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To Michelle
Apr 7, 2004
Hey girl. Listen, first of all - you know I must love you to post RIGHT in the middle of my favorite show of all times... American Idol. (just kidding, you know that show means nothing compared to you and what you are going through)

Secondly, you really aren't just four days clean --- you've been off of sub for a while now and you using a darvocet here and there in my opinion... just doesn't count. I feel like you have been just keeping what you experiencing now under a little more control by taking the darvs... but in my opinion, from the day you stopped the sub, that's how long you have been clean from SUB! (except for today but no big deal, you gotta do what you gotta do). This tells me that if you hadn't have had the darvs... you would have been basically experiencing this the whole time. Do I make sense? Do you agree with me? I mean, you certainly didn't take the darvs long enough to get addicted so therefore, what you are feeling are strictly wds from sub. VERY scary to know that if you hadn't take the darvs... you would have been feeling like this the whole time, except for probably a lot worse during that first week. I'm scared of how this will affect me when/if I come off. It's very scary stuff.

Thirdly, you have to have to do one of two things (again, just my humble opinion but I've listened to everything you've said and can relate totally to all of your reasoning for not wanting rehab, for being scared of someone finding out, etc.

I agree with Lynn and I feel like you've GOT to find a really good addictionologist that is willing to work with you and your specific situation. If that means putting you on SUBOXONE - which is different that that Subutex. Remember, I could bet money that if that stupid doc of yours would have put you on Suboxone, you would have done great on it. AND - even if you craved and took one, the drug in suboxone would have blocked any high you would have gotten so you would have come to terms with the fact that getting high was over ... but with Suboxone, your brain doesn't care. It doesn't want to get high anymore. I just wished/wish you could try it rather than Subutex becuase I believe there really is a difference. You can even check on the Suboxone website and it explains (and others as well) that Subutex is supposed to be used for induction only - just the first 3 days and then the patient should be switched to Suboxone.

Anyway, I was maybe hoping that you could still give it a try. I'm telling you that you could find a doc that you could drive to - even if it's a three hour drive (and keep in mind, my doc only makes me come once every three months now) but he certainly doesn't mind prescribing both drugs to me and you know how well I've been doing. It's just a thought. I so badly want you to feel better and I know that if you tried this route - it would be a shot. Also, you would be under the care of a medical physician during this withdrawal period becuase your doc just doesn't seem like he cares or let me rephrase - it seems as though he's given up on you and thinks that detox is your only option. I just don't know if you've tried every option nor do I think that anyone should give up on you, period.

I hope my post doesn't upset you - I just want you to be happy. I know that it will just take a short time and you will be happy and back to yourself AND pill free. I'm just inpatient and I want you better NOW! It's only because I care.

Take care of yourself and please keep us posted as to how you are feeling....
Love you,


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