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My life and acne.
Jun 28, 2002
Iam an 18 year old male and I for one have felt the fear of waking up in the morning and having to look in the mirror.

for 3 years now I have battled terrible acne and I am so glad to say I think I've finally won. Everyone has something they have to overcome in their life and this has indeed been a big challenge.

I started getting acne around grade 7, a rash, by grade 10 I still had the same rash/scar almost completely covering my entire right side of my chin.
In grade 11 my forehead was draped with blackheads and inbetween my eyes I always had a massive, bleeding wound from a pimple that would not clear up.

By year 12 I thought it had gone but when I began to get facial hair it got worse than it ever had before.
I had blind pimples everywhere, one alone which completely covered one side of my chin, blind huge cysts on the left hand upper side of my head, back pimples (huge) pimples in my ears, and the worse place to ever get them, above my upper lip and in my nostrils. And im not just talking about little pimples, these things were NASTY and unpoppable.

I wore a beanie to try cover it up, it made it worse. For so long I have not had a girlfriend because I have been so self concsious and afraid of what others may think that I have just avoided the opposite sex. This ******* has controlled my life. Shaving was borderline insanity and completely out of the question, I felt like I had no face.

Around november last year it was that bad that I wouldnt even get out of bed and would sleep all day so nobody could see me. I seriously think I had lost the will to live, at times I didnt even get up to go to the toilet.

None of my friends had acne either, and it was like the entire town/world was looking down on me. My friends were getting cars, girlfriends, jobs. And me? I got pimples.

Finally on November 11 my dad drove me four hours to the nearest dermatologist and I was put on accutane.
The acne went from bad to worse.
This was when I graduated from year 12 (I had skipped so much of it due to this problem) and while everyone was partying I was sitting alone in my house in a constant state of depression.

Around December last year it got very bad, I had pimples on my lips, mouth, in my eyebrows. Since I was on 40 mg of accutane a day I had it in places never before, my neck, jawline, cheekbones. It was this constant initial breakout which went on for ages. I never once left my house I dont think and I got very moody, I took it out on my family which I still dont forgive myself for.

January this year and it had surprisingly started to get noticably better. Boy was I in for a shock. Not only did it get bad again, but I had patches of red, stinging undeveloped skin from where I had tried to pop or feel for any pimples. I could no longer open my mouth due to the cracks and dry skin either, regardless of moisturiser.
So many nights I remember crying myself to sleep and wondering what could I of done wrong to deserve this.. Would I ever be normal again? Could I be fixed?

One thing which helped me cope with it was just going to sleep when it got too much that I couldnt handle it anymore, regardless of the time of day. I would always wake up and feel better.

By the end of february when I started college my acne had unnoticably but progressively VANISHED. I no longer had it anywhere except for my inner facial area (next to my nose and stuff), and a few blackheads.
Since then all my blackheads have come to the surface as pimples and I have gotten no new acne.

Also over the past 5 months the discolouring has almost gone too, I only have a few slightly dark patches but apart from that it is gone. Iam also lucky I don't really have any permanent pitted scarring, just some surface scars which you can see up close but they have healed up and nearly dissappeared over the past 3-4 months too. Another thing Accutane has done is made my skin very smooth and so much less oily.

I feel this is something I had to go through, like the accutane was clearing out all my pores from those years of putting junk into my body. Like all the acne I will ever get has been bundled together and given to me in one harsh dose, but now that is over and I can get on with my life.

Over the past 6 months I have drank nothing but water, no softdrinks and no chocolate, no milk, cheese, bread or butter. Iam very strict with how I feed and look after myself and I only eat fat free foods and am basically a health freak now. Although I think this is over the top, I wouldnt trade clear skin for the world.

Right now I have no pimples and got my last one 3 weeks ago which was from a blackhead in a mole which has been there my whole life.

Looking back I think this experience has changed my life for the better and for the worse. It has scarred me mentally, I am forever still checking my face and pushing down on the skin to see for blind pimples even though I know there are none there, I cant stop myself. I always feel guilty if I do anything wrong or eat the wrong foods, like some higher power will punish me again. I get very angry if someone touches my face or if it gets scratched because I have worked so hard for clear skin. I also think I have emotional problems to deal with now. I can no longer look people in the eye when speaking to them because I think they are looking at my face or any scars, even if its not that bad. I get angry if people even look at me, and am extremely sensitive now for some reason. If a girl gives me a look I think its because of my skin and omg I have just never felt so ugly. Not only acne but I have weight problems to deal with (Iam very skinny) and these things combined just make me feel like death is now an option.
Example: if I put a little too much sugar in my coffee i'll immedietely tip it out and start again, true, this has turned me into an obsessive compulsive.
I still get very depressed too if I get small blemishes after shaving (ingrown hairs). I've almost got a full beard which I think means I'm almost through puberty so this could of helped too.
I think by the end of the year I'll be much better mentally, I just have to get through this. But I think Iam at the end of the tunnel.

To anyone who has problems with bad acne, I hope this helped you feel a little better and I want you to know that you are not alone. As a fellow human being I am deeply sorry for anyone who has to go through this terrible disease, nobody should have this burden inflicted upon them.

And if anybody ever looks down on you because of your acne, don't worry because after what has happened to me I strongly believe in karma, so the person should probably get their own back 10 fold anyway.

[This message has been edited by Divine (edited 06-29-2002).]

Divine..7 months..i thought you were only suppose to be on it for like 6 months at a time..then need a break then can take a second course..are you seeing a bad was your acne....i am on 60 mg a day now....and my first month was 40 month if still the cysts i am going to ask to up it to 80 mg....i dont have blackheads or whiteheads..just cysts...go figure..but i think some of it has to do with female probs...that will be taken care of at the end of hopefully they will go away after that...amazing how our looks define how we are as a person eh...i mean we are who we were before...but something like acne can devastate us to staying home and not socialing..only running at night cuz we dont want anyone to see us...kinda sad really when there are people out there with deformities that cant be fixed and they hold their heads high....just things i think about when i have to go into social situations now or even to work...ok..enough babble....keep me updated on your progress groups like this make all the difference in the world

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