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Hi, everyone, I have missed you so. Lynn and Yinksy, you always bring a smile to my face. Yinksy, you always give me such great inspiration. I did an update on another post, but might start a new thread. I am, to be brutally honest, struggling with my taper. I obviously did not make my 3/21 planned cut-off, always finding an excuse to go off the taper. AT least I am taking much less now, though I know I have far to go, not only physically but spiritually as well. Lynn, please share how you are doing. Everyone discussing being "taper buddies" has chickened out.

The stomach pains I get upon withdrawal are excruciating, etc., etc., I just realized I am making excuses, I know. I don't see much choice but to go to a detox. I am not inclined to go with the suboxone, so I have alot of pain ahead of me and can't imagine doing it at home without finding a way to sneak a couple pills somehow and being able to hear my darling children call for me and not being able to do a thing for them. My w/d are literally that bad. So my sil said she would help.

I am going to go downstairs right now and give my insurance info to a couple hospitals. Then I guess it will be on my record forever? Still being tested for underlying disorders causing my depression--definitely a weird thyroid/hormone thing going on, one of those syndromes named after someone with a weird last name, I'm sure. Waiting for retest results on a couple that were way way off the charts.

I really want to get more active. MIchelle, if you are reading this, I did respond to your post on meredith's thread. Banker, did I tell you I am starting the Strattera? All because of you. Yinksy, I made it to meetings because of you. Okay what else can you guys do for me, lol?

Okay, got a poopy diaper that is calling my name and I am procrastinating (though she will run from me!) so off I go to take care of business. (Babysitter bailed this week due to sick kids.)

Oh, i also need positive energy and prayers for this weekend--hubby off on his 3-day horseback ride (they basically just get drunk the whole time) and am always tempted to take a couple extra.

Sorry to keep butting in on everyone's thread.

luv you guys,
rosie
[QUOTE=rosietee]Hi, everyone, I have missed you so. Lynn and Yinksy, you always bring a smile to my face. Yinksy, you always give me such great inspiration. I did an update on another post, but might start a new thread. I am, to be brutally honest, struggling with my taper. I obviously did not make my 3/21 planned cut-off, always finding an excuse to go off the taper. AT least I am taking much less now, though I know I have far to go, not only physically but spiritually as well. Lynn, please share how you are doing. Everyone discussing being "taper buddies" has chickened out.

The stomach pains I get upon withdrawal are excruciating, etc., etc., I just realized I am making excuses, I know. I don't see much choice but to go to a detox. I am not inclined to go with the suboxone, so I have alot of pain ahead of me and can't imagine doing it at home without finding a way to sneak a couple pills somehow and being able to hear my darling children call for me and not being able to do a thing for them. My w/d are literally that bad. So my sil said she would help.

I am going to go downstairs right now and give my insurance info to a couple hospitals. Then I guess it will be on my record forever? Still being tested for underlying disorders causing my depression--definitely a weird thyroid/hormone thing going on, one of those syndromes named after someone with a weird last name, I'm sure. Waiting for retest results on a couple that were way way off the charts.

I really want to get more active. MIchelle, if you are reading this, I did respond to your post on meredith's thread. Banker, did I tell you I am starting the Strattera? All because of you. Yinksy, I made it to meetings because of you. Okay what else can you guys do for me, lol?

Okay, got a poopy diaper that is calling my name and I am procrastinating (though she will run from me!) so off I go to take care of business. (Babysitter bailed this week due to sick kids.)

Oh, i also need positive energy and prayers for this weekend--hubby off on his 3-day horseback ride (they basically just get drunk the whole time) and am always tempted to take a couple extra.

Sorry to keep butting in on everyone's thread.

luv you guys,
rosie[/QUOTE]
Rosie, Rosie

You are not butting in anywhere at all - no thread belongs to any one person................
It is sooooo good to hear from you - I thought you had run away - cos of my nagging? LOLOL!
I think you are getting closer now to your goal. It must be pure torture to go on the way you are going - continually setting yourself unrealistic goals and failing - soul destroying? ........... but you will make the decision when its necessary and make the break.
I am going to be rotten now............. you mention your children - well - your children will have their mum back when she quits the pills - and not until then.......... so no excuses about not being ablt to look after those wee ones! I think its a great idea to enlist the help of your sil. Honest Rosie - I really think you fear this far too much? It is really not that bad. Imagine a really rotten case of flu? That is what it will be like............... and it really only lasts a few days. Take heart - be courageous............. nothing worth anything can be got without effort? And - its Lent - offer your suffering up for the Holy Souls! (I was going to put LOL there - but might offend someone - but you know me by now - and I know you will have a wry smile at this!)

I think that Lynn and Alice might just be about to make the big break soon too - perhaps they might join you as "tapering buddies" - or even better - "withdrawing buddies"? What a good idea - to quit at the same time and sit on computers for a few days comparing symptoms? LOLOL!

You mention hubbie is going away for 3 days - well - 3 days would have you almost thro withdrawal - not fancy trying that? How good would that be for him coming back to you on day 4 of recovery and getting better by the second?

Whatever you decide though - everyone will be cheering!

I do so hope Seamus will make an appearance - he is doing wonderfully well - has just go better and better. I just love him - dont you?

Hope you will share more with us about your situation Rosie? I know too that you are taking klonopin and are getting medical advice as to how to withdraw from that too. May I ask what the professionals have advised re the K? Just maybe some of your other problems might be solved when you quit the dreaded benzos? You might be surprised at the subtle side effects they might be having re your depression etc. Can only be a good move to chuck them too.

Hope to hear from you soon

Y
[U]Michelle, Rosie and Yinksy[/U]

It's 5 am here...and I've been up since 4:15 am...just felt kinda "agitated" and couldn't sleep. This is an occasional occurrence, tho my sleeping hours have always been a normal person's nightmare. I plan on being home today, if nothing urgent crops up at work....my stomach is acting up. I just learned last night my boss was given yet another two awards...which means I'll have to be dragged into all the publicity stuff, which is so tedious and requires the uptmost cheerfulness. Ugh!!! :yawn:

Michelle - Re. your blahs. As you already probably know, I, too, am a big sufferer from the "blahs"--I first remember them in 7th grade...when the world already looked so dreary and hopeless at times....and there was nothing obviously wrong with my life....a few things, but nothing major. So...."the black dog" --"depression"--was already nuzzling its way into my life. I'd have periods of despair...then come out of them. So obvious now that this was clinical depression--but in 1959, when I was 13, this term was still lurking in the future.

Anyway, feeling "low" is probably what keeps most of us pill takers continuing to take just the necessary amount of pills to stave off that feeling. We're not flying high thru life by any means! Quite the contrary. It's more that we have such a deep-rooted fear of depression that we hold onto these pills like an anchor.

I am almost positive my two anti-depressants, together, have totally done their job--the "clinical" part of real depression is no longer there. But some years ago, I realized that a few hydro pills a day gave me those few moments, when I felt really happy in my own skin. If it weren't for anti-depressants, I just can't imagine why I would still be hanging around. But, the small number of Vics I took gave me a glimpse into a happiness beyond just the peace of mind the antidepressants offer.

I have no story of abuse......no story of "hitting the skids"....losing everything and everybody. Mine has been a most genteel "habit." Motivated entirely by the fear that I will be the one person, whose brain does NOT ever recover to allow "genuine" joy in life. And, every story I read of those off the pills and unable to feel their own natural happiness endorphins is so scary to me.

I could easily accept the withdrawals, if I KNEW my brain would recover. And, because I am taking such small amounts of these pills, I never get to the stage where I say "oh my gawd, these pills are destroying my life." It's such a quiet, little addiction...but it DOES keep me isolated and not interested in getting out beyond my four protective walls. It DOES have great repercussions for my future. So....I am facing the inevitable.

I am now down to three hydros left in my drawer....but still have my cousin;s oxys, which I take in minute amounts about three times a day. This drug is way too strong for me to fool with. Provided my cousin has no further access to these pills (i.e., her pain management doctor weans her off them--a distinct possibility)--that will be it for me. I do not have my "own" supply and would not ever purchase the stuff. This has all been from the "generousity" of my cousin, in legitimate, terrible back and leg pain. (I'm so "weak" that I don't even "deal" my own drugs!!!! LOLOL!) By the way, I first learned of these pills when I had my first bout of what is now chronic lower back pain. Every few months it gets to "excrutiating" when every movement is so painful. But I rarely mention it on this board, because it just pales in comparison to the nightmarish pain that others here are going through.

I realize fully, that psychologically, I just cannot bring myself NOT to take that small amount of pills that are left. I have to be honest with myself about that. But...when they are gone...I will not seek out any more. So, I am in a waiting game...wondering what the possible statistics are that I will be one of those very, very lucky people to be successful in someday regaining her natural endorphins.

I wish I could offer you guys more concrete information, more optimism, etc, etc. regarding your own situations. But I am no person to use as an example!!! The few times I've withdrawn "between" pill supplies, it's been ugly. Not unbearable...but so very depressing to my psyche. The only thing keeping me going for the future is that I know that I will HAVE to go off them--and then I can at least [I]hope[/I] my own chemicals will be restored. But..the truth is, I have only the tiniest glimmber of hope that I will ever get back to where I was before I started these pills. Luckily, I've never been able to take more than one at a time (i.e. a 7.5 hydro...or a 20 oxy)--so that has always kept my usage way down...for which I am eternally grateful! But I know that over the years, these drugs have changed my whole life pattern...and I've become more and more fearful of the "blahs" being a permanent feature of my life.

Okay - so there it is....in all honesty. And this board is the very first step I took to even admitting that this was not a "good thing." Michelle and Rosie, when I read what you are both going through and the dicisions you are both trying to make, I know just how you are feeling. Except that...although I believe there is a God...I don't feel a presence taking me under his/her wing and lessening my struggle. You are both lucky to have that strong faith. And you both seem like strong fighters. (And wonderful people! You, too, Yinsky!)

And, we are all so lucky to have Yinksy riding along with us "giving us hell"--and dragging us towards the paths of righteousness--kicking and screaming all the way! :D

Rosie, I send you lotsa love and support, however you choose to detox. I will be following you closely!

And, Michelle....the same love and support to you....and please keep writing to us...even when you have the blahs...and let us know how you make out after Friday's last Darvocet. (Are they as strong as hydros?)

I never thought I could "get into" an on-line board. It felt so "outer space" to me...voices from the beyond! :D Not to mention all these silly, little smile icons I keep using! LOL! But it's been such a relief for me to have met others fighting the same battle. I walk through my office halls, thinking, all the time "oh gawd....if they KNEW!!!!"

Okay, it's now 6:30n am...and I'm going back to bed for awhile. Will check in later. Haven't read anything since last night, but wanted to address you three guys!!

And I also want to say hello to you, Banker, Stacie, Kathi, and all the rest of you amazing people! :wave: (Geesh, I sound like I'm at the Oscars, giving an acceptance speech!!!)

luv, Lynn





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