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Pretending to be happy Ė My life for the previous 5 years

What Iíve tried Ė In order

1. Over the counter products such as clean and clear / Clearasil
2. Benzoyl Peroxide
3. Clidymycin
4. Minocycline
5. Doxycycline
6. Differin
7. Benzoyl Peroxide again (which actually got me quite clear for a large period of time)
8. Epiduo
9. No Products Ėaka just water
10. Dairy free diet
11. Gluten / wheat free/ sugar free / dairy free
12. Exercising
13. Drinking 8+ glasses of water a day
14. No picking
15. Positive mentality

For the last 5 years (since 17) Iíve had acne. Iím not sure what I would class my acne as but Iíd say moderate. Whilst I donít get any cheek acne, my chin hasnít been clear in 5 years (not once) and I get deep under the skin pimples that take around 7-10 days to go away yet alone heal. When I get these it hurts to smile, it hurts to laugh, it even hurts to talk...

Iíve always tried to approach acne with the mentality that Itíll get better once Iím into my 20ís and to be frank, it has got no worse or better. The only difference is that Iím almost 22 and the problem is still there destroying my youth. It has stopped me from living life; Iím so envious of those who can lead a Ďnormal lifeí. It has complete control over my thoughts and actions and after trying every possible outlet I believe itís time for accutane.

I remember when I was young, I used to have no worries, I would just live life. Sounds like the simplest thing in the world but itís also the best thing in the world. Just going to school was amazing, coming home and playing on my guitar for 4 hours, amazing. The best part about it was the I wasnít constantly fixated on my image, what others thought of me and how I had to constantly pretend to be happy. My thought process would process the activity I was undertaking and move onÖ

Well, hereís the truth. Every day of my life is a constant struggle. I am unable to do what I want to do, eat what I want and am constantly in a state of worry. Iíve done everything in my power to beat this disease, would you call it a disease? Feels like one to me.


Who the hell doesnít have an Easter egg at Easter? Who doesnít have an ice cream when itís a particularly hot day. Who has to turn down desserts whenever I go out for a meal in public? Who canít have a bag of sweets to much on whilst watching a movie? Me!

Iím not the kind of person who doesnít want to get better. This is horrible; I want happiness, thatís all I want. I couldnít care about anything else in life.
I notice all of my friends are now clear, no Iím not exaggerating, they are ALL clear. They all do NOTHING to their skin and the word Ďacneí has probably crossed their minds less than 20 times in their lifetime. Sure everybody gets the occasional spot that lasts two days but I havenít had a clear face in 5 years.

Asking for accutane goes against all my beliefs, but I feel as If Iím left with no alternative. It has stopped me from

- Going on Holidays
- Forming relationships
- Having Ďfuní
- Looking forward to an event Ė I donít get excited about anything anymore. Itís more of a case of Ď will I cancel because Iíll look like shití
- Living carefree

I WANT to travel, I WANT to meet new people, I WANT to meet someone who I could have a relationship with, I WANT to have kids in the future.

So here I am, sitting inside on a Friday night, most of my friends are out there clubbing having fun and here I am back at square one writing some stupid log that will get me nowhere in terms of progression, I donít even know why Iím writing itÖ.My ĎfriendsíÖwell I call them friends but I can feel myself loosing touch with them and I donít blame them. I always make excuses when they invite me somewhere and can feel I am generally a boring person to be around. Iím not funny, Iím not charismatic, and Iím not inspirational. At least I have morals, I like to think Iím a kind, polite person and that is what carries me through life.

Every so often I break down and just burst into floods of tears (every year or so) I remember before a lecture at university I drove in and got so upset after looking in the mirror that I sat there and cried before driving home.

I Once woke up for work and had a terrible nodular pimple that was raised and angry. I went downstairs and said to my mum ĎíI canít take this anymoreíí and burst out in to tears like Iíve never done before.

Recently, I came home from work and didnít call anyone to let them know I wasnít going to be coming back that day. I walked in and one man said Ďíwhatís wrong with your faceí I drove home and cried my eyes out once againÖ

If I were to give myself a diagnosis, it would be that Iím suffering from borderline depression, which is highly influenced by acne and my perception of how others perceive me. I acknowledge that I need help, I need all kinds of help. I need medication to obliterate this acne and I need to rebuild my confidence, of which currently stands at zero. Sometimes I go out of the house wearing trendy clothes and think to myself, why do you even bother? The rest of you looks like shit so whatís the point?

I could honestly go on writing about this for days, am Iím not exaggerating. But this is it, I mean it, 5 years of my life wasted to this disease is too much. Not only am I dealing with acne now Iím dealing with anxiety and depression, fucking brilliant.





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