended when he makes advances towards me. i can have sex with him, but i am not there. i can have an orgasm, but it is mechanical. i do it because i feel obligated, and i feel sorry for him. i don't know what happened. lately my husband has been getting mad at me for not wanting to have sex with him. he gets mad when i turn him down. last night he tried to make the moves on me while we were in bed. he was getting on top of me and started to kiss me. i feel disgusted. it does not feel right. i don't want him touching me like this. he is not the right person. i actually tell him that i can't do this. i usually never say anything like that to him. i usually just make excuses, like i am tired or something. he gets mad at me and turns over. he mumbles something about being my husband, and that he can't even have sex with his own wife. i feel like crap, guilty. after a few minutes ( i have my back turned to him), he starts entering me from behind and having intercourse with me. i do not want him to. i feel ashamed, i feel offended, i feel scared. i tense up. he continues to do his thing. it feels like i am just a hole for him to pleasure himself. after a while it starts to feel good, because he is hitting all the right places. i get very wet. i feel confused. i know i don't want this. he goes faster and faster, like the men do in the pornos. i end up having an orgasm. i feel ashamed. i did not want it to feel good. i wanted to let him know i did not appreciate him just having sex with me, when i did not want it. but i could not. i did not say anything to him. i was silent the whole time. my daughter was beside me in bed, sleeping. i felt guilty. he slams into me faster and faster and then eventually comes. i fall asleep. i wake up later that night. i feel my husband rubbing up against me again, trying to enter me. i feel wet. i tell him i don't want to have sex right now. he says i am wet. i say, sometimes that happens, i can't control it, but it doesn't mean i want to have sex. he gets mad. he says, what if i make you, you liked it earlier. i dont want to. he gets up and stormes out of the room. he comes in again to get a blanket and grumbles somehing else. at one point he just grabs my crotch, he asks me something about who it is wet for and says he is going to have to find himself someone else to ****. i get up to go to the bathroom, and find out i have my period. the wetness he and i felt was blood. on the way back to the bedroom i yell at him, saying i know why i was wet, i have my period. he says nothing and ends up sleeping in the living room and left for work this morning. he has been getting upset at my lack of sexual interest. i don't know why i have this problem. i used to have sex with him. the weird thing is, i don't really have any memories of this. i just know from him telling me. i thing the medication i was one, had wiped out the memory. i think i am not attracted to him. he is extrememely attracted to me. i always feel like he just wants to use my body for sex. i don't feel close to him. he has cheated on me once, while we were apart. he slept with a waitress at his job. he says i can trust him not to do it again, he hasn't (he works all the time). but now, that i can't give him what he wants. i can't trust him. i can't leave him, because i have a 2 year old daughter, and i'm trying to put myself through college part-time. he has no degree. we both started smoking pot. he smokes all the time. he used to drink, now he subsituted it for pot. i have no friends. he always tells me that i make no effort. but i am really shy and have a hard time talking to people. the only people i talk to is my daughter. my husband, and my mom. she lives nearby. she doesn't like my husband too much, because he once knocked a hole in the bathroom door, trying to get after me during a fight. i am the violent one, no him. i threw things at him. he has never hit me before. but because of that incident she doesn't trust him. he does not understand anything about disorders. he has never bothered to look anything up. he is very insensitive about the subject of sex, and puts me down when i don't want to have it. i had no problems with sex with my last boyfriend. he looked different. he was very beautiful, effeminate and graceful, slender, tall, with long auburn curly hair. i was very open with him sexually. we played a lot of sex games. we had lots of fun. i was very much attracted to him. but our relationship was purely sexual. i don't feel that attraction towards my husband. i feel sexually shy, and won't try anything new or different. i feel ashamed of myself. i don't feel good about my body or sexuality. i can't let go. and i feel like he is taking advantage of my body. i hate this feeling. i wish i could feel comfortable with sex. our relationship otherwise seems fine. we are friends. we talk. but once he starts moving in, i back off. i wish there was no need for him to touch me. i know i would be jealous if he would sleep with other women, or even if he would love another. but, i can't deny him my body. that's not fair. it is almost as if he is crossing a line in the relationship when he wants to touch me. as if he were just a friend, not my husband. i don't want him to leave me. i have no one else. but then again, sometimes i do want him to touch me. but it just never feels right when he does. it feels slimy. i don't know what to do. i can't tell anyone about these feelings. i had been seeing a therapist, but i can't really talk to him. i am another person publically. no one knows about these things that go on inside my head. i seem very aloof on the outside and unapproachable. on the inside i am totally insecure. i am supposedly attractive and sexy, but i don't feel like it. i walk around wearing black with hair hanging in my face. i used to dress really provocative, but since i have been married, i dress conservatively. i really just a very confused person. i sometimes don't even know if i like men. my ex-boyfriend used to cross-dress and that suited me just fine. my husband know looks quite boyish, but he is not graceful. i don't find him attractive. what do i do? is that a reason to get a divorce, if you don't find your husband attractive? what about my daugher? i know my husband will try to get custody of her, but i can't let go of her. i just can't. i love her with all my heart, and i would die if i would lose her. besides, i am the one with her all day, not my husband. help me. i know i am a good person, but why can't i just have a normal life?





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