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ADD / ADHD Message Board

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I'm so unmotivated in life that I can't even gather the energy to seek professional help. I can't commit to anything, I can't finish anything I start, I am overwhelmed and confused by the smallest issues in life. If more than two tasks are looming overhead (personal or professional), I start panicking. I'm no longer cleaning, shopping for food, paying the bills on time, or making dinner. I come home from work, change into PJ's and lay on the couch, get on my laptop and look at a dozen different websites, then I take a Xanax and fall asleep. I hate my job. I feel like nobody at work likes me. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like I don't know what I'm doing at work half the time, yet I can't focus on instructions on how to do things correctly. I don't like to answer my home phone or cell phone. I dread work related calls at work, I'd rather just use email. It's like a huge wall goes up anytime I have to call someone back or I have to complete a project at work, even the simplist of things like creating a file folder and filing stuff away. I am not taking any meds now. I know I've had ADD since I was a child. Every report card was horrible in school, most comments read "excessive talking, disturbs others." I can't even believe I graduated high school. I want to go back to school and I want to be able to think straight. I'm 40 years old and I'm losing it mentally. My family doctor is not much help. In fact, she just seems to prescribe whatever I tell her I need. I recently went off of Lexapro because my motivation is totally deteriorating and I was wondering if the Lexapro was making me not care anymore. I have a wonderful husband who has no idea what is going on in my head. He thinks my work is fine and people like me, but he has no idea how I am struggling every moment of my life to do anything. All I want to do is lay down and do absolutely nothing. I'm sure that it's obvious to him that I have no motivation anymore, but he doesn't know why. I mentioned to him that I think I have ADD and he didn't disagree. He just kind of hugged me and said "Awww." I have an appointment with my family doctor on Friday for a "med review" because I didn't know how to explain to the person on the phone that I am so damn confused in my head I have no idea what the hell to do or say to my doctor. I feel so damn confused in my head. I have tried Strattera and Adderall and neither of them helped my concentration or focus. After months on both of them, I felt worse. They simply did not help. I feel like there is nothing out there that can help me. I've sought counseling in the past but I feel like even the counselors don't like me. I have no idea what to say to them either. What could be wrong me with? I'm now looking into some of the natural remedies I have read here, krill oil and phosphatidyl serine. I'm not feeling very hopeful that I can even gather up the energy to buy those items. I wish I knew where to start to get help. The worst thing, once I get a little motivated and complete a small task, I feel like I'm "just fine," I don't have motivational problems and I don't really need help. God, I am so messed up inside! Sorry, I am totally rambling here. I don't know where else to ramble where people might understand me. Maybe a good kick in the rear is what I need to get started, I'm just afraid to admit to anyone I know what I'm feeling inside. =(

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