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As you all know I've been worred about the valium taper all week. I was under the impression that I woul dbring my valium in (which I did) about 25 which could last 4-10 this past month (10s).

I'm always talking to the Dr. Assistant, and rarely see the Dr. I liked the Assistant until today when I felt as if I was put in a corner and and could not look at her, understand her, she was trying to tell me things that I knew more about I'm not trying to just do it my way -- I don't iknow how to taper off of valium.

During the week, I guess they have meetings and talk, and she gave him the permission that I was out of out, consistently sounding drunk, she couldn't understand me; a lot of of that was because I was hysterical, trying to talk but could not. Part of it was because I did take too many valium that particular time when I told her.

Today all I know is that suddenly I hated her, didn't know what others things she said to the Dr. (they protect and support each other) and I feel like an outsider and I stated that. I felt that strongly today. My body went into this kind of desperation, that I have to kill myself now, because they're not going to taper me or that's the impression I got. OR I didn't understand what she was saying, not because I was incoherent but she was giving me the reasons that I did take them and the whys and I was talking about now - wanting to sign a contract - give them over, detox. Then she said something that didn't come up before. Now this makes sense to me -- that I would have to reduce my suboxone with this particular dose of valium. I know about that data. I'm taking 10mg, I woul d have cut it in half, but the way she put it, and then I glanced at her and she looked so cold, maybe It was me being the maniac.

Then I insisted on seeing the Dr. He agreed to see me for 10 minutes; all he had time for day. First topic he brought up was that I E-mailed him last night in response to his, and mentioned that I was completely out of it and inconherent (I have yet to reread them yet, so I will get back to you on that, but I will read it, and give you an honest assessment of how they came across. BUT, all week long, I've been telling his assistant how hung-over I was from taking too much valium, and it was problaby from the combo of the 2, so why should suddently this be stressed? Why? But in his 10 minutes talk with me, not once did he mention about cutting down the suboxone...I don't know why that's what he said what he did.

He left, and we were left alone. She asked me to think about it. Well, Ms. I don't have time to think about it. I have 25 valiums today. I though I knew what was going to happen today - a good thing, a positive thing - and now, what hapened? Could someone tell me?

I then started to cry, couldn't stop, and she said will you be safe tonight? (of course). I said yes angrily. She said well you have to look at me and tell me that. I looked at her and said yes,, got up and walked out. Maybe I will run out of benzos, have aconfulsion and die.

I said I would be willing to be monitored by outpatient, etc. but he was vague about that; she didn't seem to know anything about that as far as what I can do.

Inpatient hospital - I may wind up there by overdosing.

Jail - I may wind up there because I'm so scared to death of running out and having nothing and have already called them in somewhere and ordered them online but I don't now if they'll come in time.

(By the way, I don't want want to order more - I want to STOP.

Question by me --- did anyone here ever go through withdrawal? No. Well everyone once in awhile everybody goes through levels of withdrawal. Now let me ask you - have you gone through withdrawal and is it run of the mill withdrawal........

Oh God, I just wrote the Dr. and asked him point blank - I'm taking 6-10 valium for a month .. I want to you please help taper me. Last week everybody was up for it. Today, there's confusion that I don't understand.

Pray I don't die.

And I'm going to FAX everypost people write to the Dr. . .

I am so very sorry for writing so much, but I'm desperatea and suicidal. Sorry

Drs. really help you, don't they. They don't recognize that you are on the edge, and yet they will tell you to stay away from the computer if it triggers you, yet how I was backed in a corner today, I felt I was, I wish someone could have killed me.

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