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In bad shape. :(
Jul 9, 2010
I don't know what to do I have really made things worse for myself. I am very depressed now.

I get paid once a month. Before I got paid I spoke with my financial coach and my counselor and was determined to make sure I stayed on track.

I was on adderall and it didn't seem to work.

I took my daughter to the psychiatrist because she was talking about wanting to die. He agreed with her original diagnosis of PDD NOS. I have fought the school system and family members for 7 years for her and no one would help us.
I got myself all worked up and upset all over again. I couldn't focus on anything else but that. I called everyone I know to call for help. I even contacted state represenitives. None of these providers accept insurance and I can't afford on my own.

Anyway, I finally got some answers and solutions so I went to pay my bills. I don't have any money and I don't know what happened. I can't pay all of them. I have to choose and I don't know what to choose. My electric company says they will disconnect services next week if not paid. My car is threatening to repo it and I need to pay rent.

I am so upset and so scared and don't know why I keep screwing everything up. I have tried to help by going to financial guy and going to counseling and now taking meds.

My doc gave me Vivance this time. Today was the first day of that meds. Now I feel more focused and ready to go over stuff and find that I can't pay my bills.

I'm shaking and nervous and anxious.

I have to have structure in my life in order to care for my daughter properly. I can't be stressed about money and have everything jacked up. I just don't know how to get there.
Thanks so much for the advice. I stopped using checks because I always bounced them. I get money orders for my rent now. The problem is the money disapears before getting to the bank to pay bills. I am embarrased to say I only paid 2 bills this month and now have a small amount left..trying to decide which one to pay.
Do I want my car or my electricity? The rent has to wait because I have to have car and electricity.
I called my landlord and she's not happy, but there is nothing else I can do right now.
I had to call her as I didn't want her to think I was avoiding her and I wanted to get that phone call over with. I called her Friday night after posting on here.

I have been taking 30 mg. of Vyvance each day since Friday. I feel much more focused and huge difference from the Aderall I took. I don't have the side effects I had with Adderall either. I have a little upset stomach but nothing like before.
My doc said that I may need to go up to 60 mg. He said if I do that's ok, but he wanted me to start off with 30mg. So far I don't feel I need 60 mg. but I just started.
I do feel depressed but it doesn't feel like the meds like it did with the Adderall. This is because I see the chaos and messes I have in every part of my life. I am so deliquent and behind at work and my office looks like hurricaine Katrina went through there.

The embarassing part is that I transferred offices in April. We have units and in a unit is 5 or 6 case-workers with 1 supervisor, 1 secretary and 1 case aid. My previous secretary used to organize my office weekly for me. My new secretary is lazy and does very little. I made the mistake of telling my new sup that I am aware of my organization problem and Im working on it. I told her my previous secretary was a big help.
I thought it would best if I brought it up before she did.

My last supervisor was awful and he was majorly ADHD and couldn't even sit for more than 2 minutes. He was always up and walking around and he'd leave the office for hours to run errands etc. Yet, he was the first to gossip and talk about others. He often gossiped about me and my lack of organization and time management skills.

Okay so the embarrasing thing is that my new supervisor e-mailed him and asked if we could borrow his secretary for a week to have her help me organize my office and teach our secretary how she helped keep my organized.
I about died when I read that e-mail. I know that supervisor (sup) and know he's laughing and talking about me and degrading me etc. He never responded to the e-mail either.

I feel so ashamed and inadquate. I have F**** up everythign in my life.
I also felt judged by my kids school. I often got them to school late and forgot to sign report cards and papers etc. I have even lost their report cards. I feel like I appeared uninvolved.
I was very involved in their other school so much so that the school didn't like me. They were terrible to my kids who have special needs. I had to be involved there because they were out of line and awful to us.

THis was first year at new school and they were great. My kids were happy and they were learning. I felt like I could breathe and not worry about them there. I scheduled meetings and didn't follow thorugh on things we discussed. My kids had a total of 35 tardies last year. I left a very bad first impression. They are going to start their 2nd year at that school and I want to show them that I am responsible and I am a good involved parent.

In all fairness 3 months of last year my mom was in the hospital and nearly died...that was when she was beaten nearly to death by an intruder in her home. I was stressed and worried and couldn't focus on anything else.

My home is unorganized and my car looks scary. Basically, my finances, job, home, car, and my responsibilites relating to kids school is all jacked up.

Now I feel much more focused and capable of being "normal", but feel overwhelemed by the extreme messes I have to clean up.

I know from you all that if I try to do too much to soon I will crash.
Obviously my finances have to come first. I cannot go on living like this.

I think you are all right about taking cash out and not using my card for purchases.

Here is my plan:
I am going to my bank to set up online banking. I am going to see about doing an automatic draft for my rent to ensure it's taken out immediately. On the first I will go into my online banking account and pay all my bills on the 1st of each month. THat will have to take priority over everything else.
I will then take out cash to use for the week.

At times like this I wish I was married and had a husband to do the finances and hand me an allowance so I wouldn't have to worry.

That's not the case so I have to take control of this before we end up living under a bridge.

I told my landlord on Friday that I want to do an automatic draft to her each month. I told her I'd check with my bank and she said she'd check too. I know she must think I'm just ignoring my duty to pay her. I know she doesn't understand. I worry that she regrets renting to me. I have to show her and prove to her that she can count on me and I am responsible. I know it will take time, but I know I can do it. I told her I'd try to get money to her this month, but don't know if I can. She said she can't wait too long. My hope is if I have her paid on the 1st and pay some towards what I owe her she'll back off. I'll pay her extra each month until I'm current.

Now I have to figure out what to do this month to avoid lights being shut off and car being repossessed. I also need gas and grocerys. I could live on little food but I have to have food for my kids.
I get a child support check next Friday and then get paid on the 1st. I have a little money now. I will calculate it and call the companies and figure what I can do.
I live in Texas and its hot. Temperatures dropped some due to all the rain we had from the tropical storm. Rain is now gone and temps are going back up...i'm hoping they can't legally turn off power due to the extreme heat.
I have asthma and could get a note from my doctor that I can't be in extreme heat due to my health and send that to electric company.

I also spoke to a life coach on Friday and informed him of my issues. He is willing to see me on a sliding scale fee and help me. He has worked with a lot of ADHD people.
I just can't pay him now since i'm in this position with my bills. Maybe next month I can see him once and get started.

By the way I didn't get that job I wanted. I'm still looking though.





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