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It is hard for me to sit down and write this because when I look back on my life, I never thought it would come to this. I was born and raised in a small town to young mother and father. My dad was a severe alcoholic and I think that it has led to me being an alcoholic myself.
When I was around 18 (I am 26 now), I started having serious bouts of depression. I wan't motivated to do anything. I didn't care about my college coursework (although I did it and got good grades). My social life was less than stellar and I was always in pursuit of the next guy I could mess around with.
I left my university to come back home to a community college. My stepdad had cheated on my mom and she was having a hard time dealing with it. I felt obligated to come home and help my mom and brother cope although she didn't make him leave. I love my mom, but she seems to dwell on negativity, which is not a good aura for someone who is battling depression. I stayed for the two years, finished community college with an associate's degree, and started planning the next phase of my life.

I signed up to go to a university about 100 miles away from my house. I then met a guy who I fell in love with. He was 23 and I was 20. I decided that I would stay home that semester and see how things would go with him. He had been married before and had a child and claimed to have only married the woman because of his family. Anyway, for the first three months everything was going great. He would buy alcohol and we would drink together. He would sneak me into a bar even though I was not of age to go in. I wasn't really drinking that much then, just on the weekends. We decided that we were both going to move to a town about 200 miles away and seek bachelor's degrees. I was working a minimum wage job and he was an LPN. Things were not good there because we would fight all of the time. I began drinking more. I could feel myself going down a path that I didn't want to be on. We were there for about three months when I received the phone call that my dad died. I came home, planned his funeral arrangements, got drunk, and headed back to the town where I was going to school. I finished up the semester there and then decided that I need to be back home so that I could get my life together.

My boyfriend came with me. We got a house, I enrolled in a closer, private university, but I continued to drink. He would drink too which led to bad fights. At one point he pushed me to the floor and started hitting me. I knew that we shouldn't be together, but I loved him, and nothing that anybody could have said to me would have convinced me otherwise.

He received a settlement from an abuse case that he had gone through as a kid. After he received the settlement from the attorney, we bought a house together. I kept drinking to deal with being in a very unhappy relationship, the death of my dad, and a very negative mother who never seemed to put focus on me.

My ex bought me tickets to go see a musical for Christmas. After the musical had ended, we went back to the hotel. I bought a six pack of beer and he bought a bunch of vodka. I had three beers and went to sleep while he continued to down the vodka he had bought. After waking up, I saw that he had been texting his ex and sending dirty pictures back and forth. I should have left him in the hotel, but we drove back home. I stayed for another three weeks, all the while, downing vodka until I would pass out. We got in a huge fight over the incident and I decided to leave.

Once we had split up, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to do anything but drink until I felt no more pain. He was with someone else within three weeks which really messed me up considering we had been in a relationship for four years.

I have not been the best person I can be. I am still depressed, anxious, and use alcohol to cope with the way that I am feeling. It has gotten better as I use to binge on vodka every couple of nights. Now, it is down to about once every two weeks. The problem is that the binges will last for days at a time and I haven't put my career as a priority.

I have been sober for nearly ten days and I have vowed to myself to remain this way. I am currently looking for jobs that pay better and I am hopeful that something will turn up.

I am unfulfilled, sad, and overall depressed. There must be some hope somewhere.





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