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Hi Lane, I really feel for you and I so completely understand what you are going through right now. My husband and I went through the same thing together and I don't really like to compare habits because anytime you are doing something that interferes with your life this much it is a bad thing, but my husbands drug use always did way surpass mine and I can remember trying really hard to clean up my act and him just lying to me all the time about what he was doing and you know when they are using, you know what I mean? But, he would lie until the bitter end, until he was caught right dead in the act with the needle in his arm, you know? It is tiring and it hurts and it does absolutely nothing to help you to get clean. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much and I know that he was sick because I truly do believe that addiction is a disease -but we can stop it and we can get it under control. What is your husband doing? Are you guys taking just the pills or are there other things? Methadone did not work for my husband - but he also did not work the program the right way. He continuted to get high while he was there. Ultimately, it took going to prison to make him get clean - and he's been there for 2 and a half years now with possibly 5 or 6 to go. It's hard and it sucks but in many ways it is the best thing that could have happened because it saved his life. But, that's another story all in itself. You know, I will say this though - because there are so many horror stories about coming of meth. When he went to jail he came off 90 mg. cold turkey of course and he really didn't feel that bad. I mean he didn't feel great or anything but it wasn't anywhere near as severe as it was when he would lay here at home and be dope sick. Sometimes he would go 2 or 3 days at at time trying to quit everything but he always went back to it. He was on the methadone for about 6 monthes, which isn't a real long time, but still it does lead you to believe that there is a big part of it that is mental. Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a huge part that is physical because there is! But, I do think that your frame of mind has a lot to do with how you handle it. The depression can drive you insane. But, I think because he knew that he wasn't going to get anything in jail that it made it a little bit easier - because at home when you're laying there sick like that it's just too easy when you know exactly where to go and get it and stop the misery, you know what I mean? I've been in a methadone program for about 3 years now and there is good and bad in everything. For me, I couldn't seem to find a way to stop the pills (lortab, vikes, and snorting heroin for a while) any other way. I battled with it for 5 or 6 years and I have three children and I just couldn't keep going down that road, you know? So, I think sometimes for some people when all else fails than maybe methadone is worth a try. I think the main thing that methadone accomplishes is it stops you from being sick and so it gives you time to get your head together. Alone, methadone will not work - you have to get some kind of counseling or go to NA Meetings, maybe come to these boards or something because if you just go and drink the methadone every day than I guess it is kind of like trading one addiction for another. ( although when it is used to manage pain it is a totally different thing). I do know at the clinic that I go to they have dose caps and the doctor does not real easily give increases. They actually push for reducing your dose with the ultimate goal of being completely off. Not all clinics are like that. I'm not telling you that I think you should get on methadone because if you can do it without it I think you are much better off. I just think that it should remain an option for people who can't seem to get off any other way. Methadone has saved my life in many ways because it has given me the chance to be more productive - work, go to school, take care of my children the way they should be taken care of, but at the same time I sometimes feel like my husband is in a better place than I am mentally because he is completely drug free and I can't remember what that feels like and I would like to. Im sorry this is so long - I just really feel for you. I know how hard it is and I can hear how frustrated you are right now. Hang in there and just go about your own business like you seem to have been doing. You can't stop what your husband does - but you can take care of yourself. Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Sue
Bookmiser,
My heart broke when I read your post. I can only imagine the pain a parent feels when their child is addicted. My "baby boy" turned 23 this month, he's an only child and I have never had to worry about him and drugs. He has pretty much gone the straight and narrow path and I am thankful everyday that he was not a wild child like I was or am. What I can relate to with what you said is the part about enabling. I have to admit I've enabled my son in other areas. It doesn't matter what it is you're enabling...the fact remains you enable them beyond what you know is "right."

When my son's father died 3 1/2 years ago it devasted both of us. Although I had been divorced from his dad for over 10 years he was my best friend in the world. My son was 19 at the time and to ease his pain he dabbled in alcohol a little too much. I didn't enable him with that and all I could do was watch him and tell him alcohol was not the way to ease his pain. My son decided he "needed" to open his own business with what little money his dad left him, actually my son bought the business he was working for at the time. I was against it because my son was NOT mature enough or ready to handle that kind of responsiblilty but with my husbands help (sons stepfather) he did it anyway. Needless to say I was cast in the role of helping him since he didn't have the money to hire anyone. In the three years his shop has been open I have financially ruined my husband and myself to keep "my baby's" dream open.

This is where my enabling came in. The business should have folded two years ago. Even though I knew I should have just let it follow whatever course was meant to be...I couldn't. It's hasn't taught him anything useful, if anything it's taught him all the wrong things. Does he appreciate me for it? Heck if I know, we see each other everyday, fight all the time over how sh*t should be done, etc... That "child" is my life and would do ANYTHING for him regardless of what the consequences are to me. I have worked with him for three years and never drawn a paycheck...just dipped in my pockets and would continue to do this until I'm no longer alive.

The stress has been INCREDIBLE on me so from time to time I indulge myself in whatever my drug of choice is at the moment. I know a lot of people don't agree with this statement but I do believe in "casual" use. I can do coke for a few days then don't touch the stuff for another year. I've never done needles or anything like that. If I had to pick my "favorites" it would be speed and pain medication. I hadn't smoked pot for over 10 years. Use to smoke it heavy in high school then quit for good around 35 yrs. old. Then because I have chronic severe insomina I thought I'd try it again to see if it would help me sleep. Nope, didn't help me sleep, just made me horny.

The stress this last year has really started to get to my son. He knew that I was a wild child of the 70's and I've never lied to him about any drugs I did in high school, etc. He was really against drugs of all kinds and anyone who smoked pot no matter how little they smoked were considered "Pot Heads" by him. Then one day him and a friend hanging around the shop were talking about pot. My son said he'd like to try it just once and see what it did. I like to have fainted since he was sooooo against it. He didn't know I had started smoking it again at night (didn't want him to think his mother was a pothead although if he would have had reason to ask me I wouldn't have lied). This conversation went on for days about him trying it, when I really saw he was serious about it I told him I had a joint he could try. He was just going to get one of the guys who comes around the shop to get him one. I didn't want that since I don't trust anyone and what they might have laced it with. At that time it was a big thing around our town to get pot from someone and it be laced with different sh*t. Then it was my son's turn to freak..."what are you doing with a joint?"

We ended up smoking it together. All I have to take is two hits and I'm relaxed. I HATE getting stoned, makes me feel stupid, two hits and my stress is better, three hits and I'm stoned. Anyway, my son did NOT get stoned the first time he smoked so he thought the stuff was no big deal. I had never heard of anyone not getting stoned the first time, didn't know what to make of that. Several weeks later he smoked with someone else and got stoned. Ever since that time he now smokes pot several times a week AFTER work. That's his choice for stress relief, he doesn't do anything else and hardly ever drinks anymore. I haven't smoked weed in over 6 months now.

I use to beat myself up for "introducing" my son to pot thinking OMG...what kind of mother am I? I've started my baby smoking pot. I know a lot of people look at it that way too and would say how terrible and irresponsible I was for doing that. I've decided that I can't continue to beat myself up for that because he was going to do it with or without me plus I do thank heaven that is the only drug he uses to relieve his stress and I know my son, he has no desire to dabble in anything else. Unlike myself, my doc right now is Lortab 10's, I usually take 3 sometimes 4 a day and pray that I don't feel the need to take more than that.

I'm so sorry that I started rambling. Goodness, I only started this post to say how my heart broke for Bookmiser. More than half my post was not on the subject. I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I've never "confessed" my guilt over the pot thing.

Rambling...that's also what LACK OF SLEEP will do to you! [img]http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/yawn.gif[/img]





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