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Hello

As you all know I've been worred about the valium taper all week. I was under the impression that I woul dbring my valium in (which I did) about 25 which could last 4-10 this past month (10s).

I'm always talking to the Dr. Assistant, and rarely see the Dr. I liked the Assistant until today when I felt as if I was put in a corner and and could not look at her, understand her, she was trying to tell me things that I knew more about here..no I'm not trying to just do it my way -- I don't iknow how to taper off of valium.

During the week, I guess they have meetings and talk, and she gave him the permission that I was out of out, consistently sounding drunk, she couldn't understand me; a lot of of that was because I was hysterical, trying to talk but could not. Part of it was because I did take too many valium that particular time when I told her.

Today all I know is that suddenly I hated her, didn't know what others things she said to the Dr. (they protect and support each other) and I feel like an outsider and I stated that. I felt that strongly today. My body went into this kind of desperation, that I have to kill myself now, because they're not going to taper me or that's the impression I got. OR I didn't understand what she was saying, not because I was incoherent but she was giving me the reasons that I did take them and the whys and I was talking about now - wanting to sign a contract - give them over, detox. Then she said something that didn't come up before. Now this makes sense to me -- that I would have to reduce my suboxone with this particular dose of valium. I know about that data. I'm taking 10mg, I woul d have cut it in half, but the way she put it, and then I glanced at her and she looked so cold, maybe It was me being the maniac.

Then I insisted on seeing the Dr. He agreed to see me for 10 minutes; all he had time for day. First topic he brought up was that I E-mailed him last night in response to his, and mentioned that I was completely out of it and inconherent (I have yet to reread them yet, so I will get back to you on that, but I will read it, and give you an honest assessment of how they came across. BUT, all week long, I've been telling his assistant how hung-over I was from taking too much valium, and it was problaby from the combo of the 2, so why should suddently this be stressed? Why? But in his 10 minutes talk with me, not once did he mention about cutting down the suboxone...I don't know why that's what he said what he did.

He left, and we were left alone. She asked me to think about it. Well, Ms. I don't have time to think about it. I have 25 valiums today. I though I knew what was going to happen today - a good thing, a positive thing - and now, what hapened? Could someone tell me?

I then started to cry, couldn't stop, and she said will you be safe tonight? (of course). I said yes angrily. She said well you have to look at me and tell me that. I looked at her and said yes,, got up and walked out. Maybe I will run out of benzos, have aconfulsion and die.

I said I would be willing to be monitored by outpatient, etc. but he was vague about that; she didn't seem to know anything about that as far as what I can do.

Inpatient hospital - I may wind up there by overdosing.

Jail - I may wind up there because I'm so scared to death of running out and having nothing and have already called them in somewhere and ordered them online but I don't now if they'll come in time.

(By the way, I don't want want to order more - I want to STOP.

Question by me --- did anyone here ever go through withdrawal? No. Well everyone once in awhile everybody goes through levels of withdrawal. Now let me ask you - have you gone through withdrawal and is it run of the mill withdrawal........

Oh God, I just wrote the Dr. and asked him point blank - I'm taking 6-10 valium for a month .. I want to stop...now...today....can you please help taper me. Last week everybody was up for it. Today, there's confusion that I don't understand.

Pray I don't die.

And I'm going to FAX everypost people write to the Dr. . .

I am so very sorry for writing so much, but I'm desperatea and suicidal. Sorry

Drs. really help you, don't they. They don't recognize that you are on the edge, and yet they will tell you to stay away from the computer if it triggers you, yet how I was backed in a corner today, I felt I was, I wish someone could have killed me.
Murphy,

My addictionologist is the one who said taking sub and a benzo is illegal- whether that is true or not, I don't know. I think he feels so strongly against it, that he says that. But he says benzos (valium, xanax) ought to be banned. They are the absolute worst drug ever created. Mind you, I take .5mgs of Xanax daily and it help me wonderfully but there must be some truth to what he is saying.

I would be willing to bet the combo on the sub and that many valium just have you in a "black hole." Valiums are central nervous system depressants and taking that many would make anyone feel desperate and incohereant and possibly suicidal.

Please try to "push" your doctors into helping you taper down and if they won't find one that will. It is just to dangerous for you just to "stop." Could you possibly enter a short detox? Just worried about you and wonder what the "proper" step is to take.......

Hang in there and my prayers are with you. God bless,
Michelle
Murphy - Your doctor sounds almost confused as to what you taking, yet you have told him...and you mentioned to us that last week he thought the taper was a good idea. Is it possible both of you misunderstood one another? He and his asst. may have gotten scared when they thought you were drinking (but I'm assuming you are not), and were not certain they were dealing with only the Valium and sub problem.

I feel so certain that the Valium (particularly in combination with the Sub) is responsible for much of your inability to think and speak and write clearly---and that it is causing you such overwhelming depression that you are dealing with a sort of "nervous breakdown" now. Valium did that to me, years ago!!! I never took it again.

Can you just try to sit down and make a list of what you take...at what time and at what dosage. (Like a diary day-log) And, in a separate list, what symptoms these drugs are causing (i.e., horrific depression, inability to think, speak, write, suicidal thoughts, etc...put these all down on the list.) Then, send it to the doctor...explain that because the Valium is affecting your thinking and speech--he may have trouble understanding just what you are trying to tell him. But send him that list with just a short note. Don't try long explanations when you are having so much trouble writing and thinking.

The most important thing right now is for your depression to be treated....and him taking you slowly off the drugs (thru detox or taper) is the right start. I can't imagine he means for you to just go from being addicted to Valium...to NO Valium in one day. Ask him if he will give you a WRITTEN plan as to how he is going to treat you. Then, even when your brain feels *****, you can refer to that list.

You are part of the "family "here--and this family is very worried about you. Please keep letting us know what is going on. (And a big hug to your kitties! My dog, Theo, is limping horribly...and has a vet appt. Monday (may be his hip--he's 9 years old and Lhasas tend to have hip problems as they age. Well--at least I know he did not get the limp from chasing your cats!! ) :-)

talk to ya soon, luv, Lynn
TWINLYNN - wanted to write back (I'll write when i can tomorrow) I'm shaking like like a leaf.

Murphy - Your doctor sounds almost confused as to what you taking, yet you have told him...and you mentioned to us that last week he thought the taper was a good idea. Is it possible both of you misunderstood one another?

*****You hit it on the nose.. There has been some misunderstanding somewhere and I think it's from Marcia. Or the dose. She told him I took 2 a day and I could take as much as 5 (10mg) valium a day. I think this worried him more - but the thing is - what difference does it matter what you are taking NOW -- the longer you wait - the MORE you are taking and prolonging taper. I was so anxious to begin. What did he think I was trying to do????

He and his asst. may have gotten scared when they thought you were drinking (but I'm assuming you are not), and were not certain they were dealing with only the Valium and sub problem.

*****NO.....I never drink. Not a problem there. Unless continued with my original plan.

I feel so certain that the Valium (particularly in combination with the Sub) is responsible for much of your inability to think and speak and write clearly---and that it is causing you such overwhelming depression that you are dealing with a sort of "nervous breakdown" now. Valium did that to me, years ago!!! I never took it again.


****As I have heard from so many people today Linn....I can't write well, walk, concentrate, nothing....so why should the Dr. be surprised from the week before when this should be expected when those are taken at once. i just don't get it. Some people slur words taking 1 10 valium, Imagine taking 5 10 valium and combining it with valiium. I can't remember words...it's awful. And it's coming on now, I can feel it.

Can you just try to sit down and make a list of what you take...at what time and at what dosage. (Like a diary day-log) And, in a separate list, what symptoms these drugs are causing (i.e., horrific depression, inability to think, speak, write, suicidal thoughts, etc...put these all down on the list.) Then, send it to the doctor...explain that because the Valium is affecting your thinking and speech--he may have trouble understanding just what you are trying to tell him.

****He's having me do EXACTLY that this week but more so like, how many did you take, what time, why did you feel you had to take it, what could you have thought of istead of taking it, how did it make you feel, how do you feel in the morning (with everthing I put in my body?) vitamins? I'm educated. I know the whole meeting thing. I know about substituting mechanisms. BUT, I left last appointment on Thursday, with 21 valium (after 180 in a month, long story) They'll be gone very very soon. Then what do I do. You're not supposed to just stop? I know that. I
'm sure he knows that. Got, I wish he could read what everyone has to say here. And the thing is, I think HE is SMART, very smart ....Marcia....I like her as I would a friend. I have already told her, herself, that I felt she talked over me alot and it made me feel uncomfortable in our relationship. I had a real good one until I went to the suboxone Dr. to which she was related so I was stuck with her for awhile, and I thought I'd give her a chance.

But send him that list with just a short note. Don't try long explanations when you are having so much trouble writing and thinking.

***I want to think clearly, and when I do write a story. I've already started it about addiction and fear and suicide and just fear of withdrawal can make you choose suicide. And valium, I also never took valium in this quantity, and I'm astonished.

The most important thing right now is for your depression to be treated....and him taking you slowly off the drugs (thru detox or taper) is the right start.


****Then why couldn't he have started yesterday. Tomorrow, I will send you 2 E-mails (short) from him It will show you how one week changed to another and it's hart to understand. I am working on getting into different things.
Lynn, I want to talk to you more, but I honestly can't... I just can't.

I will be working on this all day long and TRY to get to the boards and write.

And I belive you have all saved my life so far.

You are wonderful,, wonderful people and if I go, Id be proud to think that there are such wonderful people in this world after all

Murphy
Murphy - I know I am risking you getting upset w/me again but I have no choice as I have to try and help. I value you too much to sit back and watch you do this to yourself. Since you KNOW you only have that amount of valium left, please... can you just take 2 or 3 a day instead of 5 or 10? And I know you said you hate hospitals but since you cannot seem to control your intake (or can you?) then I'm not sure what else you can do? I would go to your doctor TODAY and tell him exactly what is going on. Maybe get both him and his assistant in a room together and tell them that you have what... about 15 valium left and tell them exactly the number you've been taking everyday. Tell them the truth - can you handle a taper? Can you control the number of valium you take each day and if not, tell them this. Tell them that a taper is not an option for you and there has to be another way to get you off of these safely. Tell them you are suicidal and you want help. Murphy, I know you want to live, you love life too much - I know this because I knew you before this valium issue started and I know that your life means too much and your animals mean too much. You cannot leave them, Murphy. Can you print out these responses and take them straight to the doctor today? Maybe they can put you on phenobarbital or put you in the hospital or something. There has to be an option that will work for you. Please, just print these out and go up there today.

The only reason I'm doing this is because we all care about you and you are going to be out of valium very soon - go see him before you run out and are in a worse situation. Go today or go to the emergency room and bring these posts with you so they can understand exactly what is going on. And please keep in contact with us so we all know you are o.k. We all are worried about you and this situation - why not go and get a plan today? Take care and we do care about you and pray that you will do whatever it takes to save your life!
Murphy -

First of all, please don't worry about writing back a long response to me--I know that is beyond you, the way you are feeling.

Secondly, Banker's suggestions are such good ones. GO to the doctor--with your 20 remaining pills--and tell him, he either helps you detox, taper, etc--immediately--or you will be in danger of not just suicide....[B]but seizures [/B] (from dropping off the Valium so quickly.) Tell him you will go to an emergency room if he does not help. And..do bring a printout of these posts. All our messages will "say it all" as soon as he reads them.

I so wish that our benzo expert, Yinksy, was able to be here--she's helped so many people with her information--and this has been such a critical week for both you and several others.

Murphy--Halfway through writing this post to you now, I have just gone back to your earlier posts. On January 23, you wrote that you were doing fine on 8 mg of Sub and 1 mg of Klonipin. [B]How did you progress to such a high level of Valium?? You were writing clearly, intelligently, insightfully at that time. Looking at your older posts has really shaken me as to how [I]different[/I] your feelings towards life were--and how different your behavior [/B] [B]was at that time. You are so obviously being destroyed by these Valium--it is so evident by reading your earlier e-mails[/B].

You have GOT to get to your doctor today. Show him and his assistant what you have left of the Valium--and if he still refuses to act--by either helping you taper--or starting you on an immediate detox program--you may have to go to an emergency room and tell them exactly what is happening and that you are frightened of both suicide and seizures.

The Valium has caused you to mentally break down--your body is being so "assaulted" by the medication, that you are now in such an awful mental state. And it has now become impossible to differentiate where the physical damage ends...and your mental breakdown begins. But--it is the Valium that seems to have initiated it all. And your lack of pills to taper makes it absolutely necessary for you to get to your doctor and get an answer today--before the weekend begins...and he is not there.

I'm not even going to comment more on what you wrote to me, because it's more important that you read this immediately and act. You were NOT the same person in your earlier posts. It is NOT that you are suddenly just "sick of life." Something has drastically changed you and put you in this state. And it must be the Valium.

PLEASE let us know asap what you are going to do. You now know just how much everyone cares about you--so you know how anxious we will all be, waiting to hear from you.

I'm at my office, but will keep checking back inbetween. We are all with you. And we all send you much love, Lynn





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