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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Hi everyone,
I haven't posted for a while, so most of you probably don't know me, but I have started coming back to the boards and lurking some more,just reading.I have been fighting my Ultram/opiate addiction for several years now,and just in the last 6-7 months have I finally made some serious attempts to detox and recover.But essentially my biggest obstacle has been fighting off the depression and grief from losing the father of my four children and best friend of 21 years to suicide this past January.I know time is supposed to heal, but I find myself continuing to spiral down and keep going back to the use of painkillers to numb this devastating emotional pain that just won't let me go.He was only 42,and such a handsome, good man.I just keep going over those last 48 hours of his life, and trying to come up with some kind of answers,ANYTHING to bring me some kind of relief, even just a little to this relentless anguish.I had interceded on December 22,02', acting on gut intuition,and found him lifeless but got him to the hospital in time. However, to my total astonishment, they released him a week later, and one week after that, I once again, acting on a gut feeling,rushed over to his place, only this time I was much too late, he had hung himself.All through this, I still continued to battle my addiction, knowing that now, if something happened to me, our children would be totally lost.A few weeks ago, I managed to detox myself at home,with the help of some Ativans,and for the first time in a long time, felt a little bit of light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.But, once again, after some even more devastating information was revealed to me about my children's dad's death, I absolutely fell completely down, and this time I'm not sure I really want to get back up.As it turned out ,their dad did try to save himself during his hanging( for lack of better terminology), as evidenced by massive clawing marks on his neck that was concealed by makeup at his wake.I want to scream,I want to throw myself off a F****** bridge,because I should of been at his place earlier,I should of NEVER EVER left him alone that day,in fact, it was the first day that I hadn't seen him since his first suicide attempt,because I had been such a pest to him, and I actually had to be in court that day, so I kept it in my head that I would get in touch with him later that day,and afford him a little time to himself. Bad, bad decision.And I know logically what everyone says to me, that if it didn't happen that day, it would of been some other day. I know logically maybe there wasn't anything I could of done.But on the other hand, I truly believe I could of prevented it. I should of been there, I should of met him at the mall that day like we always did.A slightly bittersweet addendum to all this was, he did not know that our 18 year-old daughter was pregnant with his grand child, as we withheld this information hoping to break the news when he was stronger-he was a very conservative man, with strong family values.So, he never got to witness this most absolutely blessed event that took place on April 19th, the birth of his grandson.And through all the tragedy, along with the stress of having my daughter become a mother at such a young age,our grandson's birth has actually been such a miracle and has brought so much joy into my life,I truly never expected to feel this way. I am so proud of my daughter, she is such a sweet, loving and kind person that has turned out to be an incredible mother,and God, how I wish her father was here.I miss him so, so much,he was my first and I think now ONLY true love of my life,and I was told once that we were twin souls. And, it really does feel like part of me is missing. I know that I am really rambling on, but I haven't had anyone to really vent to because I'm trying so hard to be strong for my children,and help them find some answers for themselves as to why their dad chose to take his life.Meanwhile, I really am still struggling to do battle against this evil disease we know as addiction,and pray for strength.I've read recently about a few others on this board who have also suffered recent tragic losses,and reading their posts provides me with some comfort,as I can identify with the pain and anguish of such unexpected loss. My heart and prayers truly go out to everyone on this board, who also have to overcome major struggles while battling an essentially and quite possible terminal disease that totally consumes us.I do thank God that this board is here, because it really has helped to just read and identify with everyone suffering the same kind of pain caused by our addictions. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read and let me vent, and God bless everyone of you.

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