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Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Addiction & Recovery Board Index


Hey everybody. I have been doing a lot of pondering on my addiction to the OxyContin & Percocet. So much so that I am finding it very hard to concentrate on my studies. This addiction is consuming every part of my thoughts and actions. I had mentioned that I spent over three hours in pursuit of Percocet to keep as a 'stash' since my mother took away my OxyContin. I went to my OS and said the OC was giving me severe migraines, which they were, and if I could go onto something else(I had Percocet in mind, of course...). He did suggest the Percocet, and he asked what doseage I would like to go on to, and I said I did not care, at least I was off the OCs. He did write me a script for the Percs, and I went to a whole new pharmacy just to get them filled. God, I feel so horrible about this.I am just waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me. I suprise myself more and more with this addiction. I was so desperate that I didn't care. Now I do. I have read every one of everybody's posts to me on the last topic, and you all have given me such insight into what is going to eventually kill me. But why don't I think of those things when I am doing the things that I have done? This addiction has consumed me, and spark, I feel you are right about the taper - it won't work. But I can't go CT, I just can't. Missing medical school is just impossible. I have been thinking about Suboxone or Methadone, but do they help with real pain issues as well? I fear they won't help my knee pain, which [b]is[/b] real, but I am also so afraid of being without these pills. They are slowly destroying my life, but I can't stand to be without them. What an oxy moron. [i]I'm[/i] a moron. I [i][b]DO[/i][/b] want to stop this evil addiction, but everyday it seems less and less possible. I want to be there for my patients, my fiancÚ, and my future children. Today, I have taken three chewed 10 mg OxyContins and 6 Percocets. I am sure more will be taken later, because I have no self control over these pills. It's so amazing how an inatimate object can have such force and power over you than most people do. Everyday I hate this more & more, but I still get deeper and more desperate. David won't be home until tomorrow, so I won't be able to talk to him until tomorrow. We love each other so much, but it will be unbearable to see how heartbroken he will be about this. I thought I was better than this, but I guess when it comes to prescription drug addictions, anyone is game. But [i]I[/i] want to win it, and that is seeming less and less likely.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop
I know what you mean, OBXBoy, about feeling so tired, so drained with all of the time and energy spent into worrying about whether your dr. will write another script, if insurance will cover it, what people will think, how long the pills will last you, if you can stretch the amount until you can get another script, what excuse you'll use this time, etc., etc. I find it just drains more and more of myself down the tube. And thank you for acknowledging that I truly DO want to get off of these pills, because I honestly do, even though it may not seem like it from my actions. I feel almost like I have multiple personalities, because some of the things I have said & done to get pills does not sound like me at all. I know I haven't reached bottom yet, but at the rate I am going, it is not far off! I just could not let myself try to "treat" patients when I am buzzed on the pills. That is such an enormous disservice to my patients and the medical profession. Yet, I feel as if I cannot function 'properly' without them. A lot of research would have to go into finding a Suboxone doctor, and I barely have time to sleep. But I will make time. I am just concerned that the Suboxone won't work on my [i]real[/i] pain, which is definitely there. My signature explains my case history, albeit short, pretty well. I will, for sure, need a total knee arthroplasty in less than ten years. Then I will be given pills again...and I can see what will happen already. The pills help greatly with my knee pain, but I also foolishly joked that "they didn't specify exactly what pain to take it for: physical, mental, or emotional". Before, I used to shun addicts as 'lowly' people who had no respect for themselves. I do have pride and respect for myself and my accomplishments; I also relate now to 'those addicts', because I am one of them. I always was fed the image of an addict being a "shady, wild, and unethical person". Not true. Everyone on this board comes from different classes, nationalities, families, religions, genders, and all sorts of other various classifications. I know quite a few other addicts who are also doctors that I respect enormously. I am also seeing a lot more smart kids trying drugs to help them in school. I feel if I do indeed beat this addiction, somehow in some way, I will have a lot of insight into things of this nature as an orthopaedic surgeon that I wouldn't have had before. First hand experinces of things are the only way to truly gain a perspective and understanding of how and why someone may act or think a certain way.

Lila's Mom ~ I am praying for you, honey! I know how incredibly hard it is to get access to a Suboxone doctor, and I just pray more will pop up here. I love this city with all of my heart. Of course, I'd love it more if the Red Sox made it to the World Series, but hey, we'll take the Yankees' butts getting whipped, huh? ;) I had to throw some humour in there just to break such a serious topic. I am buzzed right now as I type this. I, too, have gone through withdrawls on serveral occasions, one of which was about 2+ weeks ago, and the longest span of time I have ever gone without narcotics, being 10 days. During that time, I have never felt less lethargic, less crappy physically & mentally, and just less, if you get my meaning of that. However, at the end of that span of time, I did feel my mental cloudiness and lethargy finally drifting away. Although I did have my severe knee pain at full roar, it was nice to be able to function, normally, without any pills as a prerequisite in doing so. I, too, have thought about methadone, but I'm not sure; I need to do a lot of research into these things. I absolutely adore medical school, and applying for residencies in orthopaedic surgery is just getting me more and more excited. I am finally beginning to start where I have wanted to be for over 10 years, but an addiction is testing that track. My fiancÚ has been my rock ever since I met him. He is so concerned and caring about this, and he recognizes that addiction is a disease. He has yet to come home tonight, and I do intend to talk with him, yet again, about my malevolent actions. I won't be able to see the pain in his eyes when I tell him about this. But I need to, for my own sake and sanity.
LiLa's Mom, please keep me updated about your daughter. I really pray she can come through this a stronger woman. How do you feel, yourself, about what is happening with your daughter? Please, feel free to post here with any concerns or questions. I, as well as others, will always be here to help you. This is a very destructive disease, and very rarely is it seen as one. My blessings are to you.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop
Ed,

I know a decision for my problem won't be easy to make. It will probably be the hardest one I will ever have to make. I see life without the pills as so wonderful and heavenly; but at the same time, I am so afraid to go even a day without them.

I have very severe damage to my articular cartilage in my patello-femoral joint in the knee. So much so, that in less than ten years I will, for certain, have no cartilage left, and hence, need a knee arthoplasty(Total Knee Replacement). I also have what is called Patello-Femoral Malaignment, which is medical lingo for a malaligned kneecap. AND I also have something called Patella Alta, which is where the kneecap is set very high in the knee. It is so high, in fact, that in my MRIs you can see the patella [i]in[/i] the quadricep area.

I know what you mean about loving the pain meds. Like I posted before, I jokingly 'justified' my use by saying, "Hey, they didn't specify what pain [i]exactly[/i] to take the pills for." I know that whenever I may see a pill bottle for narcotics of anyone else around, I will be very, very tempted. You are right - that little rectangle for a doctor's signature to get the pills makes it "justified" in some way, like someone else agrees to your use, someone important. I am unsure of what route I will take exactly as of this moment for treatment, but I will leave the most radical ones for last, which hopefully will not need to be utilized. OxyContin is way too easy to get. I have heard so many stories floating around in school and in the hospital about people and their OC use. I hate being "bossed around" or having someone else try to control me. Doctors are very self-reliant people, and it is hard for people of a nature like that to be out of control of themselves. I feel like I am in [b]more[/b] control of myself when I am on the meds, but I know honestly that just isn't true.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[This message has been edited by OCPercOS (edited 10-27-2003).]
Thank you for your incredible story, Stacey. You must be so strong now as a result of what you hve been through. I pray for you to heal completely from all of your ordeals. My fiancÚ has been very understanding about my problem, which I have now finally admitted to its severity. I just got a bottle of Percocet, of 60 5/325 mg pills on Friday night, and they are already more than halfway done already. They are "supposed" to last for two weeks, but I can already forsee that as a 'yeah right' sitauation. But everytime I tell myself, "Okay, we'll only take such and such a day to last me to then..." it never works. It actually makes me take more and more. I have the bottle sitting right here on my lap, and I am waiting to get access to water of some kind to take 5 pills. I was "better" with what I took of the Percocet before the OxyContin; now, I take a good 8, 9, even 10 a day now. I chewed all three 10 mg OC's this morning and swallowed them. It is just so routine to me, like it's no big deal. I actually went to the local library and took out a book entitled "Prescription Drug Addiction: The Hidden Epidemic". It's quite good of what I have read so far. From the snippets I have read of the book, everything in there hits home in some way, shape, or form. I knew I was an addict, but seeing it on paper in front of your own eyes just scares me a bit. I read a part where a doctor will ask a drug-addicted patient of his, "Are you having fun?" It's not fun at all. I hate seeing myself like this and dishonoring the people I care most about and laying my morals and goals aside just for a high.

~Stella

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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop

[This message has been edited by OCPercOS (edited 10-28-2003).]
Hey Ed!

It looks as if you are taking good strides in what you are doing. I feel so happy for you - that is great. How am [i]I[/i] doing? Could be better. I only have 15 Percocets left from the 60 I got on Friday night. This is just so bad. I take 5 at a time now! I never used to do that before the Oxy's came into my life. I am now looking at online pharmacies with lust in my eyes - but I know better. I have located a place where I could buy however many I want of Percocet, OxyContin, Vicodin - whatever - at the same time. I am just being tugged to-&-fro about this. I do know medically that addiction is a disease; my conscience says otherwise. And other people, as well as the law, do not treat it as a disease either.

And to answer your question: Not at all! Everyday I just feel more and more horrible about myself. The stuff I have done and the lies I have told have suprised me so much. I have lied to so many people that I care about it sickens me, literally. And the depression from that makes me go back for more. I hate all of the energy I expend on getting pills and worrying if they'll last, et cetera, et cetera.I am still trying to assess what route I should take for getting help. It's hard to decide. I want the easiest path, but with something like this, that just doesn't happen.

Ed, let me know how your appointment goes for you tomorrow. I hope everything goes well!

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop
Hi Ed!

From the way you wrote you message you sound as if you are in medical school as well. Are you? If so, what year are you? What are you looking at for specialties? Sorry to be nosey, but I love talking with fellow medical students about their experiences, motivation for becoming a doctor, etc. Of course, I am a 4th year at Boston University School of Medicine. I am currently applying to orthopaedic residencies, most of which are in the Boston area, but some are in the NY/NJ area as well. I am the most excited I have ever been, but this addiction is eating at me. A few people have noticed, like when I was in my OB/GYN rotation, how often I'd pop some pills. Now everyone knows about my orthopaedic problems and how much pain I am in, so they figure I am having breakthrough pain and just shrugged it off. But now, I have had 2 other med students & close friends in the past 5 months talk to me about their concerns with the pills. I knew if I took the offensive, they would confirm their beliefs. So I just sat, listened, and came up with intricate excuses to deter them from their suspiscions. I thought, "I know they care about me, but why can't they realize i [b]DO[/b] have real pain that I need to take these medications for?" Uh-oh - I see something in that sentence now that I should have picked up on before: the word [i]need[/i]. I don't NEED the meds to live, but somehow I feel as if I do. It's what gets me up in the morning and keeps me going through the day. It's my anti-depressant, my painkillers, my sleeping pills, and just my "gas", if you will. I still feel as if addiction [i]is[/i] a personal weakness and not a disease. I know better medically, but that stigma is still there. I DON'T want to hit the wall; I cannot afford to lose everything I have worked so hard for for so long. Like right after surgery and a joint is immobilized, you try to move it and it is nearly impossible. But with physical therapy, it gets better and stronger. I feel that way about my addiction and how taking action & getting into recovery will affect it. It is justso incredibly hard to make that first muscle move.

~Stella


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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop
Oh, do I know I whine too much! And no, I'm not mad at all of your posts, just a little shocked, if you will. I know I try to 'justify' my pill popping, but isn't that what addicts do? I have decided to stick with the taper plan for the time being, and if things do indeed get worse, then I will go to rehab if need be. And to be frank, NO, I will not let my patients be "strung out" on narcotics for their orthopaedic problems. I have learned from my actions and behaviors so far how bad addiction really is, and I think I have an [i]advantage[/i] in that. My ideal goal is to be entirely clean by the beginning of my residency(July 1st). David said he would help me in any way possible, which makes me feel a lot better. I will be in over $100,000 of debt by the time I graduate; however, in Boston, orthopaedic surgeons have the ability to make upwards of $500,000 or more. My husband will be making upwards of $800,000 or more, so the debt can be paid off rather easily. I'm not concerned about the money aspect; I just want to be able to fulfill my dream of doing this. I am trying to be honest with myself(trust me, I have come very far compared to a few months ago), but habits die hard for me. Humans are creatures of habit and they are shown to provide a "security blanket" type effect. It is inherent in humans not to want to give up old habits. If it were only so easy to just drop them. I know I may whine a bit, and I AM trying to find a way out. There are so many options to consider or not consider. If anyone else were going to medical school and doing 4th year rotations, applying for residency, doing interviews, and trying to learn how to heal the human body besides that and your personal life, I think quite a few people would whine. I have seen many fellow students just break down and cry from the stress. I take my education very seriously, and no matter what may be thrown at me, I do it. I want what I want. I have had this dream since I was 15 years old, and my drive and determination has gotten me where I am now. I have no ambition? Hell I do! Do I want to become clean? Yes! Like I said, I want what I want, and when something comes in my way of getting it, I fight it and knock it to the ground. And I keep on going to my goal until [b]I get it[/b].

~Stella



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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop
I just wanted to comment that I am [b][i]NOT[/b][/i] going into the medical field to become rich. I want to genuinely help people because I have been through so many experiences in the medical field/orthopaedics that has driven me to do this. I know a lot of people who have gone into medicine for the money, and none of them survive. It is not enough of a motivator to get through the 36 hour residency shifts or the all nighters studying for the Gross Anatomy exam you have the next day. It really makes me mad when people assume I just am in it for the money. If I wanted money, I would have written a book or something. I have had a very deep love of medicine since I was very little, as I have been surrounded by it my entire life. I knew most musculoskeletal anatomy by the time I was 17. I volunteered in Level I trauma center. I volunteered in a physical therapy clinic. I even read orthopaedic journals and books in my teens. I have a deep and intense passion for medicine, and when people say I am motivated by money, it gets me very agitated.

~Stella

P.S. - I intend to be [i]clean[/i] by July 1st, if not before. My taper will be shorter than that, and can allow for rehab, counseling, etc. if needed. David, my fiancÚ, and I came up with this plan. Every person is different in their needs for recovery, like there are different body shapes. This has been molded [i]to me[/i], and may work better for me than another.



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Medical Student, 4th year(senior) - Boston University Medical School - Applying for Orthopaedic Surgery residency

3 Knee Surgeries - Lateral Retinacular Release, Maquet Procedure, & Arthroscopic Debridement

Unable to walk correctly(limp), very small ROM, 2-3 hrs. of sleep each night due to pain, knee gives out, crunches, clicks, pops, grinds, et cetera...

Physical Therapy 7 times - Best Friend is PTist - Will open joint practice upon (hopeful) finishing of Ortho residency

Engaged to wonderful neurosurgery resident - I love you, David!

Taking OxyCodone products(Percocet, OxyContin) for over a year - Dependent & Addicted to them - trying to get better & stop





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