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[QUOTE=BadAttitude]Hey, Kinda

Guess I missed you, yes on Tuesday I am bogged down as I have a night class and it gets done late and then I have a long drive home and then food and unwind for a while, so I guess I missed you. I thought that I would get on here and see if you were around or not.
So how are things going, have you been to the doc? Have you been doing any better at sleeping? So tell me what is going on with you? I read your post to Michelle and I do not think less of you. I do hope that you do not start using benzo'a again thought, it is your life and you have to make the decesions I am just here to listen and to lend support in wherever your decesion is.

Well I am going to check on some of my emails before I hit the sack but I will check back before I do and see if you have replied, if not I will talk to you tomorrow as I have no classes tomorrow.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~[/QUOTE]
Hi, Kinda
Hey, I can understand about how thinking about the past can hurt so much, I am a surivor of child abuse and of spousal abuse, not blaming the abuse for my being an alcoholic as I was the one that chose to drink, I drank to try to forget the past the past that was so painful that I just wanted to forget it. Until oneday 6 years ago when I almsot died from my alcoholism, I was not eating only drinking and my stomach was bleeding and colon had holes in it and I was bleeding I could not keep any food down and I have lost 62 pounds in 2 months. The doc put me in the hospital and all I could think about was trying to bribe my boyfiend into getting me a beer I wanted one so bad even thought I was dying form alcoholism. I figured that if I quit drinking all the pain and the bad memories would come back and they did with a vengence once I started going into dt's. The had nightmares of the past being beat and almost being killed by my ex by I made it I relived my past and I dealt with it. I had to deal with it head on or else my past was not going to let me have a future, I was killing myself with alcohol rather then face my past. Many nights I woke up screaming and in a cold sweat reliving the past that no one should ever have to go through.

But kinda, I made it I am here today and I have been clean for the last 5 years, yeah, I know I said it was six years ago that I alsmost died but I did slip up once or twice during the first year so it only 5 years clean. :)

Kinda, I tell you this because I know how hard it is to share this side of you and that it makes you feel vunerable I know as it is not of my culture to share with out sider. Let me explain what I mean by that I am half-Native American all my life I was brought up around alcohol and abuse on the reservation where I grew up so being and alcoholic at the age of 13 was not a hard thing to do for me.

Kinda we all have our pasts to deal with what is important isn't ouor past it's our future.

Well like I said I usually don't share much about myslef as it is not of my culture but I wanted you to understnad that I know of dealing with the past and how scarey the future can be. What's why I am here talking to you that's why I come here and read how eveyone is fighting there addictions with battles won and battles lost. Being here and talking to you and listing to others helps me stay sober and helps me realize how far I have come and how far that I still have to go, I am in recovery I am not recovered. As I tell everyone I am a work in progress.

Kinda, I am going to go to bed now and I hope to talk to you soon.

Love & Happiness
~Autumn~





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