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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Hi All. I want to forewarn you that this is going to be long. I'm bored, I'm in pain, television programs suck, not hungry and just want to *****, moan and groan as I know by tonite I'll be wrapped in the throes of big time w/d. Indulge me, if you will, while I bellyache about what you all have gone through already and understand. Forgive my silliness as I'm not all here. Ain't drug addiction grand? Well! since 1999 I found God one fine surgery when I was given morphine and a doggy bag full of pain meds. I'm in the medical admn. field so it was easy for me to score, along came forgery, two names, doc shopping, etc., and the only reason why I wasn't carted off to jail, sooner or later was because I found "the" doctor - an easy target with a trigger happy pen in hand issuing monthly scripts without having to see him. Since May of last year I lied to him and told him I had fibromyalgia for which he prescribed monthly scripts; (180 percs and/or 150 vicodin es) along with attn. def. syndome: (40 aderralls/amphetamines), couldn't sleep: (ambien or xanax) along with deep depression (Paxil). The depression part was for real, but the only antidepressant that worked for me I found in opiates! I soon threw away the Paxil. they didn't help me anyway. Years of sporatic love affairs with pot, alcohol, coke, shrooms, sleep meds, menthol cigarrettes. Never did any consistently let alone was lost in any. Until the surgery! And as Jack Nicholson said so emphatically (which pretty much describes my current world; 'The Shining')..... "Honey! I'M HOME!!" All the emotional pain, anger and boredom suddenly gone. I loved the world, loved people in general, loved my mother, my job, even myself! I got used to not thinking clearly and having no memory was no big deal. Vomitting blood and bleeding internally meant nothing to me - give me a pill! I'm good. Days of not eating, staying up till two every morning for the past year or so did't really give me that "tired - drugged out look" I was expecting. and even if it did, who cared? The day I got fired from my job I shrugged off with another handful and headed for mall or any store and amuse myself with any/everything - as long as I had had that buzz. I was doing up to fifteen percocets, and speed during the day and xanax at night. I (duh) realized I could have a problem so I checked into a rehab clinic and no sooner I got home I headed straight for my night table and swore they would be only for recreational purposes. (double duh). I was popping 25 percs throughout the day along with speed. I phoned this doctor and fessed up and told him I was having a problem and please give me another script because I went through 180 percs in less than a month .... he yelled a bit then called in 150 vicodin es's. We're off to the races again and life is good. This bottle of vics lasted 18 days and I curse myself and the person I gave a couple to when I realized I was down to five. I called doc, (logic finally kicking in) and he said, "see ya!". I, in a way, gave a sigh of relief. I no longer have medical insurance and can't afford detox clinic so I went to two NA meetings, the grocery store for juices and stuff, took my last pills and closed the curtains and am ready to weather this ordeal alone. I have had the usual w/d symptoms, but still no restless legs, migraine headaches yet and am glad I have a few xanax and ambien left for emergencies. I'm scared. I sometimes wish my boyfriend were here with me but we broke up four days ago this time being for sure, that's it, goodbye. BAd timing. Oh well. That was soon to happen too. I'll be looking for a job AND relationship here soon. Lucid. No meds. Facing reality and myself. Oh gawd. It amazes me how people find joy in themselves and life itself without numbing. Guess I'll find this out soon, too. I'm also scard my long seated depression will surely come back tenfold no doubt. Think positive I say. This SUX. Anyway, I do look I forward to waking up every day and appreciate the sunrise without drugs, to be able to go out without drugs, to be able to think clearly, too. I'll try to regain those friendships lost, now, I'm trying to get over the death of the only friend I had and still want - pain meds. I know, I'm starting to feel sorry for myself butcha'know, I'm going to give myself that luxury for I'll be needing to snap out of this pronto and dive into reality. Woohoo. I long to feel okay, no more pain, safe and calm. without drugs. I long for strength and the ability to finally trust in myself. Gotta get with it and pay bills (after I ask my mom for money - embarassing as it is). I haven't worked in six going on seven months, just isolated partying in my head. It's over. It honestly hurts more than my break up with my fiancee. What's up with THAT?
I'm grateful for not having kids, my choice. Mommie dearest for sure. Well, I think I'm done. I fear cross addiction, like food for instance. I have to get a grip and not seek instant satisfaction and start working on the baggage I left behind. And me. Thank you guys for being here. I'm glad I'm not alone and know you all know how painful in many ways this addiction is - and knowing there is only one way to stop - and that's to JUST STOP. As I type this I am beginning to feel the beginning of the restless limbs and am starting to sweat. Think I'll soak in the tub and accept that it's coming. Tra, la, la. S**t. Again. thanks for being here. take care.

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