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What to do......
Jul 1, 2002
Several months ago I was diagnosed with ADD. I am now taking Adderall. Some areas of my life have been improving. I can complete most things I undertake. I don't forget things like I used to. I have heard from those around me that I am more mellow and more organized. I used to be decribed as "a dog chasing his tail" and "the busiest get nothing done person you ever met". I thought I was just a typical "A" personality type person.

On my first few visits with my psychiatrist my husband was with me. I do not handle public or private situations like this very well and he came for support. The minute I entered the building it was like my mind went totally blank and I was more of a viewer than a participant to everything that went on after that.

When the psychiatrist asked me questions my husband added his imput, usually ahead of mine.
(This is not untypical of how we have usually handled meetings of any kind in the past. Most times my husband would tell me before hand to not interrupt and overtake the conversation and to let him handle things. Often I failed in this and would not realize it until we would leave a meeting and then he would make me feel so bad when I had tried so hard to control it and thought I had.)

Anyway, the thing is, some of what was told to the psychiatrist at this meeting is really not true. When asked if we had any problems with our marriage my husband said no. I just agreed. The truth is we have MAJOR problems. I think my husband thinks that by my getting medication that the problems will correct themselves. I can tell they are not... they are still there and if anything I am feeling very bitter toward him.

When asked if I have ever suffered from depression my husband answered, no again.... truth is I think I have spent most of my life being depressed. How can I not have, I don't trust myself to complete anything, my house has piles of stuff everywhere, I never can find something when I need it, I forget important things constantly like appts and paying bills, I feel like a fake and failure. I feel like I have no control over any aspect of my life.

When asked if I had any areas of my life that trouble me I did answer truthfully. I told him I worry alot. My husband quickly added that he didn't think it was a big problem for me though and then I agreed. The truth is I sometimes feel so worn down with worry it "hurts". I wake up at 3 every morning with something on my mind.. something that almost makes me feel ill I am so worried about it. Also, I am so tired of checking and double checking everything around me. I am afraid I will forget to do something and the world will come crashing in around me because I was so stupid and irresponsible.

There are other things I now regret not telling the psychiatrist like my fear of people and social situations. I would love to have a social life and to have friends. I would love to feel like I could actually participate in a conversation with someone and not sound stupid or say something wrong.

Last month when I met with the psychiatrist I was going to tell him some of this stuff but in the end I chickened out. I don't even trust myself with him. I am so afraid to speak. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. (btw, this appt I went to alone).

I have another appt. coming up. I really want to get all aspects of my life under control now that I know what I have been dealing with the past 39 years of my life. So how do I make myself do this? And won't he think I have been lieing to him in the past? Won't he feel like what I say may not be true even now? Will he think I am stupid for not having revealed any of this to him until now since I have been to see him many times already? Should I even tell him anything and maybe make an appointment with a psychologist instead? I think the way his office works he would refer me to one anyway... argh.. I don't know what to do. I just want to get my life in control, it feels like it is going to come to a crashing halt one day.

any suggestions?


------------------
*~*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?*~*
Way to go, Mandy!


Look, I am still a "whimp" in many ways, only difference now is I have "seen the light" , if you will. My life is FAR from perfect, but now when I start thinking about that, I just say f*** it and go have some ice cream!!! ...of course, a reasonable amount 'cause I don't need to be 300 lbs!

I guess sometimes we have to accept what we can't change and just work on what we can! Accepting the bad with the good. I always look at how things could be worse.... which is really hard I know these days because you turn on the T.V. and see these celebrities who have it all, or even neighboors who seem to have everything they want and it's hard not to say why not me. Well, we can't all be on top; if everyone was, the world would have no balance. We be a bunch of achievers with no achievements. What good would it be to have a world full of engineers and no workers? Things would never get done and we'd still be living in caves!

I know no man is an island, but today it seems we depend TOO much on others to "fix" things, like a spouse, doctor, whatever. Some things don't always need fixing like we think, but others will make us think it does. I guess that's called self-acceptance. Faults and all. So I hope you can work to change what you can about yourself, and accept the rest as human flaws.....and maybe your husband needs to accept too.

Too bad you don't have a wonderful daughter like mine to take him down a notch, but perhaps you can make him understand somehow.

P.S. Adderall can be an anxiety inducer, so be aware. Yeah sure, it helps focus and what-not, but many people have claimed cocaine helped their creativity too, sooo..does that justify all drugs? But it's not healthy for the body, and we only get one of those in life.

[This message has been edited by Megherc (edited 07-03-2002).]





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