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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

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Congradulations on your upcoming 90 days. You have made a choice as to how you want to recover. This will require your attention and involvement.

Sponsorship is indeed a two way street. Relapse is the rule I am afraid.

Your sponsor has a very reasonable belief that an addict? alcoholic? who hangs around a user you will eventually use. Probally enough of them do use and it is very wise for you to know this.

I am also of a mind that you could remind her of this old adage: - Do not make any major changes other than dropping alcohol or drugs during the first year. Hang in there with what is happening and give it all a chance.

These are not contradictory. You just have a compounded problem situation and it puts you at more risk than it would be with a husband who is not using and is supportive. Know the risk. If you do you will know the need for very strong attendance at meetings and you may find it necessary to ask for help with your child to do this for a while.

I feel your sponsor cares for you in this circumstance that she is living with through you. She may feel you slipping away and wants to instill in you some of the information that worked for others in the past. If you do relapse then you may be more willing next time to follow the course of many long term sucesssful members.

I assume that you are trying to do 90 and 90 and are having a problem with that so she is trying to instill that as well. Yes, this is not easy when you have a family and especially when you have a family problem. Your family does not realize how important this for recovery. You need their understanding and help to do this most important thing for yourself and it will certainly benefit your child. Your family may consider you to be selfish because you are not giving them enough time, but in reality, you are not being selfish to your child and family by getting and staying clean a day at a time. It is hard for them to understand your needs. They need to help you with this if at all possible. Ask for suggestions at a meeting and ask you sponsor for help. Ask for people to help you with your child at a meeting.

So, I look at your sponsor as being very concerned for you.

Now, does everyone need 90 and 90? Does everyone need to be away from drug use? No. Some recover and do not use by just stopping one day. Some never went to treatment, like me. Some want to go the 12 Step route. Some want to use the medication assisted treatment MAT (like methadone, Buprenorphine, Naltrexone (for alcohol) route.

I also believe that new relationships in early recovery are pretty normal and they are dangerous to many. I always used to tell people that you do not have to use to get out of a relationship. This may apply to your situation one day. Get to a meeting and call your sponsor before that happens. If you are going to meetings you will increase your chance at staying clean a lot because you will be there anyway.

In my case, relationships were a big problem, so I tried for many years to stay out of them. I remember when I was approaching one yaer without a date and my sponsor said "What makes you think you are going to be OK at a relationship after just one year. I chose to follow this advise and it did me a lot of good.

My very best to you and your family. Your staying clean/sober? may help you husband come to his own need for stopping. But, this is not a thing to be concerned about in early recovery. Take care of yourself. This is not a selfish although some will think so.

Relapse is a big thing on the outside but a small thing on the inside. You can come back right away anyway. Try to get this the first time.


[This message has been edited by varnua (edited 07-17-2003).]

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