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Re: Still here!
Nov 13, 2003
Thank you everyone for your kind words, and powerful thoughts and prayers. I do feel so much comfort knowing that there are people out there who I've never met face to face who are supportive of me.
Hope, I definitely agree that for whatever reason, I'm supposed to be going through these struggles, and that there are some important lessons I'm facing to learn, and that if I can come through this, I will be all that more stronger and better of a person. But man...knowing that theoretically and getting it into my heart can be a struggle unto itself! I do work to keep my faith and trust that it will all work out, but sometimes when all of the negative keeps piling up one right after the other I feel so "ungrateful" :) As I said to a friend the other day, I don't know whether I'm being tested or forgotten! But I plan to keep on "keeping on" :)

Monday, that is SO wonderful about your daughter. I have every faith that she can continue to beat her own demons and get back to the person that she really is and that you and your husband have missed so much. And as always, she is so lucky to have a mother like you! :)

Rockingham, I completely relate to the feelings of overwhelming depression. I have struggled with a very real and very resistant clinical depression for much of my life. One of the reasons I liked the pills so much was that they absolutely acted like the best anti-depressants for me. I have tried a wide range of anti-depressants, and have never been able to find the right combination or dosage that really worked for me. BUt of course, with the pills, the burden of sadness, guilt, lethargy, suicidal thoughts, etc. were gone. I am a full believer that we who struggle with addiction to the opiates do so in part because we are somehow deficient in those types of natural chemicals in our brains that match up to the synthetic narcotics. That's why when we take the pills, we have such a drastically different reaction to them than "normal" people who take them for pain but don't get that feeling we addicts know and come to crave. That is one reason I am such a fan of suboxone maintanence...because it replaces those natural opiates in our brains that I'm convinced we're somehow lacking! I wish I could give you some great solution to your depression, but I do fully understand your feelings. For me, one of the things that does work to help alleviate it a little bit is to get active...working out and exercising helps bring out your own natural endorphins and for me, that really helps. Keep working with your doctor and maybe you'll be able to find the right medication for you...there are SO many types out there to try and it can get frustrating, but if the Effexor isn't working, definitely try something else.

Back to my eternal search for new employment and a place of my own to live! I am so amazingly lucky to have a friend who is letting me "crash" at her place indefinitely, but I am so longing for a place that is at least part "my own home" where I won't have to keep my clothes in trash bags and plastic bins! And I can't have my kitties at the place where I'm staying now, and those babies are really my children. I miss them so much, and it will help my mental health so much to be able to regain "custody" of them. Those of you with beloved pets will understand :)

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