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[QUOTE=Trooper]I know this is the addiction recovery board, but I didn't really know where else to write this.

I met my absolute best friend about 3 years ago. In the years, she has drank herself into a stupor countless times and has exhibited awful, mean behavior. She'll go out to bars herself, latch on to some guy, get plastered with him, then takes him home and you can figure the rest. Not only is she 'loose', but she gets very, very mean.

I have been there for her and picked up the pieces... I don't even know how many times. On this past NYE, she finally went over the top. To make a long story short, the truth came out about her sleeping with a neighbor of mine. No big deal, I already knew, but it's really none of my business. Anyway, she flips. My friend/neighbor was out with us (or at the same club) and she hunted him down and punched him in the face. But not only did she punch him, she also punched another one of my friends that she had never met yet. Along with that, she spilled a drink all over another innocent couple and she took my drink and spilled it all over me. By the end of the night, she was screaming at me and attempted to slap me. I think the clincher was when she actually told me to go F*-- off. I didn't do anything and certainly didn't deserve that.

I have pretty much cut off communication with her because she needs to get help. I told her she needs to go somewhere for treatment and I cannot make/tell her what to do.

She has called twice. Both times completely wasted telling me how much she loves me and misses me.

I cannot handle it anymore. I miss her desperately, but I cannot be with someone who lies to me, hits my friends, and attempts to hit me.

But I don't want this to be about me. I want her to get the help she needs. I worry all the time about her. I cry about her all the time too. I'm afraid for her. That she drinks and drives and is going to kill herself or someone else. I worry that she is going to get raped by one of the random guys she picks up. I worry that she is killing herself with the drink. She already has major bladder problems.

I've been tossing the idea around of an intervention with her parents, but I haven't had the guts to do it yet. Nor have I had the guts to call her and talk to her.

She says she is in AA, but I honestly don't believe her, or think that she goes.

I know this is all up to her, but I feel so helpless. When she doesn't drink, she really is the most funny, kind, loving person that I know.

Any advise? (sorry so long)
-Trooper[/QUOTE]

Hi Trooper,
Sounds like you are having a tough time. If she does not think she has a problem she won't get the help she [I]doesn't need[/I]. Knowing that she has a serious drinking problem and is older, if your going to get together, a pub or club can't be the venue that happens because she can't control her drinking and you know too well how that turns out. You can never drink together again. She is on a self destructive path & for some, rock bottom won't be a low enough point to change their lives. Some lose it all. Someone should speak to her parents on her behalf to make them aware of the depth of her addiction. A vacation when her drunkeness was displayed may be an inkling, but is still just a birds eye view. By her moms reaction, she was ignored. If nothing else came of that, it's an under the rug event. I don't think the folks have a clue as to how bad off she is. It may shock them. I don't know how capable they are but they will need to quick study this, get involved and figure it out. If they don't nobody will. She needs intervention because she is out of control, hurting herself and others and she will lie and do whatever it takes so she can preserve the habit, not herself. When she becomes a threat to society she will be locked up. She still has a chance & still her parents daughter. If nobody intervenes she'll continue and endanger-DWI. Some people drink through tragedy after another, blind to it, still drinking and that's how in dire need she is of help. [I]She[/I] will have to make a choice. If she does not it will force you to. Self preservation is not selfish, it's a boundary. You have to protect yourself just like she needs to learn to do the same for herself. Senerio, a drinker friend says to you, help out your drinking friend no matter what the cost (a little self serving)...but I'd interject and say, no, it's not at whatever cost because I have a life too. This is not a bridge jumping free for all. What is selfish on her part is selfless on your part, don't feel guilty. That is a drinkers request to be enabled. Stay with me no matter what? No. It's not no matter what because you are a person too. Are they quitting for you? Turn that table right around.

Probably one of the hardest things is to see it happen right in front of you and somehow they are clueless to it. Bottom line, if she does not think there is a problem, there is no problem. If she says she was (did so or not) going to AA meetings would not be for her sake (in her own mind), it's to satisfy others and it's misleading because an addict will do and say whatever they need to maintain there habbit with least interference and resistance. For her to see there is a problem, she needs to stay in a sober state long enough to "see" what her life is as it is when she becomes drunken & out of control. Being strong for her means not enabling this in any way shape or form. She most likely will get angry and nasty (at someone coming between her and her fix), but if she gets better down the line, she would have an understanding without intervention, that would not have been possible, that you and her parents acted on her behalf to help her. It could get ugly but it's already been that. She may need to be admitted, she recklessly endangers herself and is a risk to others safety. It's tough love because you won't get a thank you or flowers and she may reject your friendship. If you think you have seen the worst of it, it's not. That is a risk but there are higher stakes. This drink is everything to her and anyone who gets in the way will be a threat to her addiction and she will react to preserve it. She's sick and in a lot of pain. Be strong and prepared psychologically for a long road ahead.

You did the right thing, not puting yourself in harms way knowing what could happen, you needed to be able to back off so you don't get dragged down. There is a line when helping a person because you have to preserve yourself at the same time. Helping does not mean at all costs. It's not all about them. Alnon could help you there. It's easy to get sucked in but you have to keep your head level and not get pulled down. She may not think or care to think she has anything to lose but you do so please be careful and don't get hurt in the process of helping another. I hope there will be peaceful resolve and an end to this soon.





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