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Hey ya'll,

I am just having a really blah day- am down to a very low dose on my sub and feel so tired and lethargic and ofcourse find myself "daydreaming" of the good ole days when I could take pills and feel better. (So easy to forget the hardships the come along with them, huh?)

Am very upset with my husband as he has begged me to be honest and communicate with him throughout this recovery process. So, I did and am having to face him not believing me. Let me explain, I took some of my daughter's cough and congestion medicine the last couple of days (Atuss DR) and later thought that it may have a narcotic in it- I looked it up and it did. As you may know, my husband randomly drug tests me and if I were to ever fail one, I would have to go to rehab. I took one of the tests this morning and ofcourse I tested positive for opiates. I immediately called my husband and explained the whole situation (b/c it would be my luck for him to come home tonight and say, "Okay...drug test!"). I thought everything was fine and when I talked to him this afternoon, he expressed that he didn't think a cough and congestion medicine could make you test positive on a drug test. I told him that we could send it to the labratory and let them find more conclusive results (as I don't won't to get "busted for taking hydro's" when I never took any hydro's)! He just is acting like I am a liar. Which, I know I have lied in the past, but he wonders why I do and this is it- when I tell the truth, he cops an attitude. So, why deal with it?

I am just sick of being "sick." I am sick of not being "normal." I am sick of relying on some type of medicine (now, the sub) to function and I am just sick of it all! I am ticked off that I would let myself get in this situation...I am ticked at my husband for working so many freakin hours that I needed pills to keep me going...I am ticked that I got pregnant one right after the other (not that I don't idolize my babies, but what was I thinking...it wasn't going to be the hardest thing in the world). I am ticked that I can't just live a normal life and wake up and NOT think about freakin pills and how am I going to manage today? I am tired of coming to this board and giving everyone such "wonderful advice" but yet my own life is a mess and I can't even follow what I suggest others to do.....yeah, I am sure some of you are thinking...HYPOCRITE! Well, maybe so, huh? You just have no idea how hard it is for me...no idea!

I can't keep coming here and advising others when my own self is such a mess! I am going to be out of sub pretty soon and then what will I do? My doctor won't give me any more because I take the Xanax...but then my psych says I HAVE TO HAVE THIS XANAX...where did I get this anxiety? Why can't I just go for a run like normal people?

I know I am rambling and am probably making no sense...can't hardly see the board through my tears...I am just tired guys...I can't do this anymore! Life is not supposed to be like this...and I know this..but I don't even have time to pray lately...my spiritual relationship has taken a back seat just like every thing else...imagine that??

Well, baby is screaming...again, imagine that?

Sorry for the not-so-together post...it probably makes no sense. I just had to try to vent but as usual someone else's needs have to come before mine right now.

Michelle
[QUOTE=John 3:16]Hey ya'll,


I can't keep coming here and advising others when my own self is such a mess! I am going to be out of sub pretty soon and then what will I do? My doctor won't give me any more because I take the Xanax...but then my psych says I HAVE TO HAVE THIS XANAX...where did I get this anxiety? Why can't I just go for a run like normal people?

I know I am rambling and am probably making no sense...can't hardly see the board through my tears...I am just tired guys...I can't do this anymore! Life is not supposed to be like this...and I know this..but I don't even have time to pray lately...my spiritual relationship has taken a back seat just like every thing else...imagine that??

Well, baby is screaming...again, imagine that?

Sorry for the not-so-together post...it probably makes no sense. I just had to try to vent but as usual someone else's needs have to come before mine right now.

Michelle[/QUOTE]

Michelle, first of all your life is not a mess. There is a saying that my mom has said often and I honestly believe it -- if we were to put our problems on a clothes lines ... we'd take our own back. In other words; we would choose the lives we have now -- good with the bad. Sounds a bit corny I know; but I honestly believe it. You have to look at your life -- the whole picture ... not just this bad day and remember the love and support you offer so many people in your life (your children, your husband, friends, extended family, people on this board and I am sure the list goes on and on.)

From the "spouse" prespective (I think I said this is an earlier post so I apologize for being repetitive), but at times; I can't believe the things I hear coming out of my mouth towards my husband. I have always considered myself to be a trusting/loving person ... yet somehow trying to deal with the reality of his addiction has turned me into a suspicious witch at times! Today, I got so mad at my husband because he didn't feel up to going to the movies with the kids and I when he got home from work. I said some hateful things and went right back to laying guilt trips on him about his addiction. In retrospect I know I was wrong; he has been tapering and he did need sleep. I was being selfish and now I can't take the things I said to him back -- even though I wish I could. He just looked so sad and defeated and now I feel so guilty for being so hateful. I'm not sure if this offers any insight into how sometimes we as spouses "react" instead of thinking before we say things we can't always take back.

Michelle, you know we all love you and have seen the progress you have made --- even though I didn't post and was a lurker for a few months -- I learned a lot from the knowledge/experience you shared. You have helped and supported so many people and you are successfully concurring your addiction ..we can all see that. Sounds corny .. but I guess we all have to take this "one day at a time" -- and take the good with the bad. You are doing great. You are in my thoughts.
-MJ





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