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Oh Michelle - what a nightmare you must be going through. I know that you absolutely do not want to go to rehab because of your kids and because of some of the stories you've read. I can't believe this doctor... I told you what that other doctor told me (the addictionologist) which is that NOBODY should be on xanax and that it is just achohol in a pill form. Whether it is or isn't, I just know that without them, I would still be freaking out ALL of the time. I used to wouldn't even drive on the interstate because I was so scared so I would go back roads and a 30 min drive to work would end up being an hour and 20 minutes. Also, I used to wake up in the middle of the night thinking someone was breaking in. I lived in an upstairs appt. (w/my husband at the time) and I would get up about 8 times a night to go look out the windows to make sure we were safe. Now, I don't seem to have these 'unrealisitic' fears because of my benzos and like you, I don't abuse them either. I know how you feel because when I walked out of the first doctor's office, I felt like I had no hope for getting clean because he wanted me off of Xanax and everything and I knew I couldn't stop the Xanax. I just needed help getting off of hydros. I swear, that day I cried all day long thinking I would end up killing myself because I had no hope in getting help for my addiction. But, I went and found another doc the very next day and he's the one that put me on sub, etc. I promise you I know that hopeless feeling. You have to come up with viable options. What can be done to help you get clean? Can you find another Sub doctor? In reality, was the sub working for you that well anyway? And why didn't he put you on Suboxone instead of Subutex? Unless you have a reaction to Suboxone, Subutex is not to be prescribed for maintenance as it does nothing to block the effects of opiates. (from my understanding) Also, your husband needs to go to Alanon, desperately. He needs to understand that this is a disease and you are not a bad person!! Also, be patient with him since he doesn't know much about it and don't take his words personally. (easier said than done). O.K. Back to your options - I know people personally that have attended AA and NA meetings and it has been the key to their success. I mean they attended sometimes two meetings a day in the beginning and about 4 a week after that. Even if you go into rehab, you are going to need these meetings. Remember, everyone says and i believe this that this disease is bigger than we are. We 'are powerless over this illness'. You can't do this alone and I know you want to so desperately. You could try to take sub just for a few days to get through the worst of the hydro withdrawal (which after four days, you are probably already getting there) and then stop taking them. The cravings will be hard along with the depression and everything else but that's what the meetings are for. Does your husband want you to attend meetings? Do you think this is a possible plan that he's willing to agree to and that you are willing to agree to as well? Maybe you can tell him that if you go this route and you fail, then you will go to rehab. I know rehab has helped a lot of people too. I think the worst part about it is that sometimes (and I do mean sometimes) they don't prescribe the right medication for the withdrawals and since you are through the worst part, maybe it would be beneficial? Do you think that it is an option at this point? I know that you said your husband can't take care of the kids the way you do but you do know that he will at least love them and take care of their basic needs. Nobody cares if their hair isn't perfect all of the time. We are talking about your life here and your children need a mommy when they grow up and if you don't get some kind of help, they won't have one. I know you know all of this.... the thing that will help you right now is to get a plan on how you can get better. If you want to stick with the sub route, then maybe you could go to another doctor, even if it means driving a few hours? I'm really, really sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. I promise, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are options that you can chose from. I'm praying so much for you and please, please write as often as you can.
Michelle

I just read you post and certain parts of this really bothered me.
So we went on sub at about the same time.
I'm not sure why you went off sub and back on a hydro binge. Could you explain more of that (or maybe you did, I just haven't read the full thread yet).

OK, then you got re-upset after getting back on the sub because you feel you are going from one addiction to another. Is there any possible way that you can look at this switchover from a positive perspective rather than a negative?
I used to look at this (and still do sometimes, Michelle) just like you.
It's going to be tough to withdraw from or get off, so what's the point.
I'm still a slave to a drug.
And especially reading alot of posts on here lately; the fear and anxiety of knowing this.
Is it possible NOT to worry about the future with suboxone? If it's working for you, helping you in the long run, gotten you away from taking 300 pills in such a short time, I can only see that as a good thing.
Also, try to remember that everyone's chemistry is different. Some may have a very bad time getting off suboxone, others not so bad. It varies about as much as those either getting sick or not when they first start suboxone!
It's not too predictable.
But even if you're facing horrible withdrawals next year - well that's next year and if you spend 365 days worrying about the day you're going to stop, it's counterproductive.
I try and think positively right now - it's a new year. I'm not chasing pills. I have an appointment with my Dr. in an hour (soon it will be monthly if i want it to be). So that's one issue, and it's an issue that's increasing your anxiety.

2nd, is there anyway you can find another sub Dr. I think your Dr. is being very unreasonable in conflicting with your own psychiatrist and not allowing you to take xanax. YES, xanax and the benzos are very addictive, and whether you abuse them or not, you will ppossibly have worse withdrawals coming off that, than you would with suboxone!! But why do you have to fix something it it ain't broke??? You are being prescribed xanax for a medically necessary reason, and first for your Dr. to tell you it's illegal to combine with xanax - that's a lie! It's not appropriate for a Dr. to lie to his patient. But even if he knows it's not illegal, it's easy to see that he will not prescribe both to you.

We're actually in such similar positions, except noone is pressuring me to get off klonopin. All I got from my sub Dr. was a warning that if I take too many klonopin, it can be very sedating (which I've learned) but 1-3/day he said nobody has ever had a problem except if they were taken in in mass amounts and sub. A few fatalities.

It also bothers me that your Dr. has told you that xanax is the most addictive subsance and they should be banned. That is a bit judgmental don't you think? A Dr., a psychiatrist is prescribing them to you and I'll be he know more medications, in general, than the sub Dr. And it does not sound like you're addicted to the xanax, if you stick to taking them as prescribed by your Dr. Only you know that. There are alot of addictive substances in the world; should everything be banned? Perhaps food should be banned.

I don't now, I'm in an aftercare treatment program, taking suboxone, taking klonopin, talking openly about it amongst some very experienced Drs. counselors, psychiatrists, addictionologists, and noone sees any red flags here. They all see that I'm doing really well, and I feel really well, in general.

Ok, so just because sub will be hard to get off, does that mean that there is no point to the suboxone. I don't think I have to go into a long thing about all the benefits of sub, where you are now, and where you were then. Pretend - pretend that in the future that getting off suboxone will be do-able and manageable.

Your Dr. wants to put you in a detox center to detox from what - both? or just the xanax? I'm sorry, but to me it seems that this Dr. is creating more problems for you than you really need right now. No, treatment centers are not really bad at all. I would recommend being them depending upon what you are detoxing from - at least for a little while. But, my opinion is still, find another suboxone Dr. Give it a chance for a little while. Try to stop worrying about it for a little while. You've only been oon it a short while (like me). And don't worry about taking your xanax - as needed.

Perhaps you're upset with your husband for letting this Dr. convince him that the best thing for you to do is what this Dr. says. No, I'm no Dr. but I think you could find a Dr. that will work with you - not against you.

Now I'll read the rest of the thread. I apologize for talking so much but this Dr. irks me and he's upsetting Michelle instead of helping her.

Regards,
Murphy
Hi
Ok, just finished the thread, pretty heavy duty.
I'm sorry, I disagree with you plan of action.
gonna say what I see.
You're going back and forth with what you're going to do.
first it's a quick tapere with the suboxone you have left.
Then it's you decided to detox with hydro.
There's a right way and a wrong way to detox from substances.
From i've heard, detoxing with hydro is not the right way.
how many people here have told you that it screws with your head by going back and forth.
Mostly I agree with bodymechanic-find a dr. that you CAN work with and do things properly and under medical supervision.
You don't need to be hospitalized to detox off of sub.
You need a good taper plan, that is very very slow, and so far I've never heard of anyone going into detox to detox off of suboxone.
I don' believe they even have an in-patient protocol to detox off of suboxone.
As for xanax, if you wan to get off that because it's made your life unmanageable, with or w/o the suboxone.
Detox in a hospital for benzos for a week is sufficient. You won't feel great afterward for awhile, but for the acute detox, there's no way you need to say anywhere 3-4 months!

Anyway, again, bodymechanics advice, find a Dr. you can work with. Philster and all of us want to help and support you but none of us are Drs. And in your case I think because you are dealing with 2 addictive substances - you need a Dr. preferably one that will let you take suboxone AND xanax and then if YOU want, you can get off of both of them (if that's what you choose) ONE at a time.

Murphy





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