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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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What have I done?
Jun 23, 2003
First let me say that I have been lurking here for quite sometime. It wasn't until 4 days ago that I finally had the courage and strength to say enough was enough and stop cold turkey from a very heavy and quite expensive vicodin, percocet and oxycontin addiction. It all started about 2 years ago with a trip to the dentist and walking out with 30 VicodinES's. Up until that day, I honestly had never heard of Vicodin and more importantly never tried it. Well it sure didn't take me long to go from Vicodin, to percocet and then to Oxycontin. I can't even begin to tell you all the money I have spent on these drugs because for the past year I have getting them illegally since all of my doctors and dentists figured out that I was addicted long before I did. To make a long story short I have been wanting to quit for some time now but didn't have the courage to. However, after reading so many of your posts and seeing that it can be done, I decided that I was through with it all and flushed the rest of my pills. As I watched those beautiful pills spin round and round a feeling of panic set in but it was quickly followed by a feeling of calm and relief. I knew I was done with this vicious cycle and that this was going to be the beginning of my new life or should I say my old life before pills came along. Now here's where I really need some support and advice. I ask you all to please not judge me too harshly although I know I deserve it. You see, I know the first rule to a successful recovery is to stay away from the people who you got the drugs from. But what do you do when the person who is your dealer is also your daughter? I am so ashamed of what I have done since I was the person that first introduced my 25 year old daughter to Vicodin. It wasn't intentional, I was helping her out because she had a bad toothache one day and I had given her a few to hold her over until she got to the dentist. Well her story is very similar to mine except for the fact she is taking much more than I ever did and aside from buying them illegally she is also selling them. And I was her biggest customer. I find myself now avoiding her phone calls because when I do talk to her I can tell she is on them and it depresses me. Not because I want them but because I know what a horrible habit she has and has no intention of stopping any time soon. I should note that her husband is also an addict and started the same time I did and my daughter did. Talk about keeping it all in the pathetic!! Now that I am seeing things clearly and not drugged up all day and night, I realize just how dangerous these drugs are and I am terrified for my daugher's health and life. I tried to approach her and talk to her about this but her response was less than kind and told me that I had no right to talk to her about anything since I was only clean 4 days and she's sure I will be calling her soon to buy pills. Well, I can tell you that she is dead wrong on that one as I never want to see another pill as long as I live. My only concern at this point is how do I maintain a relationship with my daugher yet stay away from the drugs? I'm just sick at what I've done but I know I can not change the past....only look forward to my future without pills. I have been so happy these last couple of days but the instant the phone rings and I hear my daughter's voice my mood instantly changes. Not only do I get depressed but I get so darn angry. I'm not sure if my anger is at her for not wanting to quit or at myself for letting things get so out of hand for as long as they have. Can someone please give me some advice as to what I should do? I should note that my husband doesn't know about any of this so I have no one to turn to at this point. I am so ashamed of what I've done but I also know that I would have never done it sober and clean. It is astounding what we will do all for the sake of a pill. Please can someone help me? I don't know where else to turn.

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