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Sexually Transmitted Diseases Message Board


Sexually Transmitted Diseases Board Index


Hi..I'm very sorry your hubby lied to you about this. That's a serious thing and I just wanted you to know I was sorry and I hope the pain you are feeling right goes away. I do know STDs can "hide" meaning the person who has it is asymptomatic (showing no symptoms). I don't know how many STDs this goes for, but if it were me, I'd ask him. Surely he won't lie to you again...if he was cheating on you I'm sure he'd tell you. Also, I don't know if you want to hear this, but perhaps your husband lied to you about this from the beginning because he might've thought if he told you you would break up with him or whatever (if he had it before you all got married). Other than his fear of what you'd think, I can think of no other possible reason he'd lie to you about this...especially your HUSBAND. The one who's supposed to honor you and be honest with you. Because of what he's done, I can totally see why you'd be upset...but don't give up on your all's marriage. What about your son? You guys can still be a family and if you arent too bitter (which would be hard not to be) try and forgive him. If he is truly and honesltly sorry, give him a chance. Think if you were in his shoes. However, if he admits or you find out he was cheating, that's another story...and you can handle that however you want...hopefully whatever the case is you two find a way to get over this and move on loving each other the same way you loved him before you'd found out he'd lied. Also, a question...how was the marriage before you knew about him having an STD and him lying about it? I wish you the best of luck and hope you guys work things out. It's hard when you find out that someone you have trusted for many years is a liar. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted you to hear what I had to say...again I'm sorry this happened to you I know how hurt you must feel and once again I hope everything works out for the best...don't forget what's best for ALL of you, too...(including the little one)...God Bless You!

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[i]Kathryn[/i]
People tend to LIE about having been exposed or even having STDs because the general public has placed such a stigma on having an STD. That is unfortunate, because often a person who really loves someone gets placed in a position of not wanting to tell about their STD for many reasons, fearing they will get dumped, they will no longer be considered desirable or normal, etc. I don't condone this behavior, but I truly understand it. I got genital herpes from such a person and he told me the same things you were told...he had been tested negative for any STDs, he had not been with anyone sexually except his ex wife who was also STD-clean, etc., etc. Only after I contracted HSVII from him, did he tell me that 3 years ago he had had an affair with a woman while he was still married to his wife and that woman did have genital herpes he later discovered. He had a sore, but did not get it tested in time, so the test came back negative...he really denied that he could and did have herpes! Only when I caught it from him did he admit all of this and that he had lied about all of that other stuff. Little good his new-found honesty did me...I was already infected. However, he and I did not work out for other reasons, and I got back eventually with the man I really did love..and he has accepted me HSV and all. All I am saying here is your husband did lie, but believe me there is ENORMOUS social pressure for those of us with STDs....I know I could not be like the man I got it from and keep that info from a partner, and I have told the man I am with what I have, etc. It was the hardest thing I have done in my life and I have done some difficult things. Lying is never right, and I am not defending your husband; but, I sure understand how he felt..wanted not to reveal something that might make him feel like a leper. STDs, when diagnosed and treated in time, are not generally life-threatening, like some viruses are. Even herpes is manageable to a great degree. Maybe counseling would help you and your husband because he feared you would reject him because of the truth and now he can't win if he does tell the truth....only a person with the virus understands how it feels. We need to educate our partners and not lie to them, but the public makes it almost impossible sometimes to do this. HPV is a virus that is common and for which there are various treatments that appear to work well. Women need to have pap tests yearly to make sure their HPV is not causing any precancerous condition. Also, you may not know this but a person can catch HPV just from skin-to-skin contact, not just from intercourse. Sounds like you and your husband need to have some meaningful and honest dialogue. But, you will have to be open to hearing him out and attempting to rebuild trust in order to save your marriage and keep your family in tact. This could actually bring you closer together, but that is all up to how you two deal with this matter as a couple. Good luck. (don't throw out the baby with the bath water as they say) Give him a chance and then if it really doesn't work, then split, but you will always wonder what might have happened had you worked at saving the relationship by being more willing to listen to each other and rebuild trust between you.
So sorry if it sounded like I or the other post here were defending your liar spouse..that is certainly NOT the case. That is for YOU to decide.

However, having HSV myself and having contracted it from an uneducated-about-herpes partner, who thought he didn't have it, I am only saying that people are quick to judge people who have STD's and ever more quick to point the finger at the person they contracted it from, as if only one person is to blame for what results from an intimate act. Now, having said that, we on here have no way to know your partner except by what you have told us. Sounds to me like he has had a pattern of lying and that is different from someone who truly didn't know he had HSV. Believe me, when you have HSV, you don't just forget about it nor do you go around telling the world about it either. This is because our society has put, wrongly, a social stigma on having STD's, particularly on herpes, even more so than on HVP.

My best friend has HPV, but had the procedure mentioned above, had them frozen also, and never really had any warts that were visible to the eye..even the doctor never saw them, they just tested positive from her pap. You may not realize that HPV is very, very common and it is also treatable if you stay on top of it, with frequent paps, etc. to make sure it doesn't go to a precancerous stage. Now, the relationship between you and hubby is another matter altogether. I do know that there are not many people who own up to their viruses. Every single man I have dated has said he was STD free...from military tests, insurance tests, etc, etc. They, I am sure, either lied to me about that fact, or just wished they had that information themselves. I think most of them say that they have no STD simply because they do not see any symptoms of one. That does NOT mean they don't still have something!

The man I got HSV II from had NO symtoms yet he told me he had tested negative for all STDs and he learned he had herpes from me, after I contracted it. He never knew you could have herpes and have no symptoms, or that a tiny pimple could be herpes, or a simple little rash. The public has made STDs a subject that people want to hide and therefore lie about, and that really was mostly what I was trying to say. If this had been you husband's first lie, that would be one thing, but he seems to have lied about a number of things to you and that is a horse of a different color. No one wants to make you feel worse or more lonely. This is a support board, not a point a finger at someone board.

We who post on here frequently have learned that most people, particularly newcomers really don't know that much about their newly diagnosed STD, and therefore they are angry, they are looking for someone to blame, etc. I know, I used to be in that category myself. I still have some disgust at the man who gave it to me, but not because of the virus. It has more to do with his egotistical attitude about himself in general. I am not with him anymore and I am doing fine. The man I am with now accepts the herpes and doesn't label me or reject me for having it. I am more than a virus and luckily I have found a man who also thinks that. Everyone has to find his or her own path. Hang in there and I am sure you will do the right thing for YOU, no matter what that is.





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