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I took my first dose of meds on Thurs. afternoon and then I took both my doses yesterday...which is a.m. and lunch time.
Both Thursday and Friday night I only slept 5 hours. I don't know if it was really a full 5 hours because I tossed and turned a while before going to sleep.

I think I read in my prescription not to break the tablets? Mine are pills and not capsules. They are IR too. I'm not sure if I should wait until I get a less mg. dosage before taking it again? Or keep taking taking it.
If I can break a tablet that would be 10 mg.

I am usually very sensitive to medication. I get nauseous from medicines that don't make anyone else nauseous. My doc would say that's not even a listed side effect. It doesn't matter...I feel nauseous with every prescription I've ever been given including antibiotics.
I refuse to take any pain meds because that tipple time and I'm vomiting everytime no matter how much I eat with it. Prescription Aleve makes me too sick. I just do over the counter for my arthritis stuff.

I always expect side effects. The problem with me is that I usually find I'd rather deal with whatever my problem or ailment or whatever is than I would deal with the side effects of the med to treat that problem.

Therefore, I rarely go to the doctor because they will just give me some other prescription. I had knee pain, ankle pain, back pain, and shoulders etc. for quite awhile, but I felt it getting worse. It seemed like maybe I even had a kidney infection because of the pain in my low back. I went to the doc and tests were fine. She sent me for x-rays and then was told I have the early stages of degenerative joint disease. She said it's a progressive disease and will worsen over the years. I already know this as my mother has it too....hence her addiction to prescription pills.

I don't want to take pain meds for this...especially if I'm in the early stages. And this disease is progressive...I don't want to get sucked into the pain pill trap. I would take a pain pill as the absolute last possible thing to try. I'd do acupuncture, yoga, physical therapy...anything put the pills.

I know my mom has severe pain...don't doubt that. The problem is she never tried any other method of pain relief. She's been on pain pills now for 16-17 years. She's also type one diabetic and she swallows the pills with alcohol. I've called her docs and told them what she does...and she finds another doc. I don't care what she does anymore..it's her life. But I will not make her mistakes. The last time I called her doc was 12 years ago. Nowadays I stay away....but make a little visit.

I sound bitter towards her because I am. This is irrelevant to ADHD...but 7 months ago A man broke into my mothers house and nearly beat her to death. Every bone from the waist up was broken or fractured..fore arm, shoulder, ribs, facial bones, skull fracture, vertebrate, and so on. She had ruptured lung. Plus black eyes..bruises from head to toe. Her teeth were even knocked out. She spent 2 months in ICU and Critical Care and almost died several times. She got pneumonia several times. She then spent some time in a rehabilitation center and then spent time in a brain rehabilitation center as she had some brain damage.
I took 2 months off work using my sick time that I built up and I didn't mind at all. I wanted to be there and wanted to support my dad. My dad works nights and felt guilty cuz he worked over time that night. If he came home normal time he would have walked in on what happened or prevented it. He normally gets home around 11ish...but that night it was nearly 3 a.m. He came home to police cars and ambulance etc.

My dad has been clean and sober for about 20 years.

I was at the hospital every day. My dad and I took shifts so someone was always there. He and I are the only family in the state.

Anyway, what did she do when she came home from all that???? she started on the booze once again after not having any alcohol for 3-4 months. She was on something to help the withdrawal while in ICU...but not the same thing.
She quickly went back to criticizing me and just being a total b**** towards me as usual. Don't get me wrong I would have done that all over again even knowing how she will treat me in the end. The guy who did it came in through her garage because she leaves it open. I tell her to close that garage..hasn't she learned anything. She still keeps it open when my dad is gone. He gets really mad too....but I learned many many years ago to be there and help when she's sick and keep my distance in between.
Due to being diabetic and she doesn't take care of herself she gets sick often.

She tells me I cause my kids problems because of the way I am. She is mean and she says things that cut to the bone.

I know that's irrelevant, to the topic here, but thought I'd share that since it was fairly recent.
The problem is I get away from her and finally start to feel better about myself...and then some tragedy happens and I'm sucked back in.
She's still my mother and I can't turn my back on her in those times of need.

As the years go on it's much easier to turn off her criticism from my head.
However, I still have this inadequate feeling about myself. I guess I would take her less seriously if my life weren't such a train wreck.
My kids tell her that I get them to school late and all my issues. I can't hide anything from her because of the kids. I do let the kids visit her 1 to 2 times a month and they talk on the phone with her. I only let them spend the night if my dad is off work.

Do any of you have a relative that is overly critical of you and just out right mean?
Anyway, back to my point.
This is the first time EVER that I am willing to suffer the side effects to get better.

I did put my doct. appointment in my phone calendar and did mean to put more in just haven't.
I have a work lap top that I am on a lot. I haven't figured out how to use that Outlook calendar yet. Other people in the agency that make appointments with me put in on there some how so that little reminder thing pops up...I didn't put in in though. Not sure how that works?

I did apply for another job. The job opening just closed on Thursday. So I'm expecting them to call for interviews this next week or so. It's under the same agency but a different thing. It's a much less stressful job with much less of a workload. I was really hoping that I get this job. Now..I'm second guessing myself. I'm worried I'll get too bored since it's a much less exciting of a job...but my current workload is too much for me to keep up with.

Right now I work for CPS. I investigate child deaths, or any severe abuse. Severe abuse is babies with broken bones, or older kids with bad injuries plus rapes etc. They also consider any referral regarding a child under the age of 5 to be severe. Those are the only cases I get.

I've been doing this for 3 years now. The job I applied for is just ensuring residential facilities are up to code and in compliance. Sounds a little boring.

Sometimes I think I need a boring job because it may help me get my stuff together. It's not as bad as an office job would be...I could never do that. At-least here I will still be out in the field and not tied down anywhere.

Do you think a more boring job like that would do me better or should I stick with my current?
I may not even get offered the job or an interview. But I need to decide if I really want it in case I do get called. They are both state jobs and my benefits are the same....I will not loose my time and leave either.
Bob, thanks. I feel a little better know knowing that I need to do some prerequisites before doing the daily list.
I did feel a bit overwhelmed with the list thing again. It seems everywhere I go I get told to make a list. No one but you guys seem to get the flaws with that.

Sticky notes are my worst enemy. In fact my old secretary forbidded me from using them. She actually hid them so I wouldn't sneak a pack. lol I am not exaggerating when I say this, but over half of my desk was filled with piles of sticky notes with random phone numbers and such on them. I don't like throwing them away because I might need one of those numbers which sounds ridiculous because I didn't write names with the numbers. I scooped them up and put them in a big envelope and shoved it in a drawer. At least I feel better knowing I didn't throw something important away.

I don't think I have the right dosage or medication or both. I took half of a 20mg tablet at 11 a.m. I waited that long because I didn't know if I even wanted to take one. I was in a lot of pain yesterday with my joints and stuff. I also stayed up for 22 hours straight. After staying up that long I only slept for about 3 1/2 hours. Yesterday I woke up on my own at 6 a.m. (very unusual for me as I am difficult to wake) and I didn't go to sleep til 4 a.m. and woke up at 7:30 this morning. I may have been able to sleep longer but my dog was standing on me and barking in my face. That's what woke me up...and she wouldn't leave me alone. I finally got up and let her outside. At that point I felt awake so I just stayed up.

I do not notice anything with that half of a pill. I'm feeling frustrated and disappointed with this who medication thing. With 20 mg being too much and 10 doing nothing. It's been 3 1/2 hours since I took the half of a pill and I feel tired. I'm afraid to take a nap though because I don't want to stay up all night. Maybe 15 mg would be better? I don't think I can cut these pills in 3 parts to get 15 mg. They are small pills and crumbled a little when I cut it in half.

My financial coach has a list of people that he endorses. They range from dentists to auto mechanics. I found a life coach on his list. I looked at the life coach's website and I can't afford his fees. I e-mailed him and told him who referred me and I am looking for someone to help me with organization, but can't afford his fees. I asked if he knew of something to help me.
He responded and said he's going out of town for a family reunion and to call him on the 7th and he and I can talk about whats going on.

I don't know what that means. Whether he will work out something that I can afford or if he can refer me to someone that would fit my budget...which isn't much. There really isn't room in my budget for this at all. However, I can't afford not to do it either. I can't follow my financial coach or any other plan without help.

I fear my financial coach thinks I'm crazy. I sent him that e-mail telling him how I don't think I can manage following his budget. The truth is I haven't followed it yet and we developed it 3 months ago.

I always worry what others think. So many people don't believe ADHD even exists and they think it's laziness and lack of will power. I don't know what his opinion is. I sent it to him in an e-mail...cuz i don't think I could face him or say it over the phone without knowing his opinion on this. The other problem is that I haven't paid him either. I paid him his down payment but then I'm supposed to pay him $50 a month.

I have kept in contact with him though. I send him an e-mail every month and knowledge that I haven't paid him. I don't want him to think I'm being dishonest or not good on my word.

I'm very embarrassed to admit this...but my account was $1000 over drawn in April and it carried over every month. I have direct deposit so that money was taken every month and I didn't even have enough for my bills and couldn't pay him. I did tell him that.

Anyway, on the first of this month I went to my bank and asked for help because I see no end to getting out this mess. They gave me a loan for $1000. So my account went even and they took off overdraft protection so I can't go negative again until my loan is paid off. I have to pay them $180 a month for 6 months. That's pretty low interest. That's an extra bill that I can't afford, but I also couldn't continue being $1000 overdrawn every month. I signed a form that said I do not want overdraft protection put back on my account after loan is paid off. That overdraft gets me in too much trouble.
What I had to do each month is quickly withdraw $1000 from my account and then hurry up and pay the important bills before the bank registered I didn't have money in it....that's how I continued to be negative. I had to do that to make through the month. I only get paid once a month.

I explained all of that to my financial coach (FC) and I advised him when I got the loan. I told him I would ensure he got his pymt. in July. He told me that was okay and he didn't want me to not pay a bill to pay him. He is also frustrated that I'm not following the budget. I couldn't follow it when I was neg.
Now I'm behind on stuff and have to catch up. don't know how to follow it now.

Anyway, you can see I'm in a real financial mess and don't know if I can come up with the funds for a ADHD coach.

I don't have any personal friends or family members that I would want to be my "coach". All but 2 of my friends do not understand my ways at all. Some of them cannot understand how my stuff gets so messy and cluttered. They are very anal and extremely structured and organized. I know if they were around me more I'd drive them too crazy.
The 2 that do understand it are too much like me. I wouldn't be able to count on them. One of them irritates me too. I am closer to her than any of my other friends. In fact she and I live in the same neighborhood. She's less than a block away. As close as we are...she really gets on my nerves sometimes. She always thinks she has a solution and tries to give me suggestions when I'm confiding in her about stuff. That really irritates me because I don't like her solutions and I don't even want her to do that...I just want her to listen.

She always talks about how much better she's doing and I don't see it. I know this is terrible but I find myself judging her. And the crazy part about it is I judge her for things she does and I do the exact same thing.

I have 2 phases...one is working towards progress and wanting to change and the other is destructive. I go back and forth between these two.
When I'm in my cleaning myself up phase I clean like crazy and get everything super organized and make all my lists and bla bla bla. When I'm in that phase and go to her house and it looks like Hurricane Katrina went in there...I find myself judging her and thinking "how can she live like this". LOL I just laugh because history shows Katrina will be back to my house within a week.

I feel like a bad friend sometimes. She never judges me. When she comes to my house and it's a hot mess she offers to help me clean. She always says it in a nice way and says she understands and knows if we clean it I will feel better. I don't do that with her.

Part of it is that in my house it's my mess and I don't feel as grossed out. For some reason when I'm in someone else's mess it grosses me out. I feel very uncomfortable and I want to leave.

She really struggles too, but I don't know if she has ADHD or not. She doesn't think she does. She said she used to be very organized and this is all new to her. I don't know if that's really true. Don't think she's lying but she may see it that way. I've known her for 10 years and she's been a hot mess like me the entire time.

She's a teacher and the other teachers judge her because she's always late turning in her grades. She also doesn't get papers graded and back to the kids. She ends up staying up all night the night before grades are due and grades them all...so the kids never know where they stand before report cards.
She gets parent complaints and feels bad about herself. She stays at work late every night trying to get grades done but doesn't accomplish anything.

She's stubborn and always thinks she's right so me suggesting that she see someone would not go over well.

Our friendship is really not as toxic as it seems. I can depend on her...I just know she'll never be on time. Vise versa...she can count on me but I'm never on time and sometimes forget.

My posts always end up really long too.

My kids are a couple hours away with their paternal grandparents this week and then they go to their dads house and return home Thursday. I won't be posting this much when they are home.
Anyway, my youngest daughter is already stressing over the school year starting at the end of August.

She told me that she went into the 5th grade classes sometimes and saw stuff on the board that made no sense and one of the 5th grade teachers taught her class once and she didn't understand anything the teacher said.

She's also afraid of failing her state tests next year. She failed them this year and in 3rd grade.

I know when I was a kid and even in college I couldn't do the standardized tests either. I always failed them. I knew why...the tests were so long and boring. I would get headaches and was tired of reading those stupid questions. I lost all focus and half way through the test I no longer cared if I passed I just wanted to get the H*** out of there. I remember feeling like it was stuffy in the room and I needed fresh air. There were times I just started coloring in answers on the scantron and didn't even read the questions.

I'm going to talk to her about when she gets home. I'm going to ask her how she feels when she's taking the test and if she reads all of it etc. I'll ask her all that without telling her what I did.
I know that she knows the material. I also know they word things funky on those test and when my brain is tired I'm unable to figure out what they are trying to ask.

I have a follow up appt. with my psychiatrist in 2 weeks. Do you recommend I continue with this and wait and see him then or should I call him on Mon?
I really don't think the 10mg is doing anything for me. The 20mg gave so much side effects that I couldn't really see the benefits. Visually things looked so much clearer...as if I put on glasses. Is that weird?





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