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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

I am 35 years old have a wife of 10 years and a 2 year old son. I have a good job as a sales rep and own a home. I have ruined it all over pot. I can't explain it myself. Pot is not that big a deal, right? I've been to rehab, gone to 12-step meetings, taking anti-depressants, seeing a therapist, my wife threatning to leave and she means it. WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP SMOKING??!!! I can stop for a little while, but within two weeks I'm back at it. the longest clean time I have ever been to put together it 57 days, 28 of those were in rehab. I know, I haven't hit my bottom. Maybe that it the case. I've suffered through very severe depressions in the past and made an attempt to kill myself, I just don't know if I can handle the bottom. It breaks my heart to look at him and think that he'll not have a father. I'me sure my wife would find someone but that look in his eye just breaks my heart everytime. When I'm straight things usually get better, but every time after 2-3 weeks pass, I'm calling old friends. I know, I can't associate with old friends, I also have to be abstinante and I can't seem to handle that either. I am stoned just about 24/7. It greatly limits my contributions at work and is destroying a 10 year marraige and 15 year relationship. It's not even so much the pot anymore, it's the money, the lies, the distance, the lack of ambition. She just can't take it anymore, and I don't blame her! I say over and over again that this is the last time but I really see the last time as being when I finally put a bullet in my head and end the suffering. I know they will suffer in the short term, but will probably be better off in the longterm. I've still got the gun. I don't know what to do.

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