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[B](This post was also made to "remember what it was like to be a child")

It is so true that in remembering we need to remember that not every child wants to try jumping off a roof, or figets when told to be still and do homework. Not every child spaces out rather than to get their work done, or wanders to play with an animal when told to stay in their desk.

But those that do are truely a severe challenge to a teacher that is expected to manage the children, and give them an education. It is hard for you, and I am sure you do worry about these kids you obviously care about. If you never recommend drugging, more power to you!

Some children are spaced out and some are unruly and cannot be coralled or controlled. It is disturbing to almost all adults and also to those kids that want to comply, fit in, and not make waves.

However, some kids don't mind making waves, and in fact enjoy it. Many kids with the ADD diagnosis are mischievious and manipulative, by their very nature, even if they are depressed.

Some kids buck at restraints and don't see why the world cannot revolve around their spontanous desires. I agree that some kids seem to have an excess of this.

I don't know who made anyone else the judge of what is excessive in a child, but I think it is whoever has had enough of it, and no longer wants to deal with it, or doesn't know how to. Or if someone dislikes or disagrees with how we are acting, then we get judged and labeled.

~~~

When in Junior high school, I cut school with some peers. It was their idea, and seemed harmless to me. After all, most adults stay home from work when they so choose. I had always complied and kept away from making any kind of disturbance in school or home, until that day. Most years I had zero absences.

We got caught of course. It was all of our first times doing any such thing, but the principal sternly informed each of us that "emotionally ill" was then added to our school records!

I was stunned, and ashamed and humiliated. But I also knew it was not right, and began to steel myself against other people's opinions of me.

Even though I had my own moral standard, at age 16, being in a school with many hardened kids, peer pressure influenced me to become sexually active. It seemed normal, as most other kids were doing it. This activity did not elevate my position in society or even my own eyes, as you might imagine.

Years later, I was deemed to be bipolar when I laughed (in relief) after an accident in which the car someone else was driving was totalled, but we were fine. I was prescribed Elavil to "even out my emotions".

Now the fact is, I did have emotional problems, the least of which was laughing after surviving an accident, and cutting one day out of 12 years of school. I was self-demeaning and suicidal, inside.

On the surface my life looked normal, though we were poor after my father died, at my age 6, and my mom had no education so she worked in a school lunch program to support her seven kids. Other kids envied my life, it looked so good, outside of being poor.

No one knew what went on in secret, though. No one knew the men that held me on their laps or face down into a sheet to maturbate themselves with my body, or the rages my mother went into, where she didn't know what she did, but I saw it. They didn't know about my mother telling me sexual jokes as a child, that I knew other parents whispered to each other, but not to their own kids.

No one knew of the girls that stood on each toilet seat in school stalls to prevent me from being able to use the restrooms (it seemed personal, though they did it to others, too).

No one knew of my friend's husband that took his infant son, that nursed, away for the night, and put out cigarettes on him when he cried because he was hungry.

They didn't know about my neighbor's kids that undressed for their older gay brother, and danced and played the piano in the nude, every time their parents were gone. They did not know about my friend's mother, who got drunk and was used for sex by her step dad, who often left her passed out and nude without covers, on their bed, with the door open, for all the children and their friend's (such as me) to see naked.

They did not know about the neigborhood lady that gathered the little girls up and drove them to a bluff where teen boys paid her to be able to use them for various kinds of sex. They did not know about the groups of boys that regularly met to sit in a circle to give a hand job to the guy next to him.

They did not know about the two or three, I forget, 18 year olds that held a fist full of mud in a five year old's mouth to stop her screams while they repeatedly raped her. Or about the postmaster that locked her and his son in his barn and set it on fire, then blamed her for starting the fire.

They did not know about the date rape at age 17 I endured by a man that my brother in law set me up with.

No one knew about those peeping in windows or those of us that saw this happen to us and others.

No one knew about the Mormon bishop that came to visit me in a hospital and asked if he could give me a kiss (I thought it would be on my cheek), then stuck quickly his tongue in my mouth.

No one knew about my mother who rubbed my achey little girl legs to get me to relax, then masturbated herself on my body until I was nine or ten, and she only quit when I told her about a community man that got his daughter pregnant and was jailed.

~~~

On the surface, these families appeared to be respectable, functioned in society, and worked for a living. They were from all walks of life, and econmic
circumstances.

Well, likewise, add in the unknown factors...no one knew why the five year old picked at her lips and was scared of everyone. No one knew why I was anxious and withdawn. No one asked why we thought it was OK to cut school. No one asked why the baby that was burned by cigarettes acted schizophrenic as a teen and later hung himself after being jailed.

No one asked or knew why we looked for a way to get high or numb out with drugs or alcohol. No one knew why we cut ourselves, or acted out. No one asked and no one cared, because the truth is, a finger may go back at them somehow...even if it was just for trusting your kid in a neighborhood that for all appearances was safe and secure, but in reality was not.

I am sure many that read this will think this is not the norm and these things didn't happen to MY kids, and don't happen all that often, and what does this have to do with ADD.

Let me give you a clue...they do happen, and more, and worse!

It is also true that kids these things happen to are scarred by it, usually have no vocabulary for verbalizing, and have secret shame and feel way to unsafe to tell anyone else. Especially not parents that they feel with be reactive, or angry or or amy blame them somehow, or may do something else the child or teen is not able to face or deal with. If you think we parents are no threat to our kids, just ask them if they would feel free to tell us everything.
Most kids would flatly say no.

By the very FACT that people are complicated and we do not understand them, TO ME, it is reprehensible to label us, numb us out with drugs, and cover up who we really are.

The facts do not come out until the person is SAFE and UNJUDGED enough to relax and open up. This seldom occurs, because counselors like to keep getting paid, drug companies like to sell their drugs, and people dealing with us have their own veneers of denial of secret shame and sin they are surviving from.


Of course a reasonable and loving person wants their child to be able to fit in society and be accepted and successful.

Since there really IS no blueprint in life, because we are all different and have different experiences, seeing loved ones act up is complicated and is hard.

If society is uncomfortable, let it BE uncomfortable.
Life was not comfortable for US!

It is totally normal for a 15 year old to want to make her own choices, and you can be sure that outside of locking her in a closet, when she is away from you she will act out if she chooses.

I think it would be better to acknowlege this reality that you cannot control her, and to also still continue to have your own standards in your home, and let her know that you won't be helping her with college or to get a car, whatever, if she doesn't respect your values while she is living at home, rather than to deem her mentally ill and to drug her.

Many of you think we act out because we cannot control ourselves. That all you can do to help us is drug us.
How many chose to home school, so we could be ourselves? How many asked us what is bothering us, or made a place secure enough where we could open up?

I know it is not easy to be on either end, the one labeled or the one labeling. You don't have all day to read my myriad of stories about myself or my kids, so I can prove to you that I do have experience.

All I can say is I rejected drugs: by some others' standards I may not have lived up to my full potential, and by others', I have surpassed what they thought possible. I rejcted drugging my kids, and they have their struggles, which never killed them or me.
By soem standards we are all syuccessful, and others can look down on us from their high and mighty self-made position.


It seems to me that what seems arrogant to some that read this is really our self-assurance and willingness to be unique...maybe some are jealous that we are not afraid to stand against the tide of current popular consensus.

I only speak for myself, that taking drugs to control behaviour related problems seems all wrong to me, and detrimental to the body and soul. I would say the same thing on a diabetes forum if some where there wondering if they had diabetes, or if they needed insulin. I would say exercise and quit eating sugar to avoid the drugs. Same thing on a high blood pressure board. Exercise and lose weight, rather than to take drugs. Those that actually DID NOT try every other way imaginable to control the problem would not protest or argue that there were viable alternatives to the drugs.

Anyway, labeling normal human emotions as sick makes me sick, personally. There is no longer a norm for just being human. Just labels with drugs to match.

No wonder ADD may seem to be on the rise...people can't be human anymore, we have to be something else beyond it.



[This message has been edited by friend (edited 08-04-2003).]





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