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Lucky, please don't put yourself down--I read every word you write with extreme interest--I probably owe it to you that my life is already so much more sane than it was even a week ago, when I first phoned an addictionologist and attended my first NA meeting...

Started on the suboxone Friday night. I guess there's a part of me that feels like I'm "cheating" still, because there's a part of me that thinks I deserve to therefore SHOULD be suffering without the hydrocodone that has been the focus of my life for the past five or eight years...

And I know that with the suboxone I'm not yet "home free" by any means. But I AM so grateful to have a clear head with which to ponder my recovery, one free from obsession, one with significantly reduced guilt... I'm thankful that I can begin to learn how to live my life NOT HIGH. I'm thankful that a $45 copay covers all I need for my addiction for the next month... Instead of being worried about coming up with the THOUSAND or more that I might normally spend...

I'm having trouble opening up at the meetings I'm attending. For one thing I'm worried that when I DO begin to try to share, that I'm just going to melt into one big ball of tears, and I guess I'm just not ready to be that vulnerable to a bunch of strangers...

So maybe sharing some here could be a bridge to sharing there? Let's see...

I was a major pothead for about ten years before being introduced to vicodin, which I received for about five years for FREE by virtue of a friend who worked in a pharmacy. Still cannot believe that for about five years after that, that I was able to keep my intake to three to five a day, maybe because I knew I could only get 100 every three weeks or so? But thank God for that, since at that time they were the 10/650s, so that had I escalated then to where I was last week, at over twenty a day, I might not be here now, still with a functioning liver anyway...

But that supply ceased, and was eventually replaced with online pharmacies, which was eventually replaced with another person, all of which cost mega bucks. And what was really bad was that when I'd run out of my regular stuff, I'd spend two or three hundred dollars for a two day supply of oxycontin, so the whole money thing is just maddening. I just hope and pray God can forgive me for all the theft and deceit that went along with that... I pray about it every day...

I had actually detoxed myself, with the help of a Chinese medicine doctor over a three-day weekend, before discovering that I was pregnant. Looking back on it I can see how a force greater than me was really pushing me at the time to give it up. But just the THOUGHT of going to work that following Tuesday morning caused me to want to use, so I did. But I was soooo frustrated because by then I figured it must be all in my head because I had quit for three days with minimum withdrawal symptoms, although I did spend the entire time in bed... But anyway I had actually made an appointment with a hypnotherapist before throwing up that morning. And I had been suspiciously throwing up several times the previous week, but I thought it was a bug or something. See I had received the birth control shot, but little did I know they had failed to give me a PREGNANCY TEST FIRST! Anyway I got a test and learned I was indeed pregnant, called the hypnotherapist and cancelled my appointment, and stayed free from the pills until about one or two months before I delivered, at which point I began "dabbling" in them again. I smoked pot every day inbetween the pill free days, btw. Oh I justified taking them again when I did with the rationale that doctors DO prescribe them to pregnant women, after all!! And I WAS VERY BLESSED AND LUCKY, I mean THANK YOU GOD for protecting my beautiful baby who I put at risk, and please forgive me for doing so. By the time she was born I was playing that "I'm quitting tomorrow" game, but AFTER she was born her father left six weeks later, and THAT'S when my use just went totally through the roof. Not an excuse, just what happened.

I so wish now that I had entered recovery when I was first pregnant and pill-free. Maybe I wouldn't have resumed when I did. Thankfully I have the brightest, most beautiful (and I'm not exaggerating folks--everyone who sees her cannot believe their eyes!) baby you could ever want to see, and I'm really a very good mother where attending to her developmental needs are concerned. Now my goal is to get and stay clean and sober to be an example to her, since she has two addicts for parents and is therefore EXTREMELY predisposed to the madness of addiction herself. (Her father started drinking again after she was born which is one reason our life together went down the tubes.)

Anyway, I don't know if I'm one of those who will have to be on something for the rest of my life or not. Right now I'm just focusing on the basics of recovery, getting to know myself not stoned, and trying, TRYING to get to know others, since one of my biggest problems is extreme isolation... And always keeping in the back of my mind that a suboxone tapering process is forthcoming...

In case you're wondering I take 32mg in morning and another 8 mg in the afternoon or early evening currently, which is a LOT compared to anyone else here I think...

Oh I'm thirty four and my baby is seven months. I work in family business in industry and live next to parents and grandparents who I'd rather not know about this but with whom I am otherwise very close. I have two dogs and three cats, and a degree in early childhood education. I'm wondering what God wants me to do with my life once my recovery is well underway...

[This message has been edited by Jeffie010603 (edited 08-12-2003).]





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