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eeyore,

I really like your thread and thank you so much for sharing your feelings and concerns. For me that is a big part of the process of recovery. Unveiling yourself you might say. Letting people know what we as addicts are really feeling. A whole new thing from the world boozing and using.

I have posted several times in this forum with little response buts thats ok I am not here for any recognition. I am here to share my experience ,strength and hope with other addicts. I post when I feel I have something to add to in a thread.

I want to share with you the last 6 months of my active addictions. This is something I wrote on Feb. 28 2003. That is my sobriety date. I celebrated 21 years done "one day at a time". I also want to share with you that I was booze and narcotic free 100% until Nov.1997. I had a industrial accident that I have had several surgeries (cervical fusion) that was semi successful and I do take narcotics from time to time {b]as prescribed for real pain monitored and controlled by my wife[/b]. I will tell you this if I hadn't had all the time AA and NA and the change in the way I think and view the world there is no way I could do that monitored or not. I had a hard time making the decision to let the docs medicate me.I fought with them tooth and nail because of the vicious pit of hell I came from. I was so scared of what I might do. I said all that to say this I have come to believe that I am still medically clean because I use my meds as prescribed for legit pain. I do not cheat or double dip with the docs. I am in no way not an addict anymore . I am an addict that has learned a new way of thinking and living in this world thanks to the 12 step programs of AA and NA. Here is what I wrote as I promised. Please forgive me for such a long post.

"copy"
(About 6 months prior to Feb 28, 1982)

After saying I am sorry and I was really going to change this time for what seemed like a million times my beloved bride of 7 years and intermediate family had finally thrown their hands up and told me they loved me but they wanted nothing to do with me until I found help and changed my life and proved to them that I was doing so. I would not acknowledge that I was crushed and devastated to to say the least. You see my family loved me so much through the years they had actually been enabling me by always picking up the pieces and devastation I left behind. When I share my story I usually refer to it as they loved me so much they almost killed me. Then the day came I left them no choice they had to let me go. Even before that I had stooped to levels and depths I would never dreamed possible to come from me in my love/hate relationship with drugs and alcohol. I can still feel the horrible pain as I placed my luggage in the bed of my pickup truck and I got in to drive away. I remember that long ride to town and the feeling that my heart was going to break into. The closer I got to town the hurt started to change to anger. I started to think to hell with them all and I didn't need them anyway, My life seemed to work that way if you got in my way I would then deny that I needed you and shove you to the side and say I don't need you anyhow. After I got to town I went to my favorite watering hole and let the good times begin to drown out my sorrows. At that time in my life I had many so called friends out in the world. I was da man, I had a good job, a side business, owed 3 houses, plenty of money, access to the best drugs around and was willing to share with my friends. Needless to say I had plenty of friends then. When I walked in it was like a scene from the TV show Cheers instead of everybody looking up and saying "Hi Norm" it was my name there were calling out with glee. For they all knew the party was on and Kenny was paying. By the end of that 6 months when I walked in they would turn their heads away from me and the bartender would offer to give me $20 and to go drink somewhere else. You see I had went through all my money and they no longer wanted to put up with me and my insane behavior. The first night that I was thrown out of my home after I got to town and got wasted and I picked up on a honey. The first thing I said to her was I am a drunk and a drug addict what you want to do. She smiled great big and said lets party. You see I did not want to be alone. I stayed with her till Feb.28, 1982. All the while in a crazy downward spiral to the lowest pit in Hell itself.



Feb 28, 1982 The last day

I was coming out of a blackout the sun was coming up I was sitting on the floor of Sarah's apartment. As I looked a round the room everything was broken or smashed and Sarah was nowhere to be found. In my own mind I thought to myself I must had killed her after all I had told her I was going to many times before while I was in a drunken drug crazed stupor. I sat there for hours just staring into space. For the first time I truly had the courage to kill myself I just didn't have a gun or the bullets. I wholly realized that I truly was alone and that there was no one for me not to need anymore for I had pushed them all out of my life. After what seemed like an eternity someone opened the door of the apartment. It was Sarah and an old drug buddy of mine. I thanked God that I had not harmed her. She had Jim with her I had not seen him in a couple of years. He was the guy I used to look at when we were partying that would be passed out with a needle hanging out his arm and a fifth of Jack Daniels in the other. I would look at him shake my head in disgust and think to myself what a waste of human flesh if I ever got as bad as him I would just off myself. Jim walk over to me and was smiling and says Kenny I want to tell I am clean and sober and have been over a year. I will tell you about how it can be done only if you really want to do it. I said yes Jim tell me I just can't do this anymore and cried uncontrollably. Let me you tell you Jim talked to me for hours and to this day I can not remember but I few words he said. What really happened was Jim was carrying a big message just by being there. You see I knew where he had been and to what depths he had sank.That was where I was now and that he looked so happy. That he had found a way out and he gave me that little spark of hope that there is a way and that just maybe I could do this too because he did. I was so scared but I knew something was different time. Jim did not give me a chance to change my mind. He made a phone call loaded me up in his pickup drove me a 100 miles to a treatment center.While I was in there it all started to click for me I found my God once again and turned my life over to Him and was willing to face what come. As for Sarah she moved on while I was in treatment and found somebody not as wild and crazy as me. Jim contacted my wife and family. They slowly come back into my life. God has been with me all along and watching over me. Over the years God has put back in my life all that I had threw away as I could handle it, be me trying to live for Him to the best of my ability. So my friends today is a very special day for me and I wanted to share it with you. God bless you all

Feb. 28, 2003
"end of copy"

I really want to say that the years and the struggles all people have with life clean or not has been worth the effort to stay clean and sober all these years. I am still active in AA an NA to this day so I have to give credit where it is due. In my case anyway that is how it works for me. Just to give an example, just because I am clean and sober all my problems are not gone. In this last year I have have some devastating things happen to me and my family. My oldest daughter had twins and we lost Anna 48 hours before her birth because her cord become crushed somehow and shut off her oxygen supply. She is survived by her brother Grant which is a joy and Anna lives on thur her brother. I have had colon problem. I had a shoulder surgery they fixed my shoulder but during surgery something happen with the clamp that they stabilized my arm at the elbow so while they fixed my shoulder,they crushed nerves in my forearm that effects my thumb, index finger, and left noticeable apathy in my forearm. I have only half the strength in my arm I should have. I just had corrective surgery for that. I have been off work since March 13 and another 8 to 10 weeks to go for a simple shoulder surgery and should of been back to work a few weeks after the surgery thus no income since then. Those are only a few significant things that have happened to me this year. I tell you about these things not to make you feel sorry for me but to share with you that no matter what happens in ones life with a recovery program of ones choosing and applying it to your life, then if one really walks like they talk, we can live life on life's terms and more importantly be happy doing so.

Eeyore you asked so I just let it flow. BTW I have been reading your posts. From what I have read you are going to meetings. In my experience that was and is the key for me. Not only has helped me and my family so much thur the years I would have to say that is the main reason I have the longevity I do. I just keep coming back like they say to do and then take what I need to hear and leave the rest. Then I pass it on when the situation arises. All the best to you and yours.





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