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Re: Michelle
Apr 13, 2004
Oh, dear---I have just read this thread for the first time. All of you...Michelle, Lisa, Stacie.... feeling clobbered by life and tired of fighting yourselves...and others. But I'll be honest here....this is the first thread, in the past week, that I can truly identify with personally. :confused:

Reading the wonderfully encouraging posts by Rosie, Root, etc....has made me so happy and excited for them....but kinda sorry for myself. Well, not "sorry"--more hopeless. There seems, over the past couple of weeks, to have been a sea of determined people, all making that tough decision..swimming in rough seas..to get to the opposite shore. And I don't seem to be one of those swimmers!! (Ugh--Please pardon this dreadful analogy!!! Lynn--go back to Writing 101! LOL!)

Consequently, I had considered--just like you, Michelle..and...I suspect, Lisa and Stacie--just fading away here...no permanent good-bys...just stepping aside before I become some symbol of "the Defeatist"--someone, who--even worse than you guys--hasn't even [I]tried!! [/I] Sure I can encourage others--but most of the time, I see this huge poster hanging around my neck..and it says "Actions speak louder than words!!!" :nono:

I have no more Vics..but I DO have a small allotment of my cousin's 40 mg Oxys...which I usually take twice a day, cut in half to last thru the day in terms of feeling withdrawal. (Which I have to battle with at the end of each month's Rx.) You all know the story I mentioned several times of how my cousin, a true chronic pain patient, shares her Vics or oxy pills with me?! That is my only source of drugs.) Well, I was so positive that last month was the last Oxy Rx my cousin would get from her pain management doctor. A few months ago, he'd told her he wanted her to try something different--something called Avinza (which made her very "dopey" with it's morphine--and did not help her. So, in the middle of the month--he switched her back to the oxys....but said he'd like her to get off them soon.) My cousin's body, amazingly, is NOT addicted to them....when her supply runs out a week early...she feels the pain of her chronic pain--but has practicaly no withdrawal symptoms!! Now, how lucky is THAT!! We should ALL have that luck--and her body!! :rolleyes:

Anyhow, she was so certain that this would be the month that ended the prescriptions....which meant, of course, that I would have been detoxing myself, right about...oh...well...hmmm...let me figure this out.... Wow!--about NOW!! (I don't doctor shop, use on-line sources or have any "friends" to help me out! So....when she's out of drug--I'M out of drugs! Thank heavens for [I]that[/I]!!

But, guess what--she just got another one. Right about now y'all are thinking "Hasn't she ever heard "Just say NO!!!????" But that's what my addiction is all about. I havent' WANTED to say no. I have not had as many of the problems that you are suffering--like your having to find and purchase the stuff. And I can't take as many pills because she doesn't [I]give[/I] me that many!) I have not got ANY of my own pills....just her's. And I am just stupid enough to be timing my "detox" to her doctor's detox of HER. Is this not the most ludicrous addiction you've ever read of on this board?!?!? Insane! Totally insane! And dumb. (And as I've said in a recent post....I can't just go up to her apt...take the bottle...and [B]flush[/B] them away!! :D She literally hands them to me...and I have not been able to say no.

Of course, in just a matter of months now (maybe only one)....the "party" will be over. And I know myself well enough to realize that I will NOT go on a crusade to get my own pills....that I will finally have to make the long overdue decision to follow the 11th Commandment--"Though shalt NOT Pop Another Pill"!!! I will do what in my heart I both dread..and want desperately.. to do....stop taking them.

Okay, this is long enough. My main point is this: Michelle--I'm gonna be tough here--if YOU go off the board....y'all gonna take me WITH you!! :D If you, Lisa and Stacie don't ride "shotgun" with me--that means I'm going to be crossing all alone!! You guys would be cutting me off at the Pass, leaving me the soul survior of this battle!!! :nono: And I gotta have reinforcements--friends like you to be there to pick me up when I'm losing...and to cheer me on when I win. The struggles...and the celebrations...I need my pals looking on. (And you all know that when I say "I"--I'm including twin Alice--whose addiction is--of course--identical!) :-)

But for now--what's sooooo important for us--is to be there for one another when we're at that inbetween stage...when we're unsure of what to do...or if are making the wrong decision. Or are convinced we are failures. I know that I sure need patient friends, who can wait while I make the big decision. And we need to all be able to share the depression during those times we head forward...but suddenly fall back again. For every person who sails out of detox and is helped into a new life...there's another person, lurking in the background..who hasn't got that far, yet...or has slipped back.

You guys were the ones who helped me understand that it's all one long journey....and sometimes we'll be going backwards instead of forwards! I think maybe we all found it hard this week, watching our friends make that commitment to win...when we were feeling "fragile" about our own abilities. And the three of you have all tried so hard. This is no time to lose contact with friends who care about you, no matter where you are in this struggle.

I have one question for you, Michelle--what is it you are still on...or off? I'm not sure what you are taking. By the way, the problem of what you should tell your parents is a tough one...but sometimes our parents are actually stronger than we think...and they "rise to the occasion." I think this whole question of who to tell..and how much to tell is one of the worst things about detoxing from these drugs.

And, last thing....those of you taking suboxone have given me some hope, if I ever find it impossible to feel "normal" without pills. Michelle, you should be sure to explain to your addictionologist next week exactly how the sub affected you...and exactly what amounts you took it in. If you can get past the worry that taking sub is not "being clean" (which I don't beieve for a minute! From what I've read the sub is invaluable in saving people's emotional lives. I would certainly consider it.)

And, Lisa and Stacie---you both have very real problems with family, etc. So don't be so hard on yourselves. Have either of you ever taken the Sub? Forgive me for forgetting your histories. I feel bad, Lisa, that your husband gives you a hard time instead of the help you need. And, Stacie, that you are fighting to save your son.

So....please keep posting guys. You're amongst the few people I know a little, who are feeling those fears and doubts that I am. Even if we're all at different stages...I just sense that we have similar worries.

Gotta go. Please forgive any grammatical mistakes...I haven't reread this!!

love to you all, Lynn

PS I expect to see answers back assuring me that I'm not going to be on my own!!! LOLOL! xxx





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