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Addiction & Recovery Message Board

Addiction & Recovery Board Index

Hi Banker, Heather, and Lisa,

Thanks for writing me back. I really appreciate all the support I'm getting from you all. It's great to have people who understand exactly what I'm going through. I talked to some guy from the Narcotics Anonymous chat room last night, and he was 27 years clean and when I mentioned hydros, he said, "A drug is a drug is a drug." Well, I guess that is their idea of it, and I'm sure it works great for them, but I can relate much better to people who are in the same boat as me, with the same withdrawal symptoms and cravings, etc. I don't want to talk to someone who thinks smoking pot is the same as taking 20 (or however many) pills a day. All drugs are different in thier own way, and some are certainly worse than others. I'll try to answer most of your questions.

Banker, I have read some of your posts on the board here. I just found this board last night, so I haven't been around very long. I did see that you are quitting and having trouble finding any rehab help (I think that was you, right?) It's so difficult to find any good help. Going to an inpatient program is absolutely out of the question for me. I'm very much an introvert and the thought of sharing a room (and especially a bathroom) with a stranger terrifies me. But they don't consider people like me. They make those programs for the 3/4's of people who are extroverts. They think everyone has to be treated the same... follow the "program". Yeah, except for stars, who can detox in the privacy of a hotel room if they want. I wish I could afford the $9000 rapid detox. It's a shame insurance doesn't cover it, but why would they? We are just drug addicts, not worthy of helping. That's how it feels sometimes anyway. I don't have anything except regular medical insurance, so substance abuse or mental health help is out of the question. My money has all been spent on drugs. Why would they even think people like us have the money for rehab/detox? Duh. Oh yeah, the questions... (I get off track easily.)

My plan is to taper down slowly. 6 pills 4 days, 4 pills for 4 days, 3 pills for 4 days, 2 pills for 6 days, 1 pill for 4 days, and then 1/2 pill for 30 days. These are 10/325 hydros. The reason for the 1/2 pill for 30 days is that last time I quit (last summer), I found that taking a tiny bit at night before bed really helped. You would think being down to such a low dose, you could just quit with no bad effects, but sleeping was still very difficult and I would still wake up in a sweat. So this time I'm going to stay on a 1/2 pill dose before bed for a much longer period of time. I also have valium to help me sleep. Don't worry, I don't like valium enough to get addicted. I just take one before bed. I like drugs that bring me UP not down, and valium is definitely a downer. So I will taper off those easily when I don't need them anymore, I've done it before.

My husband has known basically from the beginning that I was on drugs. He didn't mind at first (when he was making lots of money), but now that he has a much lower paying job and I'm maxing out the credit cards and he can see that I'm a full-blown drug addict, he knows I need to be off of them. I used to rationalize with him the reasons I needed the pills, and he understood and believed it. I mean, the sex was better, I was friendlier and had more energy, and I was just more fun in general, so it did SEEM like a good thing. Eventually, he began to see that it was destroying me though. I had somewhat of a mental breakdown last summer and a lot of crazy ***** happened and I even left him and moved in with my ex-husband for a day, then came back to him desperate. I was really messed up. That was when I admitted myself to a rehab and stayed all of 20 minutes before I called him, crying hysterically, and made him come back to pick me up. I did get off drugs after that, but started back after a month of being clean. The lack of energy was just too much for me. I've learn now about something called PAW - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (look it in Google to learn more or just let me know and I'll give you links) that explained how it actually can take up to six months to get your energy and thinking patterns back to normal (the length and severity depends on how much and how long you've used.) So at least now I know what to expect. I thought it would never end and I started taking more pills to get energy. :( I've been using hydros this last stint (not counting the month I was off) for almost 2 years now. It got really heavy when I started buying them online in January 2003. I don't have children, besides my husband's child that we get on weekends (and thank God for that because I'm a mental case and couldn't handle it, and what would you do during withdrawals if you had a kid??) I'm not on any other drugs, except the Valium I take (have only taken for the past two nights, but I will be continuing to take them for a while.) I'm also starting to take Ginseng for energy. My husband is totally clean. He used to use drugs way back in the day (cocaine and pot heavily) but he has been clean after his child was born 6 years ago. He's a good guy. :) Please do tell me your story if you'd like to Banker. Or if you'd rather, I can read around the board some more. But I know it helps to talk about it, so please feel free to tell me, I'd like to know.

I actually got started using drugs by using alcohol and pot when I was 14 and 15. When I was 16, I got a new boyfriend who was a crack-head. I did crack with him for two weeks, then I overdosed and died and was resucitated... very scary. I have a real problem with crack after seeing what it did to him. He is now in prison for murder. He was very abusive, physicall, mentally, and sexually to me, and many other men have raped me as well. These kinds of things happening in my life made me want to escape from reality more and more. I've tried acid too, but that was no big deal. It was pills that really got me. When I had my back surgery in 1994, I discovered that taking 2 Percocet instead of the prescribed ONE Percocet gave the best feeling of euphoria. I loved it. I was on that for two or three months while I recovered from surgery. I didn't get addicted that time though. I continued using pot and alcohol for a few more years. I got into pills when I met my first husband-to-be. He and his mom both got pills from their doctors and I just took them to get a buzz. We were really poor and started selling pills, mostly Percocet. Then I started taking more than we were selling, and so forth. I got addicted pretty quickly. I was taking 7 at a time usually. Any less than that wouldn't give me a buzz with the tolerance I had at that time. At one point, we drove out of state to sell Percocet to a friend of ours who had moved away but still bought drugs from us. It was a huge sale for us. But while we were down there, I stayed to hang out with the "friend" of ours while my (then) boyfriend went back to the hotel because he didn't party and didn't like to be around people drinking. Well, that "friend" of mine ending up drugging me and ****** me. My drug abuse got so much worse after that. I just started taking handfuls of Soma, Isocet (a barbituate), Valium and Tylenol 3's (all prescriptions from ONE doctor, who also was a pervert and liked to touch me and is in jail for now for touching his patients.). I took all those just to pass out (usually wash them down with a beer for that extra UUMPH.) I'd wake up and do it again. I was just so terribly depressed and had terrible anxiety. I'd sit with a knife out on the table in case anyone broke in to attack me. I was very paranoid at that time, and I'm sure the drugs just antagonized it. Well, that's a long story... we moved to another city... my doctor got arrested for sexual assualt on a minor (undercover cop), and I had no way to get drugs in the new town I was in. So I had to quit. I stayed pretty much clean, except for pot and beer, for a few years after that. When I hooked up with my new boyfriend/husband, having sex was such a difficult issue for me and I was so anxious about it, I turned to drugs again, and here I am today, addicted. It's been a long road of drug after drug after drug for me. I hope someday it will end, but I don't really think I will ever give up everything completely. I just don't want to be [I]addicted[/I] to anything. Pot and alcohol are not addictive for me (luckily.) And I don't use them much, but they are great backups for me when things get rough. I need to be OFF OF PILLS. They are the worst kind of addiction for me.

Heather, thanks for telling me about suboxone. I'd like to see if I can get some. I'll keep you guys up to date on what happens with that. I'd also like to get the drug that stops your cravings... naltrexone? I've been reading about that as well. And I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that smells nasty things when I'm in withdrawal. I thought I was going crazy a few times because of that! lol

Thanks for the kind welcome Lisa. I'm definitely NOT going cold turkey. Oh, that is just the most horrible thing a person can go through. I've run out of pills before and I know that is just the worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well, maybe my WORST enemy I would! lol.) It's an inspiration to me to hear that you've been clean a month and you're feeling better. I hope it will work out as well for me. Maybe with the Ginseng, the lack of energy won't be so bad this time.

(continued on next post - this is REALLY LONG!!).....

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